Amsterdam

Just a quick post to let you all know I'm back and share a few images of beautiful Amsterdam in winter. More to come. I'm just exhausted now.

Perfect '10?

The '00's had their ups and downs, but now we're at the dawn of a new decade and I'm looking forward to what 2010 will bring.

When I look back over the last year, I realize I dated a lot but I also had a lot of break-ups. But none of them hit me as hard as the back-to-back deaths of two dear friends in November. After the initial grief, I find I'm in a very happy space, taking life as it comes and focusing on the little things that bring me joy. Yes, I wish I had someone special to share my life with, but instead of focusing on the lack of someone, I have been finding so much to love in all I do have. I live in a fantastic city, I have a good job, I've got a great new friend in NM, and I have a wonderful loving family. Oh, and I'm 3 sizes smaller than I was at this time last year! (Yipee!)

For New Year's, I'm heading to Amsterdam. GED lives there now and invited me to spend a few days. We've been speaking for the past couple months, and he gave me one of the most heartfelt apologies I've ever heard. We've been friends -- and sometimes more -- for 11 years now, and that's not something I can easily or want to throw away. And I hate being alone at New Year's. So, although I'm excited to be going, I'm also not putting any expectations on what this means or what happens next.

Happy New Year to you all! May 2010 bring many more exciting experiences to blog about!

Christmas Memories

Christmas was wonderful, although my visit went much too quickly! I had 2.5 days in Austin with Jenn, Anthony, Anna & Colin (and saw my uncle Tom, as seen in this pic) and then 2.5 days in Houston with my parents, Steph, Al, Paige, Graham and Evelyn.


Here's Jenn reading the Christmas story, with dog Francesca listening in. I took Francesca on a run -- or perhaps I should say she took me -- between the wind at my back and her energy, I ran much faster than I usually do on the treadmill!

Colin is still very snuggly, and one of my favorite moments was watching a movie with him on my lap. He's almost too big to do this, but I really love getting those snuggles! Anna is growing up FAST, and she got a lot of pleasure out of picking out gifts for me, including bright pink lipstick and a beautiful beaded necklace and earrings.

After church, the kids came over to Nana & Grandad's and we did crafts. I showed them how to make funny glasses out of pipe cleaners, although Evie didn't want to wear any. She's happy that the Christmas Chihuahua came out to sing "Feliz Navidad." After Evie went down for a nap, Nana and I went shopping with the twins. Paige was my buddy, staying close by and hugging on me or holding my hand almost constantly. :-)


Graham -- or Grahammie the Hammie -- tries on the blinking nose for the Rudolph model in the front yard.

Graham made me smile when he gave me a goodnight kiss and then ran to his mom blushing and saying, "I can't believe I gave Auntie Emily a kiss!"

And here Evelyn pretends to nap, watching her Grandad, who really was nodding off. As soon as he closed his eyes and started to relax, Evelyn would say, "Grandad!" and wake him up. :-) She also delighted me and Nana when we came to see her after her nap and she ran to us giving us tight hugs and saying, "I missed you!" So sweet.


Again, I come home with a full heart. I feel so fortunate to have so many wonderful people in my family, especially all the little dear ones.

Merry Christmas!

I am so thankful this Christmas for so many blessings -- for family, for friends, for a decent job, for a warm place to live, for a church family, and for readers and commenters to my blog. :-)

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

It snowed! When I heard it was coming, I was so excited. Of course, most NYers groan and don't look forward to 8-12 inches of snow, but it's still has novelty for this Texan-NYer.

My friend NM asked me if I wanted to meet for dinner last night, even though the snow had already started. Of course, I said yes. If you have the right "equipment," including snow boots, gloves, scarf and puffy coat, and the subways are still running (which they were), it's not so bad. We met on the Upper East Side at a great Chinese restaurant and watched as the storm increased outside. At some points, the wind was blowing the snow sideways, and at times it would go one direction and then change to the opposite. You could see sheets of snow coming down.

After dinner, we walked arm in arm to the subway stop. We agreed that it's beautiful at first, when it's still all white, not sludgy gray from the cars or yellow from the dogs' urine (hopefully it's dogs'). NM commented how she loves to set the first footprints in new snow (me too), and I love the squeaky feel of it under my boots. The only part showing is my face, and I bury my chin and mouth in my scarf, so it's not too bad.

Then I got back downtown, and there are fewer buildings here to block the wind. Wow, it was a powerful wind! Only the last block or so was really difficult. But before I hit the wall of snowy wind, I was giggling and taking pictures in City Hall Park. Most came out so snowy, you can't tell what I was aiming at, such as a lamppost or a beautiful evergreen. And I took a self-portrait so you can see just how much of me is bundled up.

This morning, I headed off to church. The crews have already cleared many sidewalks and streets, and there are piles of snow along the curbs. But it's still beautiful to me. I wish I had someone to have a snowball fight with!

Holiday Fun with Friends in Dallas

I can't believe it's been ten days since I blogged last. It's just been one thing after another. What a busy month! I've gone to four parties and already taken a couple trips to Texas. Then there's the incredible amount of work to get through, too. And I've "adopted" four kids for Christmas and volunteered at a local shelter, serving dinner. But those are the things I really enjoy doing this season.

So, last weekend, I went to Dallas. Although I lived there for thirteen years before moving here to NYC, I don't get back there very often, as my family lives in Houston and Austin. But my long-time girlfriends -- Wendy, Lauren and Sherry -- and I have a tradition of getting together for Christmas lunch. I usually try to see as many friends as I can while I'm in Dallas, but I don't announce my trip because I can never see everyone. I generally plan visits for meals and coffee breaks, going from visit to visit. It's busy but fun!

My flight arrived on time midday Saturday, but the shuttle bus to the rental cars took forever. When I walked into the rental car center, I saw the line for the company I had made a reservation with was the longest -- at least 20 people deep! Aarrgh! But I realized I hadn't given a credit card with the reservation, so I hopped over to another rental car company that didn't have a line. They got me in a car quickly, but I was still running behind schedule to meet the girls for lunch. So, I was speeding. And I got pulled over. I hadn't even been in the car 10 minutes! I pretended not to realize I was speeding and handed over my NY drivers license to the cute officer. I apologized and admitted that I don't drive very often. (Of course, I purposefully didn't tell him I used to live in Dallas.) And he sweetly let me off with a warning!

Lunch with the girls was great but too short. (Unfortunately, I forgot to get a picture of us until Lauren had already left.) After that, I met another friend for coffee. Leaving there, I found my face was hurting from smiling so much. (Not a bad hurt!) And there was more to come. I was staying at one of my girlfriends' houses and went with Lauren and her husband to my previous company's holiday party. Only a couple people knew I was going to be there, and it was great to surprise and see many old friends.

(I know my eyes look a little crazy in this picture, but I was laughing and having a good time!)


Before leaving for the airport on Sunday, I got to spend some quality time with Lauren's three kids, who are 6, 2 and 5 months. So sweet! It was a nice, quiet morning in a very loving family home. And the girls posed for pictures for me.

Empty Calories

This time of year is overladen with diet temptations. Although I am much more a fan of savory foods than sweets, I do have a weakness for chocolate... and creme brulee, and pecan pie, and maybe a few others...but I'm honestly terrified of putting the pounds back on. I've already gained a few, and I'm anxious to get them off. Why is it SO much easier to gain than to lose???

Of course, it all comes down to calories in and calories out. I'm gearing up (mentally and in my workouts) for next year's triathlon, so that helps keep me motivated. But don't you hate it when you decide to splurge and eat that dessert because it just looks so unbelievably scrumptious, and when you put it in your mouth, you realize the taste doesn't compare with the beauty? It's such a disappointment. Empty calories without the enjoyment.

Sometimes dating is like that, too. They look great on the outside, but they turn out to be bland as cardboard on the inside. Or freaky. Or just emotionally retarded.

Take last weekend, for example. Technically, not a date, but it still proves the point. I went out for the evening with my girl friend Never Married, and we had a great dinner of tapas and sangria at the bar at Sala. (Absolutely our favorite thing is the datilles, roasted dates with almonds wrapped in bacon...YUM! And who needs desserts when you're eating bacon? But I digress.)

As we were finishing up, the bartender kept making our pitcher of sangria magically extend with additional happy juice to keep us around. We began talking to a couple guys seated near us. One is a physician from Florida, who was visiting his friend for his birthday. Both seemed normal, and fairly interesting. They asked where we were going next, so we told them and they decided to accompany us to the club. Florida Doctor bought us a drink there, and I ended up talking to Birthday Boy while NM chatted up the doctor. Everything was going normally. I can't remember any specifics of the conversation, but we were covering the basics, getting to know each other. And then he went and got all freaky. Asked me if I ever thought about kissing NM. Uh, no! So he asked me if I would. NO! Soon after that, NM and I decided to leave, and Birthday Boy asks for my phone number. I told him no, and when he asked why, I told him his request pretty much decided that. He proceeded to spew forth a verbal vomit of ugliness and vulgarity. Very strange!

Pics from Steph's Annual Christmas Tea

Thinking of NYC

Just got home. It was a wonderful week of visiting, good food, laughter, music and hugs. But I realized in the cab from the airport to Manhattan that I'm looking forward to being home in my apartment. One of my cousins kept asking me questions about NYC, intimating that I don't like it. I explained to her that there are many things I love about this city, but she had a difficult time understanding why I don't want to move back to Texas.

And I started thinking, in the cab ride, about some of the things I love about this city. Much of it is hard to put into words...

It's a city where it's not strange to be 37 and not married, and it's not considered out of the ordinary to still expect you'll have children one day,

Where you could be childless, with or without a relationship, and still have a full, exciting life

Where every nationality, ethnicity and cuisine are represented and celebrated

Where high fashion, your own unique fashion and no fashion happily coexist

It's a city where you have to be tough to survive, and having survived, it gives you a confidence that you can get through tough times

It's dirty and noisy and pushy and rude, but it's also beautiful and dazzling and melodic and powerful

And amazingly, it's the city where my English father met my Texan mother and I was born, and it's now home.

Food, Family and Fun

I'm LOVING hanging out with friends and family!

I arrived on Saturday afternoon, and Jenn was throwing a going away party for her Chilean friend who has been visiting. Many of her coworkers came over, and my niece and nephew got to stay up later than usual with the adults.

I made chile con queso, and I talked Colin into going to the grocery store with me. As we drove past a field with a flock of birds, Colin asked, "Emily, are the birds graduating?"
What?
"Are the birds graduating? Where are they going?"
Do you mean, are they migrating?
"Uh huh."
Hehehe.

The party was really fun and was in full swing when the kids were sent to bed. Anna was having a difficult time falling asleep with the loud music and laughter going on, so I went and laid down with her and talked to her about counting her inhalations and exhalations. Soon, we were both fast asleep!

On Sunday, Anna accompanied me to Waco to see my grandmother and great aunt, who are 88 and 94 respectively. Anna was very patient with them and was a big hit at the retirement community. We also went by my uncle Joe's house and visited with him and his kids.

We drove back to Austin in time for dinner, and three of Jenn's friends joined us for a delicious meal where Jenn creatively used the leftovers from the party. Then my cousin Lindsey from Seattle showed up (she's been visiting the Texas contingent of relatives), and we had another rowdy good time. Jenn and Susan have been taking Bollywood dance lessons and performed two dances for us! The only bad thing was staying up WAY too late, making this morning a very painfully early experience.

My company has offices all over the world, and I am able to work from their downtown Austin location this week. A good friend of mine from Dallas, Sherry, saw on Facebook that I was in Austin and called me this morning to say she was here for a business meeting. We were able to meet for lunch, and it was such a nice break in the day. (Most days, I just eat at my desk.)

Dinner tonight was with my sister, brother-in-law and niece and nephew, and ALSO Lindsey, my uncle Tom and his daughter Taylor. It's just been so great to see all these people I love!

Keeping my Chin Up

I may be down, but I'm not out.

I made a list of the things that make me happy, big things and little things. And I've been doing some of them, and I'm starting to feel a little better.

I'm looking forward to two trips to Texas -- first to Austin this Saturday, where I'll see my sister Jenn and her family, as well as my cousin Lindsey who will be visiting from Seattle and my uncle Tom and another cousin. I'm also going to drive to Waco to see Grandma and my great aunt Sudie. And the next week, I'm flying to Houston to attend my sister Stephanie's annual Christmas Tea. It's a fantastic girlie event, and I can see my nieces and nephew and parents in Houston.

Don't count me out yet.

Loss

Yesterday, I learned that my friend, voice teacher, choir director passed away. As I mentioned before, he was in hospice care after a long battle with leukemia. So even though it was expected, it still hit hard. He was an incredible musician, and I feel fortunate to have gotten to learn from him even for just a couple years.

Green-Eyed Dutchman called this weekend, and we had a good conversation. Maybe there will always be a bond between us.

And GED just called me today to let me know a good friend of his -- someone I met when I first met him back in Dallas all those years ago -- died. He had diabetes and had multiple complications from it, including having his legs amputated. But he was in his early forties. He was such a happy, sweet guy. I always thought I would see him again.

How Can I Tell if I'm Really in Love?

Don't worry, I'm not asking the question of myself. I read a great post and wanted to provide a link to it.

I found Dr. Aletta's blog when I was doing some research for work, and I find her posts interesting. So read what she has to say about how you can tell if you're REALLY in love.

Perserverance

There's a saying that bad things happen in three's, but lately it's been more than that. I keep waiting for it to stop. I feel a bit like a punching bag. I'm taking a beating at work, and CM was just the latest of the ex-es to get in touch.

I know I need to make a change...maybe more than one...but I'm just not sure what to do.

I think I just need to take a break. I can't take a break from work, but Thanksgiving's around the corner. I can take a break from dating. It's not a huge sacrifice, since I'm not really dating anyone. But I just can't deal with the calls, emails, texts and instant messages. The hopes that maybe something is still there,...or could be.

I'm alone. I can do alone. It sucks, but I can do it. And I've said before, and still believe, that being lonely when you're alone is much better than being lonely in a relationship. What I mean is, I don't want to be in a relationship just to have someone. I want it to be right. But lately I feel like I'm just defining what's wrong.

Delusions of Grandeur

Un-effing-believable. I just got a call from Cuban Musician.

He called from a friend's phone so I didn't recognize the number -- because he was afraid I wouldn't pick up if I saw it was him.

He apologized over and over for hurting me, for embarrassing me, for lying to me, for being such an a$$hole....

And then he asked if he could come over and see me in person, so he could "apologize in person." Of course, I said NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT and told him I don't want to see him.

He didn't take "NO" for an answer the first 50 times I said it, but I can be repetitive. As I told him, "NO" is the same in English and Spanish, so there's no room for misinterpretation. I don't want to see him, and I'm certainly never going to let him in my place again. He said he was going to take a taxi over to my building, but he remembered I had moved and asked what my new apartment is. I wouldn't tell him, and I reminded him that I have doormen who wouldn't let him in. In fact, I said, I could call them and let them know I'm not expecting any visitors and if anyone came by asking to see me, they should call the cops. He backed off a little then, asking "why would you call the cops?"

I did get to yell at him and tell him how horrible the whole experience was for me. And when he said he misses me and feels like he ruined the best thing ever in his life, I asked why he didn't call before now. (It's been two months!) He said he was embarrassed at how badly he had acted.

And he clarified, he's not married, he's just been living with her for three years. And when he was spewing this garbage about wanting me back in his life, I asked "Do you still live with her?"

Well, yes, but...

Unbelievable. Does he think that this would work on me? That he could just call and apologize and I would fall back into his arms?

I actually laughed out loud at some of his preposterous explanations. That felt good, at least. But I'm still so angry!

Good Food & Good Company

My mom came to visit this weekend. On Friday, she joined me in my weekly get-together with NM. We had dinner at a Thai restaurant in West Village that I love, and then I took my mom to my local pub for a drink and karaoke. It was a bit crazier than usual -- one EXTREMELY drunk guy started talking to us and we kept giving him the brush-off and later found out he was the OWNER. The guy was so wasted, we heard him fall down the stairs on his way down to the bathrooms. (he was okay) Another guy came over to chat us up and flirted shamelessly with my mom. She was polite but told him his advances weren't wanted and that he was too young for her. He didn't seem to get it. I told him to get lost as well, but we eventually just moved to another area of the bar. When I went to settle our tab before we left, the regular bartender gave me a discount, saying it was because we had dealt with so much bullsh*t!

On Saturday we had a lovely brunch and then ran some errands, going by the farmers' market at Union Square for some fresh edibles and hot apple cider. We decided to treat ourselves to dinner at a lovely French restaurant that uses local organic seasonal foods. It was an incredible meal, and of course, incredible company! The food was unbelievably delicious, but our favorite dish was the squash risotto served with mushrooms and a roasted jack-b-little pumpkin that was edible.

After filling our bellies, we decided to walk home. It was a nice brisk evening and about a 30 minute walk. Back at my apt, we watched a movie and used my paraffin wax on our hands. A nice girly evening!

Today was church and then lunch at one of my favorite hole-in-the-wall restaurants and a walk by the Hudson River. It was a nice weekend, made better by the loving visit.

An Amazing Musical Night

I know, I've been bad about posting. (Thanks, Lindsey, for the encouraging comment!) And in years past I've done NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month), where you commit to posting every day in November. No way that's happening this month.

Part of my lack of posting is due to being way too busy. And part of it is because I've had to become very careful about what I say because of who has found and is reading the blog. I've gotten several text messages referring negatively to my blog from a couple guys who were previously in the picture. I've been debating about moving my blog to another platform which will allow me to password-protect certain posts, like fellow blogger Catherinette does. But that takes time, which I am currently short of.

But I HAVE to share what I did last night. A coworker sent around an invite to a talk at NYU featuring Clive Davis, the legendary recording producer who has launched the careers of Janis Joplin, Aerosmith, Bruce Springsteen, Billy Joel, Chicago, Santana, Whitney Houston, Alicia Keys, and many many others. It was amazing to hear him speak about his career and hear his passion for what he does.

The after party was at the B.B. King Blues Club in Times Square and was a fundraiser for Bob Woodruff's Foundation to support wounded veterans. (Bob Woodruff is the journalist who was wounded by a roadside bomb in Iraq.) He spoke briefly, as did Wilmer Valderrama, who is adorable but seems very down-to-earth. And they introduced The Fray, who sang several songs. My friend and I were standing 10 feet from the stage, and it was incredible. They are so talented and passionate about the music. The lead singer, Isaac Slade, looked directly at me twice while he was singing. And when he came out on stage, he brought his Apple laptop and announced to the crowd that the Yankees had won the World Series. He set the laptop facing the audience on the piano so we could all see the live feed of the Yankees hugging and celebrating. The crowd cheered and watched the celebrations while The Fray sang their first song. The whole thing was fantastic. And although I didn't get to bed until 2 a.m., I feel like these are the kind of opportunities that I have to take advantage of in NYC.

Update: Adding a few pictures taken from my iPhone. The first is Wilmer Valderrama and Bob Woodruff. The others are The Fray.

What's New? Not Much, Pussycat

Sorry for the blog silence. I haven't had happy things to say, and you know how the saying goes: "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

The same day I wrote my last post about the end of my relationship with Aloha Guy, I learned that my friend, voice teacher, and organist/choir director at my church has gone into Hospice care, going home to North Carolina to be with his family in his final days. He's been fighting leukemia for many years, but it only just got very aggressive and eventually, deadly. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, and his absence is acutely felt at church. I still feel like I have so much still to learn from him, and he will be greatly missed.

So, in other news...I got a new vacuum. (Exciting, no?) Sometimes I clean when I'm upset. A therapist once told me it's a denial mechanism, as you focus on something you can control and make orderly, instead of something in life that you can't. The new vacuum works well and picks up the cat hair better than the old one.

Tonight, I got had the fortune of having dinner with a friend and past colleague from Dallas that I haven't seen since I moved away over two years ago. It was great catching up with her, and I value the easy camaraderie we have so much. I think I took it for granted before, and now I realize how rare and special that is.

What Goes Up...

My eyes are hazel, but they look mostly brown. But when I cry, they turn green.

I had all the best intentions of not falling for Aloha Guy, but sometime over the past weekend in Orlando, my emotions got the better of me. Unfortunately, I'm standing out here alone.

My reasons to him back in May and June for not getting more involved -- that he's recently divorced and lives thousands of miles away -- are now being echoed back to me. Of course, he's right. I was right when I said them then.

It still sucks.

What's worse? Being alone, or seeing what you could have and then being told you can't have it?

The past few months have been a rollercoaster in the dating life of this singleton, and I'm exiting the ride feeling completely wrung out.

Celebrate Today

You know the saying, "when the cat's away, the mice will play" -- well, I've been away from my cat, playing with the mice! Mickey Mouse and crew in Orlando. I was in Orlando for a long weekend, and it was everything I had hoped and then some.

I arrived late on Thursday night, leaving behind freakishly cold and rainy weather in NYC for balmy Orlando. Although I naturally arrived completely overdressed, I quickly shed my overcoat, blazer and scarf. Aloha Guy picked me up at the airport and off we went to the fabulous Marriott resort hotel. It was amazing, made more so by his thoughtfulness. He brought my favorite wine from California (Benziger Cabernet from Sonoma) and ordered chocolate covered strawberries.

Friday was work for AG, spa treatments for me. We had breakfast together and the waitress remarked that he looked like he was there for work but I was obviously on vacation, dressed in a brightly colored sarong over my bathing suit. After a massage, facial, manicure and pedicure, I felt like a new woman. I sauntered over to the restaurant/bar overlooking the main pool and ordered a Bloody Mary AND GOT CARDED. I laughed, and the waitress replied in all seriousness, "I have to card anyone who looks like they're under 30."

I lounged by the pool, under an umbrella to protect my fair skin, and read my book -- a new one by Jodi Piccoult, my favorite author. (Fabulous) I knew AG would join me when he finished his work, but he decided to startle me and scared the bejeezus out of me. We swam and tried the pool's slide and stood under the waterfall. When we decided a beer sounded good, I offered to walk inside to grab them. I put on my flip flops, a towel and grabbed my credit card. And I came back empty-handed. Yep, carded again. AG laughed heartily.

Saturday morning, I slept in while AG finished his conference. We went to Epcot that afternoon, and their tagline was "Celebrate Today." There was a Wine & Food festival going on, and we had a blast eating and drinking our way through the different countries' specialties at the park. The tastings were small, and we split most things, so we weren't overly stuffed or drunk. Plus, we were there for seven hours. We rode two rides, but I got a little queasy from one. Oh, and I got carded two more times! I think I like Orlando. :-)

On Sunday, we hit the outlet mall before heading to the airport, and I'm thrilled to say I bought some new pants IN A SIZE 8! I haven't worn an 8 since 2002 when I did Atkins, and I never thought I'd be here again. But my 10's have been falling off me, so I really needed new pants.

I had so much fun. AG and I laughed until I was crying, and he was consistently considerate and thoughtful. If only he didn't live on the opposite side of the country,...

Pictures from Orlando

The Highs and Lows

I had dinner tonight with two friends, former colleagues, who are so complimentary. It always makes me smile.

I hadn't seen one of them since January, so I knew what the reaction would be. (The weight loss) He couldn't stop commenting about it. "You really look great!" :-)

And then I heard from a good friend of mine tonight from church -- a fellow single who has become a dear friend. He's facing some very challenging and scary health threats, and likely some surgery with serious risks in the near future.

I am one of those people who doesn't have a lot of friends, but the friends I do have are very dear to my heart.

Travel on the Horizon

My friend NM and I are beginning to establish a regular habit of getting together on Friday nights. We meet at happy hour after work, and swap stories over dinner and drinks. Last night, we had two weeks to catch up on, and we ended up effortlessly spending five hours together.

In the week I missed, her mother had a heart attack. She's doing well after quick hospital intervention and the placement of a stent, but NM was understandably shaken. She had been looking forward to a vacation to Paris with a girlfriend, who dropped out at the last minute, but now the timing seems fortuitous. The girl agreed to cover the change fee to move NM's flight reservation until the spring, but obviously, NM doesn't have any confidence that the girl will accompany her in the spring either and personally doesn't want to leave her mom at this time. When she mentioned her disappointment with her friend bailing, I jumped at the chance -- I've never been to Paris, thinking I'd wait until I had a romantic partner to go with, and have been envious of NM's descriptions of the city (she's been many times before). She was delighted, and we toasted to our upcoming trip!

For my part, I had to catch her up on Aloha Guy's visit. Despite the circumstances, I find myself missing him more than I should. The facts remain: he lives on the opposite side of the country, he's recently divorced, he won't move because of his children, and the only way this relationship could possibly work is if I moved (and I'm finally starting to feel settled here). And despite the fact that when he was here, I realized that although this is my real life and isn't his -- he's on vacation, away from his normal routine and responsibilities -- I must admit that no one has ever treated me as well as he does. And as much as I protest that I'm independent and don't NEED anyone, it's really nice to be treated so respectfully. I must admit I like it!

I'm trying to hold on to my rational, logical mind over my romantic tendencies.

I have plans to meet him next week in Orlando. Aloha Guy has a business trip and invited me to join him at the fantastic resort he's staying at. My job is to visit the spa and check out the pools, and accompany him in his off-time to Epcot. I'm looking forward to it for many reasons, including getting out of the city for a long weekend. And after this, I don't know when I'll see him again. Well, it will at least give me time to adjust to being independent again.

Cruel

So the last post was an attempt at foreshadowing. Is anyone curious what happened with Cuban Musician? (This happened several weeks ago, but I needed time before I could talk/write about it.)

CM travels often for various gigs, getting jobs in London, Miami, Connecticut. One week he was in the Dominican Republic. He sent me text messages throughout the week, letting me know he'd be back on Saturday. He has a standing gig in NYC on Saturday at a place in the East Village, so I texted him that I would see him there.

When I arrived, the place was not as crowded as usual. CM was playing when I walked in, and instead of the usual big smile, he had a strange look on his face when he saw me. I tried not to worry too much about it and made my way to the bar, saying hi to people I knew from my many previous times there.

As I talked to one old guy, a regular who is also a great dancer, he mentioned that he couldn't remember my name but knew I was the one with CM.

A girl who was sitting next to him at the bar turned around and introduced herself. She asked me what he meant by the comment "with CM." I explained we were dating, and she asked me "What do you mean, dating?" Thinking this was strange, I said, "You know, dating. We've had dinners together..."

She asked me again to clarify, and then explained, "I'm asking what do you mean by dating because I'm his WIFE."

You could have knocked me over with a feather. TOTAL SHOCK.

(Just in case you were wondering, yes, I asked him when I first met him, "Are you married? Have you ever been married?" to which he answered No to both. And after dating him for 2 months, he started telling me he loved me. I wasn't ready to feel that, let alone say that back, but it was obvious from what he said and how he treated me that he was getting serious. Or so I thought.)

I immediately stammered out an apology to this woman, explaining I had NO IDEA he was married and never would have gotten involved with him if I had. She asked me a barrage of questions, like how long had we been dating, before the band took a break and she motioned him to come over.

Just as she finished asking him, "Have you been dating this girl?" I walked out and caught a cab home.

Stunned, in complete shock, I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. I kept running the conversation with her and all the times I had spent with CM through my mind. He had never hidden me, rather introducing me to all his friends and being openly affectionate in public.

I kept thinking, How could you? How could you be so cruel? Why even say you loved me? And knowing I was coming to the show, why didn't you text me and say you were sick, or not playing that night?

No answers. And I haven't heard from him. Not that I want to. I'm no longer devastated. Just angry. I'm disgusted at his behavior to her, and to me. I'm furious he put me in this situation and told me bald-faced LIES. And I'm mad at myself for believing him.

Lies

When I was little, I would get my mouth washed out with soap for lying. I can't remember what I lied about, but I probably was like most children who with wide-eyes and stumbling speech tell obvious outrageous untruths. My parents were consistent in their discipline, and I learned the lesson.

As adults, the lies we tell can have even greater consequences and impact those around us. I am very empathetic, and while I realize not everyone thinks that way, it bothers me when people aren't at least considerate and aware that their actions affect other people.

And then there are those who lie so deliberately, with the calculated intent to deceive, that it is nothing short of cruel.

Loser

I don't really like reality TV, except for The Biggest Loser. I like watching the transformations, I like the tips from the trainers, and I like the fact that they encourage everyone watching to make changes in their own lives to be healthier. I find it inspiring, and unlike other shows I watch, I cannot watch it with my butt parked on the couch. I find I have to get up and do something.

I record shows so I can zoom through the commercials, so yesterday I watched last week's Biggest Loser. I did some squats, lunges, arm weights, the sitting-against-the-wall thing, crunches, leg lifts with ankle weights, and the bridge pose...for two hours minus commercials. I'm feeling it today, but it's a good kind of sore, the kind that lets you know you did something positive to keep in shape.

I saw an old colleague last week that I hadn't seen in a little over a year, and there's 30 lbs less of me now. She was enthusiastic in her surprise. My new friend NM asked to see a before pic, and I pulled up this one. It's disgusting to me, but it's good to remember to see how far I've come.

Before, playing Dance Dance Revolution:













And After, taken last week by Aloha Guy. (And my hair's darker now, too!)

It's Quiet

I often tell people with confidence that I don't mind being alone. I enjoy many things about being alone, and I wholeheartedly believe that it's easier being alone than feeling lonely in a bad relationship. But after a week of having someone around to talk to and hold hands, go out to dinner with and get regular hugs, I admit...I really miss being in a relationship.

I like to think of myself as independent and strong, and I am, but... it's been nearly three years since I've been in a steady relationship. I'm getting a little tired of so much alone time.

Snug Harbor

Aloha Guy left today. We had a great time, and I was sad to see him go.



We both took off a couple days from work to do some sightseeing. Aloha Guy said he wanted to do something in or around NYC that I had never done before. He brought his camera, a nice Nikon, and took some great pictures of me. (I don't usually like many pictures of me, but he captured some really nice ones.)



I had done some research before hand and found out about a beautiful park on Staten Island called Snug Harbor. It was originally created as a retirement haven for sailors in 1801. There are many galleries and gardens, and I specifically wanted to see the Chinese Scholar's Garden, modeled after traditional gardens in China.


The gardens must be fantastic in the summer, when everything is in bloom. But the nice thing about going on a crisp fall day during the work week is that we had the place to ourselves! We enjoyed exploring the gardens, the ponds and visiting the koi fish. When I sat by the koi pond, the fish swam toward me, obviously hoping for food. I couldn't resist teasing them with my finger to see what they would do. The biggest fish lifted his head out of the water and tried to bite my finger! Aloha Guy caught the moment perfectly.

Sex? Maybe After a Drink or Two...

Interesting...

A new UK survey reveals that one in 20 women never have had sex while they were sober due to insecurities about their bodies.

Some other stats (which range from obvious to eye-opening):

• 75 percent of the women said it's easier to go wild after a couple of drinks.
• 40 percent of the women said they were always tipsy when they slept with someone for the first time.
• Almost 50 percent said they enjoy sex better after a few drinks.
• 14 percent of women in relationships said they cannot sleep with their partner unless they've had a couple drinks.

Do you think alcohol and sex go hand in hand?

A Busy but Fun Week Ahead

I went out with NM again last Friday. I really like that girl. She is so funny and very intelligent. And it's nice to have a new friendship that we are both interested in strengthening. (She's admitted the same frustration I've had with many people in NYC being too busy to keep in touch.)

And on Sunday, Aloha Guy arrived. He's here for a week, for work and for some sightseeing, and I'm really looking forward to spending more time with him. I'm expecting to see him every night except one, and it's nice to have someone to share dinner and the evening with. Tonight, although I'm not much of a football fan anymore (blame it on Texas' intense preoccupation with the sport), I agreed to watch the Dallas Cowboy game with him. He's a huge fan.

Last night, I cooked a homemade dinner for him (salmon with wild rice and squash), and as usual, he didn't show up empty handed. He brought me a bottle of wine from Benziger, a vineyard in Sonoma that I have a difficult time finding here. It was delicious!

Quick International Trip

I got asked by my colleagues in Toronto to come and speak to them about what I've been doing here in the U.S. I flew to Toronto on Tuesday afternoon, and I was surprised by how quick the flight was. The flight schedule says 90 minutes, but in reality, you're only in the air about 50 minutes. The only other time I flew to Toronto was when I lived in Dallas, and I guess I just have this idea that going to another country should take longer. There's so much about Canada that is so similar to America, but then there are just little things that make you realize you're in a "foreign" country. Like the billboard I saw that said "Now: Nonstop flights to Cuba." You wouldn't see that in the U.S.

I had dinner with my colleagues on Tuesday night, and they asked me so many questions, I was the last to finish my entree. I had work to do that night back at the hotel, and I was up until midnight putting the finishing touches on my presentation. Up early the next morning, I spoke for two hours (8:30-10:30). I hung around talking to them all for just a little longer before heading back to the airport around 11. I realized when I got back to the airport that from the time I landed to the time I took off, I was only there 20 hours. Quick trip! But I enjoyed it.




The pictures are of a beautiful old church near my company's Toronto office, with the CN Tower in the background; a filming we passed on the street of NYC cabs for a movie (Toronto poses as NYC for film crews), and a pub for Canadian beer Molson I found in the airport.

Compliments

It's so nice to get compliments, isn't it? As long as they are sincere, it's always nice to hear when you're doing something well or have touched someone in a positive way.

This week, I heard some great compliments:

From a coworker I don't see often, remarking on my weight loss, "Wow, you look amazing! You're disappearing!"

From a cashier at Starbucks, "Do you do your own makeup? It looks fabulous." (And yes, I do my own makeup. I thought that was hilarious...who else would do it? Obviously, I know you can hire people, but this was just an average workday.)

And the comment to my previous post from a new commenter Brad, "I really like your blog... You have taken what would normally be boring about someones life and wrote it beautifully."

THANK YOU!

It's my baby's birthday!

Yes, my cat Sabrina is sweet sixteen today. I can't believe we've been together so long. I remember seeing her the night she was born. Her mother was the cat of a boyfriend of mine in college, and we knew she was expecting a litter. We went out to a movie or something, and when we got back to his place, there were three little kittens mewing by their mama, under his bed.


Two of the kittens were striped like gray tabbies, and the third was all black. I knew I was going to take one of the striped girls, but I didn't know which one until one day my boyfriend's mom came to visit.





I was holding the kitten who would become Sabrina in my lap, and his mom came in the room and picked the kitten off my lap and took it with her to her seat on the other end of the couch. I was surprised -- it was kinda rude -- but didn't say anything. As soon as she sat down and put the kitten on her lap, Sabrina got up and walked back to MY lap. Yep, that was it. She was mine.

My Long Weekend

I'm comfortably settled in my new apartment, just a dozen or so flights below my previous one. My view has shifted to a northern view, and it is MUCH quieter. But I've also been knocked down by an increasingly potent respiratory virus. It just started as a sore throat, but I didn't get much rest this weekend. In fact, I pushed myself to get everything in place and unpacked. At this point, I only have one box left, and it contains framed pictures for the wall. But I finally can't go anymore. I thought I'd be okay once I got moving, but I only lasted at work for a couple hours. I've been sleeping for most of the day, drinking lots of liquids and cleansing my throat and nose with salt water. Now I'm just ready to feel better...

Aging Gracefully?

A woman I know who is a little more than 10 years older than me and who I have admired for how well she takes care of herself recently got some minor cosmetic procedures -- from the looks of it, she got Botox and lip injections. I think it actually looks a bit weird, and I actually think she looked better before. What do you think? Would you get something done?

And then this week I found several gray hairs on my head. My highlights have grown out, and I'm due for a touch-up. I was planning on going a little darker for fall, but now I'm rethinking it since gray shows up more against dark hair. Damn, but they were a disappointing surprise. I mean, I know they're inevitable, but I didn't realize I had them! I guess the lighting in the new bathrooms at work is more illuminating (or my bathroom lighting at home is more forgiving). Until now, I've just colored my hair for the fun of it. Plus, I hate the dullness of my "dish-water blonde" color.

So, I'm all for coloring hair, but I don't think I would do anything else. But perhaps it's one of those things we don't consider until we look in the mirror and wonder what happened to our youth...

P.S. Please lay off my frequent commenter "jman." I appreciate his comments and don't want him to stop reading and sharing his opinions. I like the current blogger/reader relationship and not sure I want to change that by meeting him in person. And, of course, he may not want to meet me either, or may not be available.

Packing, Singing and Dancing

I spent the weekend doing some packing for my move next weekend, and there are boxes throughout my apartment. But I did get to enjoy some fun activities, too. On Friday, I stopped by a local pub in my neighborhood to check out their weekly karaoke scene. The rain had lessened their usual crowd, and the organizers remembered me from a previous time and invited me to sing as many songs as I wanted. I took them up on it! I sang my favorites and tried some new songs, including Sweet Dreams - Patsy Cline, Something to Talk About - Bonnie Raitt, At Last - Etta James, and Bubbly - Colbie Caillat.

On Saturday, I met up with my new friend Never Married. We had dinner and then went to a party for a friend of hers. Her friend was only turning 28, and the party was full of twenty-somethings. We two thirty-something gals felt a little out of place, but we cracked each other up with our comments about the music being too loud (which it actually was, but we even sounded old to our own ears!). I really enjoy NM's company. We have a lot in common and she cracks me up. Since the party wasn't really our "scene," we hopped over to another place where Cuban Musician was playing. NM and I finished the night dancing salsa with some guys and enjoying sangria.

Apt Update

After much searching (and all the crap that entailed), I determined a few things:
1) I have big, Texas-sized furniture
2) There are few neighborhoods that have big enough apartments in my price range to fit all my stuff
3) The West Village smells like urine, whether canine or human, I'm not sure
4) I'm beginning to not like change as much as I used to

And after the initial discussion with the management company of my building was fruitless, my second attempt was more successful. (It's all who you talk to...) So, I'm moving down a few floors to a very-slightly smaller apartment in my current building. I lose my view, but also the echoing construction noise from Ground Zero. I get to keep the convenience of a washer/dryer in my apartment, garbage disposal in my sink (very rare here), the doormen I know and love, the excellent building manager who is a sweetie, the gym I'm used to, and all the knowledge I've obtained about my existing neighborhood for a cheaper rent. Overall, I'm happy.

I've already lined up boxes, movers, cable and electric, and I've already started to pack. I'm moving next Saturday, the 5th, so my Labor Day holiday will be spent getting all settled in.

Oh, and if this change weren't enough, my office is moving this Friday, too! While I don't like having to shuttle between the two offices now at Times Square and Union Square, and while I detest Times Square and all the hawking advertisers and the hoards of people, I will miss Union Square's great shopping and farmers market. The new office is slightly closer to my home, so no concerns there. Just more change.

Pulling at the Heartstrings

One of my coworkers is out on maternity leave. She came by the office today with her perfect, gorgeous little daughter Phoebe.

As we all crowded around and "oohed" and "ahhed" over this precious little one, no one reached out to hold her. I went and washed my hands just in case I could get the opportunity. The mom offered, and everyone shrinked back, saying they were too nervous to hold such a newbie (she's one month). The mom looked at me, and of course, I told her I'd love to hold her.

Newborns are so easy to hold, they mold up against you and snuggle in. Phoebe was such a sweetie and slept the whole time I held her. When I changed her position, she would reach her arms above her head and arch her back in a stretch but kept her eyes closed the whole time. She made sweet little grunts and coos and smelled so sweet. Her skin was soft as only newborns' skin can be.

As much as I try and convince myself I've got it great with 5 nieces and nephews, I would so love to have a little newborn of my own. It was wonderful to get to spend a few minutes with such a sweet baby girl. And such a welcome break in my busy day.

All Gussied Up

Definition: Dressed up, as in Emily loves to get all gussied up and go to a fine event. The origin of this expression is not clear, though possibly it relates to the earlier use of the noun gussie (derived from a proper name) for an effeminate man. [Slang; mid-1900s]

And so I was on Saturday night. This isn't the best picture of me, but I wanted to show the back of the dress, which I believe has the most interesting feature. (And if I look tired, it's because this was taken at the end of the evening, when I got home.)



I was delighted to be invited and attend my cousin Rob's senior banquet at West Point on Saturday evening. It was Ring weekend, and he received his senior ring at a special ceremony on Friday. I met up with him and his new girlfriend Brittany on Saturday in the city, and we headed up by train later that afternoon. It was great to catch up with his parents and grandparents, whom I hadn't seen for some time. The only downside was that the grand banquet hall isn't air conditioned, and we had the worst hot, swampy, humid weather imaginable. We all sweated through our nice dinner, passing up the piping hot coffee that was offered with dessert.

Unfortunately, my camera battery pooped out on me, so I only got a couple shots. I'm hoping others will share their photos with me.

One thing of note: the dress I wore was one I originally purchased in 1995. I've kept it all these years because I just loved it, but it hasn't fit for a long while. I was thrilled it does now!

Fun, but Not Funny

Thanks for all your kind comments. My back is feeling better. (knock on wood!) It's been a bit touch and go for the last few days, but it definitely feels better than last week.

This weekend, I was feeling okay and wanted to get together with my new friend. I met her a few weeks ago when I went out alone, hoping to meet up with Cuban Musician later. She's a beautiful African American girl around my age who's lived in NY her whole life and has never been married. So, Never Married was really sweet and we got along easily. She was out with a married girl friend, who remarked how impressed she was I was out by myself!

We all hung out for awhile, and before parting ways, we exchanged emails. So when I saw an interesting comedy act in the daily NY paper AM NY, I asked if she'd like to go. She suggested instead we go to a free comedy show she knew about in the West Village.

It started out a bit slow, but there was one act that really got us laughing. And then their headliner came out, a young woman who talked about her single parenting and living in NY. It was an absolute train wreck. It was really uncomfortable. She was loud and not funny and it just went ON and ON and ON. She just complained about different things in her life, but instead of being funny, it seemed like we were in on her personal therapy session. I asked the waitress for our check THREE TIMES, and we finally just got up and walked to the door to wait for the check. We weren't the only ones.

We left there and grabbed a late dinner, and then I got to hear more about NM's dating life. She's gone back and forth with two exes, and told me she really wants to meet new people. I agreed to help her try!

A Painful Distraction

Dating, and life in general, has been sidelined lately due to excruciating back pain.

I have slight scoliosis, curvature of the spine, which isn't severe enough for corrective surgery but does provide frequent pain. I have gotten significant relief from chiropractic adjustments, which has given me weeks without any back pain, and regular massage. But occasionally, it gets really severe, and the pain is so all-consuming I have difficulty thinking of anything else.

I've been dealing with this situation for the past couple weeks. It finally got so bad I saw my doctor and got muscle relaxers. I'm taking them -- because they take the edge off the painful spasms -- but I hate the way they make me feel, like I'm underwater and sluggish. But at the moment, if I don't take them, the spasming brings me to tears and prevents me from sleeping.

Acupuncture last night helped, too. And today I feel almost human again. Hopefully I am nearing the end of this and I can get back to my life!

A New Quilt

My dear friend Lauren in Dallas had her third child this summer, and after two little girls we were all excited for her to have a son! Before I left Texas, one of my favorite fabric stores went out of business, and I bought several fabrics to take advantage of the great deals. I ended up using those fabrics for each of the girls' quilts I made earlier this year, and I asked Lauren if she would be open to a cowboy themed quilt for little Luke.

I'm very pleased with how this one turned out. It's one of my favorites to date.

Quote from a man who gets it

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect -- you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break -- her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there." -Bob Marley

Maybe Not, After All

Sometimes you can't write about something that's painful when it happens. It takes a bit of distance to get perspective and to let the raw emotions fade a bit.

I didn't write about my plans with the Green-Eyed Dutchman (GED) before now because I was still working it all out in my head. Basically, we discussed that if we were going to give this relationship a try, we would need to live in the same country. And since he has two daughters from a previous marriage in the Netherlands, it was obvious that it would be me that would need to move.

I looked into the options. While he lives in Barcelona now, my Spanish is minimal at best, and the economic recession has hit Spain hard. There was no way I could find a job as an English-only speaker. However, I could find work speaking only English in the Netherlands. GED had been thinking of moving back anyway, so we looked at Amsterdam.

It was an exciting and frightening idea. On the one hand, I'd be leaving my country and culture, far away from most of my family (closer to those relatives in the UK). But I rationalized that moving to NYC from Dallas had been a huge culture shock, too, and perhaps this experience had prepared me for this next adventure.

Long-distance relationships suck, even in the best circumstances. So while GED and I talked and emailed frequently after his visit, the contact began to wane sharply mid-June. Meanwhile, my doubts grew. We finally spoke (after three weeks of no replies to my emails and continued missed calls by both sides), and I wasn't reassured. I told him the risk doesn't seem worth it to me now, and although he says he still loves me, I need more than that...like emotional security and stability. And he's just not able to give me that. Not now, at least.

I told him to go his way and I'll go mine. It was hard to give up on the dream, it felt like I was so close to getting what I wanted, but then it all fell apart like a paper house in the wind. Of course, better to know this now than if I had packed up and moved.

Dinner with FWB

When an ex calls, it's great to be in a good place, such as thinner/more fit, dating other people, etc. So when ol' Friend-with-Benefits (FWB) called and asked if we could catch up over a casual dinner, I agreed.

The one good thing about not seeing friends for months, as seems to be the norm here in NYC, is that their eyes pop open when they see me. Because there's 25 lbs less of me to see! :-)

FWB was very complimentary throughout the evening. He's not dating anyone, but that was what he wanted when we decided to stop dating. We agreed we're better off as friends, and he offered to help me move boxes later this month so I can keep the movers costs down to just the furniture.

Now if I can just find a new apartment...

Apartment Hunting

Looked for apartments all weekend. Ugh. It's exhausting.

Although I have a very nice apartment now -- complete with good square footage, washer & dryer in apartment, doormen, and a great view -- the management company wants to raise the rent (again) and the construction noise from Ground Zero is still annoying from 7 a.m. until 11 p.m. (They do not have to abide by the noise ordinance for NYC because technically the property is owned by Port Authority.) Plus, many places in Manhattan are making great deals. Including, actually, my current building -- I learned they are giving a couple months free rent and lower rent overall to new tenants. It just doesn't apply to existing tenants, so the existing lot (me included) are leaving in droves.

I'm currently on the border of the Financial District and Tribeca, and I decided I wanted to try and get into a different neighborhood. I looked at places in Chelsea, Tribeca proper, Midtown West, Upper West Side and the West Village. I love the West Village and would love to live there, but the places I can afford aren't big enough for my Texas-sized furniture.

I got a lot of shit from brokers when I mentioned my king size bed. I originally bought the bed frame and accompanying furniture when I was in my last long-term relationship. Unfortunately, we broke up shortly after we purchased it (on my credit), and I got the furniture while he kept the mattress. I ended up buying a terrific mattress -- the same one Westin uses for their Heavenly Bed -- and absolutely love it. Since I had just paid it off before moving to NYC, I didn't want to get rid of it. And now, I'm even more attached to it.

Then there's the cat. I've had Sabrina her whole life, which next month will be 16 years. She's my loving companion, and I'm treasuring what I realize are her golden years. (If I'm lucky, she'll live to 20.) So the bed and the cat are not negotiable.

I started on Friday night after work, seeing a couple of places. Then all day Saturday, from 11 a.m. until 7 p.m. I didn't even eat lunch. After church on Sunday, I saw a couple more. And Monday at lunch, two more. One of which I'm hoping will be my next pad.

I've put in my application and paperwork, including 2 recent pay stubs, 2 bank statements, 2 last tax returns, and a letter from my employer confirming employment and salary. Keeping my fingers crossed it all goes through... (and if it does, I'll tell you more about it!)