Friday, August 07, 2009

Maybe Not, After All

Sometimes you can't write about something that's painful when it happens. It takes a bit of distance to get perspective and to let the raw emotions fade a bit.

I didn't write about my plans with the Green-Eyed Dutchman (GED) before now because I was still working it all out in my head. Basically, we discussed that if we were going to give this relationship a try, we would need to live in the same country. And since he has two daughters from a previous marriage in the Netherlands, it was obvious that it would be me that would need to move.

I looked into the options. While he lives in Barcelona now, my Spanish is minimal at best, and the economic recession has hit Spain hard. There was no way I could find a job as an English-only speaker. However, I could find work speaking only English in the Netherlands. GED had been thinking of moving back anyway, so we looked at Amsterdam.

It was an exciting and frightening idea. On the one hand, I'd be leaving my country and culture, far away from most of my family (closer to those relatives in the UK). But I rationalized that moving to NYC from Dallas had been a huge culture shock, too, and perhaps this experience had prepared me for this next adventure.

Long-distance relationships suck, even in the best circumstances. So while GED and I talked and emailed frequently after his visit, the contact began to wane sharply mid-June. Meanwhile, my doubts grew. We finally spoke (after three weeks of no replies to my emails and continued missed calls by both sides), and I wasn't reassured. I told him the risk doesn't seem worth it to me now, and although he says he still loves me, I need more than that...like emotional security and stability. And he's just not able to give me that. Not now, at least.

I told him to go his way and I'll go mine. It was hard to give up on the dream, it felt like I was so close to getting what I wanted, but then it all fell apart like a paper house in the wind. Of course, better to know this now than if I had packed up and moved.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh,Em. what a dilemma! It's a good thing that you are a sensible Lass.
I loved Amsterdam, the way of life there seemed so 'laid back' to me..
Anyway enough of my dreaming! go with your Heart ...that way if you make a mistake you can say you did what you thought was right..(if you go with your Head..you made a bad choice) that's what 'they' say anyway :( ..:)

Aunty Norma.xx

lindsey said...

Here's a virtual hug. Wanna move to Seattle instead???

jman said...

To paraphrase every girl's mother "It's just as easy to fall in love with someone local as someone who lives 4000 miles away". I think your heart caught up with your head and you realized that while there are no guarantees in life, there are some bets which one shouldn't make. Chalk this one up to a fantasy that ultimately is better of remaining just that; reality bites sometimes (I feel a film coming on).

And in the silver lining department, good for you for having the strength and maturity to look out for Emily in a way that you probably wouldn't have done in the years past. Europe's loss is NYC's gain.

Anonymous said...

jman--Do you know Emily? I have this romantic fantasy that perhaps you love her from afar (or near?) and you're just waiting for the perfect time for your lives to coincide. Tell me it's so.....or tell me I'm full of crap. ha

jman said...

Dear Anon,

Although Emily and I share a city, I do not know her beyond this blog and as far as I know she does not know me beyond my comments on this blog (and no I don't have a blog of my own).

Ca suffit pour vous madame anonyme?

jman said...

Regarding your apt search thought this article might be of interest in case you had not seen it

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/09/realestate/09cov.html

EdamameMommy said...

hmmm, well I get to give you a hug in real life in just a couple of hours. I'll give an extra one to cover Linds too. I second the vote for Seattle. It is awesome!

Emily said...

Aunty Norma - Thanks. It's always a combination of head and heart in these big decisions.

Lindsey - Thanks for the hug! Seattle is great, but NYC is growing on me. But I don't know where I'll end up next. We'll see...

jman - Thanks for your kind words, and I hope you continue to comment. I did ask my current place if they would make a deal, but they refused. They are only making deals for new tenants, and most (if not all) of the existing tenants are therefore vacating.

EdamameMommy - It was great seeing you today!

Anonymous said...

I prayed for you this morning,Emily. You are such a lovely, caring person and I am constantly amazed that you have not been snapped up! perhaps you should try England? Northern Men are MEN! which I think you deserve..a real man! nitty gritty and all that. xx :)