Still Reeling

Thanks for all the supportive comments.

This has really hit me hard. I wish I had seen some warning sign, but there was nothing. Logically, I knew it was all fast, but it was all so good, so easy. He said all the right things -- complimenting me on my appearance almost every day, telling me how proud he was of my professional accomplishments, admiring my singing voice and bragging about me, and he was so sweet and generous with me.

We made plans for the future -- some more detailed than others -- and we talked about a future marriage and children. We discussed everything (or so I thought) and we both admitted that this relationship seemed different than prior ones, that we were honest and mature, able to talk through things. He even told me how our relationship was better than his last one (the one he's gone back to).

I know I must be in denial, but I still can't believe it's all over. My heart aches. I wanted that life we had begun to build, that relationship and the kids. The realization of my dream. I don't know how he can throw it away so easily. I can't seem to.

I do wish I'd never met him. I was doing fine before: I was independent, strong, sure of myself. Now, I feel like I've been knocked sideways. I can't stop thinking about him and missing him and the girls.

I think there were legitimate reasons his last relationship didn't work, and I don't think it will work again. I think it's just a matter of time, and he may come crawling back. I hope I can be strong and protect myself, but right now, I just want it all back.

Oh No

Well, here's your chance to say, "I told you so."

FB came back from his trip -- his annual pilgrimage to Memphis for Elvis week -- where he saw his ex-girlfriend and realized he still has feelings for her. And -- surprise of all surprises -- she wants him back.

He's decided he has to "see this thing through."

Yes, I am a fool for getting sucked in so quickly, for believing his declarations of love and getting attached to his sweet girls. I feel like an idiot, but mostly I'm just devastated and hurt. I really thought we had something good going.

GED, the Meltdown

(photo credit: my new friend in Paris, and fellow singleton blogger, Man-shopper)

When NM and I were planning our European vacation, Green-Eyed Dutchman (GED) had made another appearance and was, for the time, behaving quite attentively. Within a few weeks of our plane reservations, however, the unexplained-frustrating-depressing silence commenced. At first, of course, I didn't know the silence would only be broken by a 5-minute phone call two months later, and so initially, I was optimistic. That rapidly drained away with each passing week, but I did realize that I might be going to Amsterdam under very different circumstances than I had originally intended. And of course, that came to pass, and I was determined to enjoy the city regardless.

But it wasn't always easy. In fact, I found myself thinking of GED and both missing him and angry at him for how he completely dropped the ball.

In Paris, Irish Parisienne asked me if I would call him once I got to Amsterdam. I said no. Then she said she'd completely understand if I did, wanting to get an answer for his disappearance and closure for the relationship. I appreciated her support, and her words almost acted as permission for me to make the call. Because of course I was curious as to why someone would act so incredibly inconsiderate, especially given our original friendship and years of knowing each other.

So I did call and left him a voicemail letting him know I was in Amsterdam. I heard back from him the night before Queen's Day via email, saying he wasn't in the city but would call me the next morning. I finally got a text message from him late that afternoon saying he had gotten into the city. His next text message was 3 hours later, saying he had only just received my reply and obviously the networks were inundated with data. I let him know the hotel I was staying at by text, voicemail and email, and reminded him when I was leaving. And, as has become aggravatingly typical, I got no response.

A couple days after I returned to NYC, I got an email. Here are the highlights (and my thoughts):
"I feel like an idiot..." Good, you should.
"I was just too indolent to put more efforts in finding you..." Apparently.
"I am sorry Em" Too little, too late.
"You deserve so much more than the way I have treated you." I agree.

At least at this point, I'm not taken by surprise or devastated. I'm actually completely fine with closing this chapter and moving on. And that's a really great place to be, especially with this particular man.

Cruel

So the last post was an attempt at foreshadowing. Is anyone curious what happened with Cuban Musician? (This happened several weeks ago, but I needed time before I could talk/write about it.)

CM travels often for various gigs, getting jobs in London, Miami, Connecticut. One week he was in the Dominican Republic. He sent me text messages throughout the week, letting me know he'd be back on Saturday. He has a standing gig in NYC on Saturday at a place in the East Village, so I texted him that I would see him there.

When I arrived, the place was not as crowded as usual. CM was playing when I walked in, and instead of the usual big smile, he had a strange look on his face when he saw me. I tried not to worry too much about it and made my way to the bar, saying hi to people I knew from my many previous times there.

As I talked to one old guy, a regular who is also a great dancer, he mentioned that he couldn't remember my name but knew I was the one with CM.

A girl who was sitting next to him at the bar turned around and introduced herself. She asked me what he meant by the comment "with CM." I explained we were dating, and she asked me "What do you mean, dating?" Thinking this was strange, I said, "You know, dating. We've had dinners together..."

She asked me again to clarify, and then explained, "I'm asking what do you mean by dating because I'm his WIFE."

You could have knocked me over with a feather. TOTAL SHOCK.

(Just in case you were wondering, yes, I asked him when I first met him, "Are you married? Have you ever been married?" to which he answered No to both. And after dating him for 2 months, he started telling me he loved me. I wasn't ready to feel that, let alone say that back, but it was obvious from what he said and how he treated me that he was getting serious. Or so I thought.)

I immediately stammered out an apology to this woman, explaining I had NO IDEA he was married and never would have gotten involved with him if I had. She asked me a barrage of questions, like how long had we been dating, before the band took a break and she motioned him to come over.

Just as she finished asking him, "Have you been dating this girl?" I walked out and caught a cab home.

Stunned, in complete shock, I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. I kept running the conversation with her and all the times I had spent with CM through my mind. He had never hidden me, rather introducing me to all his friends and being openly affectionate in public.

I kept thinking, How could you? How could you be so cruel? Why even say you loved me? And knowing I was coming to the show, why didn't you text me and say you were sick, or not playing that night?

No answers. And I haven't heard from him. Not that I want to. I'm no longer devastated. Just angry. I'm disgusted at his behavior to her, and to me. I'm furious he put me in this situation and told me bald-faced LIES. And I'm mad at myself for believing him.

Maybe Not, After All

Sometimes you can't write about something that's painful when it happens. It takes a bit of distance to get perspective and to let the raw emotions fade a bit.

I didn't write about my plans with the Green-Eyed Dutchman (GED) before now because I was still working it all out in my head. Basically, we discussed that if we were going to give this relationship a try, we would need to live in the same country. And since he has two daughters from a previous marriage in the Netherlands, it was obvious that it would be me that would need to move.

I looked into the options. While he lives in Barcelona now, my Spanish is minimal at best, and the economic recession has hit Spain hard. There was no way I could find a job as an English-only speaker. However, I could find work speaking only English in the Netherlands. GED had been thinking of moving back anyway, so we looked at Amsterdam.

It was an exciting and frightening idea. On the one hand, I'd be leaving my country and culture, far away from most of my family (closer to those relatives in the UK). But I rationalized that moving to NYC from Dallas had been a huge culture shock, too, and perhaps this experience had prepared me for this next adventure.

Long-distance relationships suck, even in the best circumstances. So while GED and I talked and emailed frequently after his visit, the contact began to wane sharply mid-June. Meanwhile, my doubts grew. We finally spoke (after three weeks of no replies to my emails and continued missed calls by both sides), and I wasn't reassured. I told him the risk doesn't seem worth it to me now, and although he says he still loves me, I need more than that...like emotional security and stability. And he's just not able to give me that. Not now, at least.

I told him to go his way and I'll go mine. It was hard to give up on the dream, it felt like I was so close to getting what I wanted, but then it all fell apart like a paper house in the wind. Of course, better to know this now than if I had packed up and moved.

When One Door Closes...

I decided to end it with FWB. I realized during this week of emotional ups and downs that several of my needs weren't being met in this relationship. Although we had scheduled time to meet a couple times, he cancelled, so I finally just called him on the phone.

First we talked about the incident with my big mouth. In retrospect, it wasn't a huge thing that I said. I took responsibility for it but also told him I shouldn't be treated like a pariah for one small mistake. Then I told him I've been thinking about our relationship and that it's not working for me. It's always been about him: how he's feeling, if he's available, he needs to take things slow. What about my needs? I told him he never compliments me and that I feel like I'm just "convenient" for him. I told him I want to be adored, I want someone who wants to spend time with me. After initially being defensive and saying if I had enough self-confidence I wouldn't need compliments, he agreed that he's been selfish, but he needs to just focus on him now. He also admitted he can't do what I need, so we agreed to just be friends. I told him I need to look out for me, just like he's looking out for himself.

It was a pretty good conversation. Neither one of us raised our voices, and I think we both got a chance to share our point of view. I'm a little sad that I won't be seeing him as much, but I also feel good that I stood up for my self and admitted I deserve more.