Thinking of NYC

Just got home. It was a wonderful week of visiting, good food, laughter, music and hugs. But I realized in the cab from the airport to Manhattan that I'm looking forward to being home in my apartment. One of my cousins kept asking me questions about NYC, intimating that I don't like it. I explained to her that there are many things I love about this city, but she had a difficult time understanding why I don't want to move back to Texas.

And I started thinking, in the cab ride, about some of the things I love about this city. Much of it is hard to put into words...

It's a city where it's not strange to be 37 and not married, and it's not considered out of the ordinary to still expect you'll have children one day,

Where you could be childless, with or without a relationship, and still have a full, exciting life

Where every nationality, ethnicity and cuisine are represented and celebrated

Where high fashion, your own unique fashion and no fashion happily coexist

It's a city where you have to be tough to survive, and having survived, it gives you a confidence that you can get through tough times

It's dirty and noisy and pushy and rude, but it's also beautiful and dazzling and melodic and powerful

And amazingly, it's the city where my English father met my Texan mother and I was born, and it's now home.

Food, Family and Fun

I'm LOVING hanging out with friends and family!

I arrived on Saturday afternoon, and Jenn was throwing a going away party for her Chilean friend who has been visiting. Many of her coworkers came over, and my niece and nephew got to stay up later than usual with the adults.

I made chile con queso, and I talked Colin into going to the grocery store with me. As we drove past a field with a flock of birds, Colin asked, "Emily, are the birds graduating?"
What?
"Are the birds graduating? Where are they going?"
Do you mean, are they migrating?
"Uh huh."
Hehehe.

The party was really fun and was in full swing when the kids were sent to bed. Anna was having a difficult time falling asleep with the loud music and laughter going on, so I went and laid down with her and talked to her about counting her inhalations and exhalations. Soon, we were both fast asleep!

On Sunday, Anna accompanied me to Waco to see my grandmother and great aunt, who are 88 and 94 respectively. Anna was very patient with them and was a big hit at the retirement community. We also went by my uncle Joe's house and visited with him and his kids.

We drove back to Austin in time for dinner, and three of Jenn's friends joined us for a delicious meal where Jenn creatively used the leftovers from the party. Then my cousin Lindsey from Seattle showed up (she's been visiting the Texas contingent of relatives), and we had another rowdy good time. Jenn and Susan have been taking Bollywood dance lessons and performed two dances for us! The only bad thing was staying up WAY too late, making this morning a very painfully early experience.

My company has offices all over the world, and I am able to work from their downtown Austin location this week. A good friend of mine from Dallas, Sherry, saw on Facebook that I was in Austin and called me this morning to say she was here for a business meeting. We were able to meet for lunch, and it was such a nice break in the day. (Most days, I just eat at my desk.)

Dinner tonight was with my sister, brother-in-law and niece and nephew, and ALSO Lindsey, my uncle Tom and his daughter Taylor. It's just been so great to see all these people I love!

Keeping my Chin Up

I may be down, but I'm not out.

I made a list of the things that make me happy, big things and little things. And I've been doing some of them, and I'm starting to feel a little better.

I'm looking forward to two trips to Texas -- first to Austin this Saturday, where I'll see my sister Jenn and her family, as well as my cousin Lindsey who will be visiting from Seattle and my uncle Tom and another cousin. I'm also going to drive to Waco to see Grandma and my great aunt Sudie. And the next week, I'm flying to Houston to attend my sister Stephanie's annual Christmas Tea. It's a fantastic girlie event, and I can see my nieces and nephew and parents in Houston.

Don't count me out yet.

Loss

Yesterday, I learned that my friend, voice teacher, choir director passed away. As I mentioned before, he was in hospice care after a long battle with leukemia. So even though it was expected, it still hit hard. He was an incredible musician, and I feel fortunate to have gotten to learn from him even for just a couple years.

Green-Eyed Dutchman called this weekend, and we had a good conversation. Maybe there will always be a bond between us.

And GED just called me today to let me know a good friend of his -- someone I met when I first met him back in Dallas all those years ago -- died. He had diabetes and had multiple complications from it, including having his legs amputated. But he was in his early forties. He was such a happy, sweet guy. I always thought I would see him again.

How Can I Tell if I'm Really in Love?

Don't worry, I'm not asking the question of myself. I read a great post and wanted to provide a link to it.

I found Dr. Aletta's blog when I was doing some research for work, and I find her posts interesting. So read what she has to say about how you can tell if you're REALLY in love.

Perserverance

There's a saying that bad things happen in three's, but lately it's been more than that. I keep waiting for it to stop. I feel a bit like a punching bag. I'm taking a beating at work, and CM was just the latest of the ex-es to get in touch.

I know I need to make a change...maybe more than one...but I'm just not sure what to do.

I think I just need to take a break. I can't take a break from work, but Thanksgiving's around the corner. I can take a break from dating. It's not a huge sacrifice, since I'm not really dating anyone. But I just can't deal with the calls, emails, texts and instant messages. The hopes that maybe something is still there,...or could be.

I'm alone. I can do alone. It sucks, but I can do it. And I've said before, and still believe, that being lonely when you're alone is much better than being lonely in a relationship. What I mean is, I don't want to be in a relationship just to have someone. I want it to be right. But lately I feel like I'm just defining what's wrong.

Delusions of Grandeur

Un-effing-believable. I just got a call from Cuban Musician.

He called from a friend's phone so I didn't recognize the number -- because he was afraid I wouldn't pick up if I saw it was him.

He apologized over and over for hurting me, for embarrassing me, for lying to me, for being such an a$$hole....

And then he asked if he could come over and see me in person, so he could "apologize in person." Of course, I said NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT and told him I don't want to see him.

He didn't take "NO" for an answer the first 50 times I said it, but I can be repetitive. As I told him, "NO" is the same in English and Spanish, so there's no room for misinterpretation. I don't want to see him, and I'm certainly never going to let him in my place again. He said he was going to take a taxi over to my building, but he remembered I had moved and asked what my new apartment is. I wouldn't tell him, and I reminded him that I have doormen who wouldn't let him in. In fact, I said, I could call them and let them know I'm not expecting any visitors and if anyone came by asking to see me, they should call the cops. He backed off a little then, asking "why would you call the cops?"

I did get to yell at him and tell him how horrible the whole experience was for me. And when he said he misses me and feels like he ruined the best thing ever in his life, I asked why he didn't call before now. (It's been two months!) He said he was embarrassed at how badly he had acted.

And he clarified, he's not married, he's just been living with her for three years. And when he was spewing this garbage about wanting me back in his life, I asked "Do you still live with her?"

Well, yes, but...

Unbelievable. Does he think that this would work on me? That he could just call and apologize and I would fall back into his arms?

I actually laughed out loud at some of his preposterous explanations. That felt good, at least. But I'm still so angry!