Running Away or Running Towards?

I haven't posted much lately, because I've been keeping quiet about something happening in my life...but I've been working on this post for over a year...

I heard Martha Beck speak at the O You Conference in San Francisco a couple years ago, and I was so impressed. I've always enjoyed her columns in the Oprah Magazine, but in person she was so much more! She's incredibly adept at making complex thinking seem attainable, and she's witty and downright funny.

One of her past columns was titled "Know When to Fold 'Em," in which she mentioned W.C. Fields's profound statement "If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it." The column discusses how researchers have compared those who resist quitting, and of those who throw in the towel when facing unattainable goals. They found that the second group—the quitters—were healthier than their persistent peers on almost every variable.

This gives me some comfort, because I've been struggling with the idea of "quitting."

Quitting New York.

Undoubtedly, there are things I love about New York: the variety in cultures, the lack of conformity to a single (or few) ideas, the four seasons, the multitude of cultural events (especially Broadway), feeling like I'm a part of this big machine called NYC, being close to the water (even if it is the not-so-transparent Hudson River), my little close-knit church and fledgling (although now on hiatus) choir...

But...it has been a pretty lonely existence for me here. Over the last three years, I've done all the tried-and-true methods to meet friends and potential dates. I've made a few friends, but NY has a culture of everyone being so busy, you don't see them but maybe once every few months. And I miss my family, especially the kids, my nieces and nephews.

As I recently celebrated another birthday, getting closer to having to change the title of this blog and hearing the biological clock ticking louder in its finale, I realize that if I don't have kids of my own, I at least want to be closer to those I do have in my life.

I started making inquiries with my company about the possibility of transferring, and I got full approval to move ahead with the transfer to the Austin office as soon as I'm ready. The only thing sticking point is subleasing my apartment, and that has happened MUCH faster than I expected.

I'm keeping my job AND getting to live closer to my family, able to be a more consistent presence in my nieces' and nephews' lives. And it also opens up other possibilities for me, such as owning a home, eating a lot more TexMex, participating (and completing) more triathlons, and possibly having a child on my own.

I moved to NYC for my career, and I've realized my career isn't the most important thing to me. I'm moving back to have a personal life.

I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

Pulling at the Heartstrings

One of my coworkers is out on maternity leave. She came by the office today with her perfect, gorgeous little daughter Phoebe.

As we all crowded around and "oohed" and "ahhed" over this precious little one, no one reached out to hold her. I went and washed my hands just in case I could get the opportunity. The mom offered, and everyone shrinked back, saying they were too nervous to hold such a newbie (she's one month). The mom looked at me, and of course, I told her I'd love to hold her.

Newborns are so easy to hold, they mold up against you and snuggle in. Phoebe was such a sweetie and slept the whole time I held her. When I changed her position, she would reach her arms above her head and arch her back in a stretch but kept her eyes closed the whole time. She made sweet little grunts and coos and smelled so sweet. Her skin was soft as only newborns' skin can be.

As much as I try and convince myself I've got it great with 5 nieces and nephews, I would so love to have a little newborn of my own. It was wonderful to get to spend a few minutes with such a sweet baby girl. And such a welcome break in my busy day.

Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock

Did you hear about this?
Two new techniques to preserve and transplant ovaries might give women a better chance to fight their biological clocks and have children when they are older, doctors announced Monday. In the past, scientists have performed ovarian transplants in women with cancer, since chemotherapy often causes infertility. Doctors typically take out patients' ovaries before the toxic treatment begins and then reimplant them later.

Now, recent advances to preserve ovaries and surgically implant them could make the procedure more widely available, helping women avoid fertility problems as they age. Many women are now delaying having a family until their 30s or 40s, when fertility problems become more common. Women in their 20s or 30s could theoretically have an ovary removed and frozen, and then have it reimplanted years later when they are ready to have children.

Full article

Interesting concept. Of course, even if this had been an option for me when I was in my 20s (or early 30s), I don't know if I would have taken advantage of it. I'm so romantic and hopeful, I always thought I would find the "right" guy and have kids in plenty of time. Honestly, my goal was to have kids before I turned 30. When I was 29 and knew that wasn't going to happen, I reset the goal to 35. Now I've missed that goal post, too! :-)

Sometimes when I mention the ol' biological clock, people say, "But you still look young!" Thanks for the compliment, but how I look on the outside doesn't mean anything for the eggs. I found these statistics, from Dr. Kevin Lederer, president of Fertility Centers of Illinois:

Until age 34, women have a 20 percent chance of conceiving in a given month and 20 percent of those pregnancies will end in a miscarriage.

After 35, a woman’s likelihood of conceiving in a given month drops to 10 percent and her miscarriage risk goes up to 30 percent.

After 40, she has a 5 percent chance of getting pregnant and a 40 percent chance of having a miscarriage. After 42, “99 percent of fertility is over,” Lederer said.

I know some women purposely delay having children, whether to focus on their career or be more financially secure or other reasons. But for me, it's just been a happenstance occurrence. I definitely feel like the window of opportunity is closing, but I don't want to rush into something just to have children of my own. I'm trying to be okay with the idea that it may not happen for me. (I'm mostly okay with it.) I feel very blessed to have other children in my life, especially my beautiful and wonderful nieces and nephews. Still, there is a sense of "there's no time to waste" when I think of potential suitors.