Dating?

People keep asking me if I'm dating. My response is, "I'm open to it!" I just haven't had any opportunities, but sure, I would like to go out. Not dating makes for a very boring blog, I know. My life right now is full of work, family time, work, travel for work, studying & homework, and training for the triathlon. I honestly don't know when I'd fit in a date anyway. For the past two Friday nights, I've scheduled sessions with my trainer. At least the gym is pretty empty on Friday nights! I was talking to a friend who is having some complicated relationship issues, and I sighed with relief that I don't have to deal with that. I've had my share of drama with boys, and I'm thankful not to have that in my life. And then recently a smug-in-a-happy-relationship friend asked me if I'm lonely. I answered honestly -- yes, sometimes, but I'm also enjoying my life as it is -- but she persisted, "But doesn't it get SO LONELY?" It got to me, making me focus on the lack instead of the abundance I have. I know part of me is fiercely independent. I don't want to be dependent on anyone for anything, but the truth is, we all need other people in our lives. Is it possible to have a relationship without dependence? I guess until I reconcile this in my head, it's best that I just focus on me.

Selfishness Has Its Limits

Last night, in the too-many-moments before I fell asleep, I realized another reason of why I'm ready for a relationship. I'm tired of just considering myself. While I realize there are benefits to being able to be selfish, it does get old. Sure, I get to choose what restaurant to eat at/order from, where I'll go on vacation or how to spend my money all by myself, but sometimes, it would be nice to have another person's opinion and perspective. Maybe I'm not sure WHAT I want to eat, and without inspiration I tend to fall back on the same restaurants or meals that I usually cook.

While a relationship requires compromise and inevitably brings conflict, I find myself a little bored with just me. Just one of those thoughts before dreamland.

Flirting is an Art Form

I've been neglecting the blog. Work is crazy as ever (certifiably insane kind of crazy), and I'm in triathlon training mode, going to the gym or the pool every day. And I just haven't felt like blogging much. But I do have a story to share...Jury Duty guy.

We finally found an evening that worked for both of us, and he let me pick the place. I found a nice bar/lounge in Soho not too far from my office. The date was for drinks, but we stayed for several hours and shared some appetizers to keep some sort of check on the blood-alcohol levels. He asked me a lot of questions about myself -- almost to the point where he wasn't doing much talking about himself -- but did sprinkle in several compliments about my appearance and warned me "I'm going to flirt with you." Great, bring it on. I like my share of flirting.

Only, apparently, he doesn't really understand how to flirt, the innuendo and suggestive dialogue. His definition of flirting is decidedly more crass and obvious.

After laying his cards on the table and telling me that he wanted to be completely honest with me that he's not interested in a relationship, he started to "flirt." He asked me things like what position is my favorite, my bra size, and other things which I can't even write. I deflected the questions. It was obvious he's just looking for a good time gal, and while I can be fun to be around, I'm not looking for his type of rendezvous.

He said, "Oh, you're a relationship girl," in such an accusing tone I defended myself and disagreed with him. I'm not afraid to be alone, and steadfastly believe it's better to be on my own than in the wrong relationship (see divorce #1 and #2). I'm not one who is anxiously looking to be married just to be married. But I would like to meet someone and see where it goes, naturally letting it develop into something more, or not, as opposed to having the boundaries of what this could or couldn't be defined on the first date.

So he asked me if I wanted to come over and watch a movie at his place the next night. No thanks. I want more than just a friend-with-benefits, and I deserve to be treated with more respect.

It's Quiet

I often tell people with confidence that I don't mind being alone. I enjoy many things about being alone, and I wholeheartedly believe that it's easier being alone than feeling lonely in a bad relationship. But after a week of having someone around to talk to and hold hands, go out to dinner with and get regular hugs, I admit...I really miss being in a relationship.

I like to think of myself as independent and strong, and I am, but... it's been nearly three years since I've been in a steady relationship. I'm getting a little tired of so much alone time.

Too Good To Be True?

So after the chocolates that were delivered to my hotel in D.C. last week, I got an email from Aloha Guy that he'd like to take me out for my birthday. He's going to Boston for work next week and coming to NYC first to see me. I'm surprised and pleased and looking forward to having something to do on my b-day.

And today, I received a FedEx package from him with two compilation CDs of Hawaiian music. He offered to make them when we went to dinner last week, and I said I'd like that. (Remember in the 80's when we used to make mixed tapes?) Still, I was surprised that he actually did it and sent them so quickly.

This guy seems so nice! Am I so jaded by my experiences here that this seems so unusual? I read recently on another single gal's blog that her West coast friend remarked she couldn't believe what we NYC girls put up with. She also had this interesting chart on her blog from National Geographic:



As you can see, NYC and the surrounding area has the most single women, while the LA area has the most single men. (Texas is looking pretty good in this chart, too.)


Hmm...

V-Day is Over!

Long time no post...partially due to the fact that I was trying to ignore Valentine's Day. I was hoping that with it being on a Saturday this year, I could just hibernate through it without calling attention to my singleness, but on Friday, flowers kept arriving here at the office for various girls around me. At the end of the day, I got an IM from a fellow singleton here remarking about the plethora of flowers for seemingly everyone but us.

On Saturday, I planned a quiet day and evening, but although I knew my cousin Rob was coming in from West Point and meeting me for lunch, I wasn't expecting to spend the whole day and evening with him. He was bemoaning the fact that he doesn't have a girlfriend and is at a school with few women, and I was trying to encourage him while being in the same, if not worse, situation myself.

I did finally get some time to myself yesterday for self-pampering. I went shopping with my favorite companion -- my debit card -- and stimulated the local economy while getting some really cute outfits for my upcoming cruise. I was thrilled to buy several smaller-sized items, and just enjoyed the saleswoman's comment that "everything looks great on you" even though I know she's trying to make a sale. Nothing like some retail therapy to perk a girl up!

Defining Success

The great thing about Facebook (and other similar social networks) is that old friends can find each other again. (The bad thing about Facebook is that people from your past that you never really liked request to be your friend.)

Last week, I got a friend request from a girl who was one of my good friends in 7th through 9th grade. Talk about blast from the past! The ironic thing is, I've been thinking about her lately, as there is a girl at my new office that reminds me of her.

I enjoyed catching up with her and hearing what she's doing now. I was envious of her family photos representing her husband and three kids. Upon investigation, she told me two of the kids are her husband's from a previous marriage, and her daughter is also from a previous marriage. She's got a great job in Austin as a recruiter and joked that she might call on me someday to recruit me.

She gushed over my "success" -- my job, my position with a company in NYC -- but I told her to me, she seems like the more successful one with not only a good job but a beautiful family and husband.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just biding my time until my "real" life begins.

Motherly Meddling

I had drinks with some girlfriends from my previous job on Monday. It was so great to catch up with them and just laugh about silly stuff. One of them mentioned that her mom recently gave her an article about the top 10 online dating services, and another commented that her mom is always trying to set her up with anyone from "a waiter to a skater" (said as we were close by the skaters practicing at Union Square). They definitely both feel some pressure by their mothers to find someone and "settle down." (I don't get this pressure from my mother...perhaps because I've already been married...twice?)

Then last night, I went to a casual get-together at my apartment building. I'd been invited by a paper that was slipped under my door. Only 6 of us showed up, but everyone was very nice and interesting. One older couple were both very accomplished and great conversationalists. When a single young guy came and joined us, the woman said, "We've got a single 31-year-old daughter!" We all laughed as he politely agreed to meet her at some point in the undetermined future.

Do you think it's just because these moms want their daughters to be happy, and they are defining happy as in a relationship? Or is our society still defining personal success as someone who is married? There are such mixed messages for young women. Are we complete on our own or do we need someone to complete us?

One is the Loneliest Number

I just finished watching Sex and the City for the second time. Since I bought the series a month ago, I've been enjoying watching the episodes all over again, laughing out loud at the witty lines, identifying with the characters and the dating successes and catastrophes that are so true to life, and crying at the touching moments.

I go to restaurants by myself...often. This is still surprising to some people, as I learned when I mentioned it to a friend last week and learned again as I entered a sushi restaurant on Friday night.

"Hi, just one. Can I sit at the sushi bar?"

"There's just one of you?" the hostess asked to confirm.

"Yep. Just the one of me."

Usually at a sushi bar, it's not as obvious to be alone as it can be at other restaurants. You have something to look at (the sushi chefs) besides the other patrons, and there's no glaringly empty chair across from you from which the place setting is removed as soon as your single ass sits down.

I've remarked before that I'd rather be lonely by myself than lonely in a relationship. I've been both, and at least lonely by yourself seems logical and there's a hope that the situation will change. In one of the goodbye tributes on Sex and the City, one of the producers mentions how it's possible in New York to be surrounded by millions of people and feel completely alone. I know that feeling all too well, too.

And when I watch the four friends of the fictional show get together over brunch and share their lives, it makes me miss my three friends back in Dallas -- Wendy, Lauren, and Sherry. Although none of us are as racy as the Sex and the City characters -- nor do we have such graphic discussions -- we are all unique in our own ways and yet share a closeness and history of being there for each other. I miss them terribly.

I still love living in the City. I enjoyed a beautiful day, taking a long bike ride along the Hudson River and finishing with a kayak excursion in the River. The sun was reflecting off the water like glittering diamonds, the waves were comforting and soothing, and the smell of the salt water was delightful. But I wish I had someone to share it with.

So It's That Easy?

I just read an article stating that the secret to meeting someone is having a positive attitude and believing it will happen. (They also give "more practical" tips, all of which I have tried.)

I vacillate between such positivity and utter cynicism. Fortunately, I have friends who can be positive for me when I can seem to muster it myself.

I have a dear friend back in Dallas who is absolutely certain that I will meet Mr. Right in NYC and that my destiny is the real reason I moved here. I love her optimism, even if sometimes I think it's a bit silly. But it's touching that she believes in this dream of mine even more than I do at times.

Mr. Right vs Mr. Right Now

I've realized I'm getting tired of being alone. In the past, this has been a dangerous place for me to be, causing me to "settle" for less-than-great relationships. But at least now, I can recognize it for what it is (and not jump into a relationship that is less than what I deserve).

After a relationship, I really treasure being alone. I like not sharing the bed, not being woken by someone else's snoring or rolling over. I like not being snuggled to the point of smothering when it's hot summer time. I also like that my place stays more tidy. Things stay where I put them. And no one eats the best leftovers until I get to them.

But, eventually, I get to this point, where I really miss having someone to talk to, to share things with, and yes, even to cuddle. (It's been 18 months since I broke up with and moved out from my last boyfriend.)

I'm seeing a couple guys right now, but I don't think either one has the potential for more than casual dating. But at least they fill the void a little bit. What I'm wondering is, does keeping Mr. Right Now(s) around prevent Mr. Right from coming into my life?

[No word from the matchmaker service on my next date, however they did warn me that it may take awhile. I completely understood, agreeing that I'd rather they wait for a really good match for me than set me up with halfwits to give me a date.]

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me a Match

I've had this song from Fiddler on the Roof stuck in my head since I interviewed and signed on with a matchmaking service late last week.

"Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a match!
Find me a find, catch me a catch!"

Years ago, I tried Great Expectations in Dallas, the service that was parodied on Saturday Night Live as "Lowered Expectations." I agree with the parody. It was expensive and not at all a successful venture for me.

What I like about the one I've just contracted with is:
1) they do background checks: confirming divorces, ensuring there are no criminal records and a credit check
2) there was an extensive personality profile and two hour-long interviews where they asked in-depth questions to get to know me and what I'm looking for
3) they've been around for 30 years and have many success stories

They are currently doing my background check, which may take 1-4 weeks, and then they will send me some matches! Exciting!

What Would You Do to Meet the Right One?

Finding, or meeting, "quality singles" is difficult when you're a thirty-something singleton.

In your early twenties, when you're still in college, it's a bit easier, I think. Everyone around you is in basically the same stage of life. But as you experience things, and add layers onto your trappings, it becomes more challenging.

I've also found that as a woman, as I've moved up in my career, my potential "interested's" narrow.

People give you lots of advice. I've tried almost all of it. But I'm definitely in a different situation than most of my friends and family. So I wondered...what would you, dear readers, do to meet the right one?

Would you go to a different church because it is bigger than yours and has more single people? (abandoning the choir you helped establish and the friends you are just starting to feel comfortable with?)

Would you try online dating, speed dating, blind dates?

Would you pay a significant amount of money to a matchmaker?

Sometimes, I'm afraid to hope for someone to share my life with because I don't want to be disappointed again. Mostly, I focus on the positive aspect of my life, and there ARE lots of things I love about living on my own and answering to no one but myself. I like my independence, but I miss having someone to share it all with. A dichotomy, I know.

Study: Bachelors Afraid to Make Mistakes

Just had to write my spin on a Reuters article I read titled "Men prefer being solo over a bad marriage." A survey was conducted by a long-time bachelor in Syndney, Australia to help him discover why he and a "growing number of eligible men were steering clear of marriage."

The findings?
"Men are 10 times more scared of marrying the wrong person than of never getting married at all," Weisman told Reuters in a telephone interview.
Weisman said his online survey found there are three groups of bachelors -- about 8 percent who never want to marry, 62 percent want to marry but of which half won't settle for anything less than perfection, and about 30 percent who are on the fence.

My reaction to this was two-fold. First, that 62% who are waiting for perfection? Forgettaboutit.
Second, I'm sure most of these men are willing to take calculated risks in other areas, like finances or pursuing job opportunities. Life is about risks. Jump!

Although I'm not proud of having two divorces, at least I'm not afraid to give it a try.

Interesting Trends

I met yesterday with a vendor, and after commenting on all my beautiful nieces and nephews whose pictures adorn my shelves, he mentioned that at his 20-year high school reunion, he and his wife were surprised to find they weren't the only ones with young children. He said he thinks our generation -- the Generation X thirty-somethings -- are in general waiting later to have kids. Hm. Maybe. I guess I've always measured my experiences with my sisters, both of whom already have kids.

I've also noticed in talking to other single thirty-something women here in NYC that the trend is definitely to get married later in life. They comment how surprised they are with friends and family in the South getting married so young.

In a conversation earlier this week with a 36-year-old friend who's just gotten married, she talked about how once she reached her thirties, she broadened her idea of the type of guy she was looking for. She didn't exclude someone from possibility just because of religion or profession, for example.

Another friend mentioned it to me in a more disturbing way, saying since the field has narrowed considerably as we get older, you get a lot less picky about who's attractive.

The thing is, as I've gotten older, I've gotten MORE discerning. In my case, maybe this is a good thing! I think I settled too much when choosing previous marriage partners. I've also found that as I've gotten more successful in my career, my potential date-ables have lessened. I don't want to be a sugar-mama, and many men still find it threatening if a woman is more successful than they are.

The Best-Laid Plans...

I recently read an online article from Redbook titled "This is what Adoption feels like." I do so want to have children someday, and as the clock keeps ticking along with no appropriate man in sight, I like to research my options.

I really enjoyed the author's intro to the article, where she writes, "I recently found an old diary from my teenage years, where I blithely wrote about my future, figuring I would get married around 28 and have children soon after." Isn't it sweetly naive how as children, we think just because we want something it will happen?

My niece Anna has recently been thinking about being a flower girl. As I am her one unmarried aunt, she has me in her plans. "Can I be your flower girl when you get married?" she asked me, unaware that I've been married before, before she was born.
Of course. "Well, when do you think you'll get married?" Ah, that's the question, isn't it?

Actually, I now wonder if I will get married again. There are many things I like about being on my own. Not that I wouldn't enjoy having a partner to share things with, but I'm trying to be content with whatever life hands me.

Adjusting to Singledom Again

I read a fluffy non-fiction book recently on a plane called Spinster Sisters. (You can probably tell by the title why it appealed to me!)

I particularly related to this passage, where one sister is being supportive of the other who recently broke up with her boyfriend:

"I'm proud of you."
"You know, I'm kind of proud of myself."
Not to mention sad, and f**king terrified, and more than a little lonesome. But, you know, in a proud way.

That's exactly how I feel. It's been nice to have my landlady/coworker/roommate this past week. I'm anxious to get my stuff organized and set up, but it's been nice having company.

Just my luck

My mom sent me a funny card this week. A girl is sitting alone on the beach, watching two hotties play volleyball. It says, "Why are all the best guys either married or gay?" The inside goes on to say, (paraphrasing), "or assholes? or slobs who leave toenail clippings around? or[something else completely undesirable]?"

(The card didn't really use profanity, but that word kinda sums up a lot of men that I've had the unfortunate opportunity to meet.)

A guy friend of mine, who reads my blog but is too chicken to leave a comment, remarked that I have the worst luck in men. It made me laugh, but it also made me feel really good to get that validation.

I was thinking this morning, it's been 14 months since I broke up with Rod. (I was going to come up with a witty, descriptive nickname for him, but I couldn't think of anything that would completely describe all the bullshit.) This is the longest I think I've ever gone without a boyfriend, and I don't say that in a sad, pity-me way because in many ways, it's been a very positive thing. I've gotten a lot stronger in who I am and what I want and know that I won't settle for less than I deserve.

By the way, I did get a marriage proposal this week. My gay boyfriend Daniel had to go home to Mexico this week to renew his visa or something and asked me half-joking, half-serious to marry him so he could get legal status in the States. I just laughed and said "can you imagine what my parents would say/think?" Ha ha ha!

Having kids of your own vs. enjoying others

Today I was a guest at my niece's 4-yr-old princess birthday party. It was very fun and chaotic, with lots of little girls dressed in their finest princess clothes.

I enjoyed talking to some of the parents. But I was surprised that one mom, after commenting on how nice it was that I'm involved in my nieces' and nephews' lives, asked me, "So when are you going to have kids?"

I paused for a minute and looked at her, thinking, are you serious? can't you see I'm here alone?

I just told her I'm still looking for the perfect sperm donor.

She thought I meant actually going to a sperm bank. I explained that I've been married before and I'm not so sure I want to be married again.

It's interesting how people feel like they can comment on your life. I know couples who have been married for many years, and they complain that everyone asks them when they're going to have kids. One couple I know don't want to have kids, but they don't feel they should have to explain themselves to acquaintances or perfect strangers, either.

I'm kinda enjoying my singlehood. It's fun to visit the kids here in Austin or in Houston, but it's also nice to go back to my quiet, orderly house and veg out in front of the tv with a nice glass of wine.

I also got to see the twins again at the party. Paige remembered me from last weekend. Most people would think, of course, but usually both Paige and Graham take a while to warm up to you. Paige actually reached for me a couple times at the party, and I got some great snuggles from her tonight. She's a sweetheart. I love all the hugs & kisses from these sweet little ones. Lack of affection is one of the few complaints I have about living alone. But my heart is full tonight.

Why I love the single life

I had a great weekend at my sister's house, visiting with her, my brother-in-law and the twins Paige and Graham, who are 21 months old. But the great thing about being an aunt is that you get to have fun without the responsibility! At times, I really envy what my sisters have, but other times, I'm so glad I get to return to my quiet single life.

Paige had diarrhea on Saturday, and it leaked out of her diaper while she was sitting on my lap. I had poop juice on my shirt. I tried to remain calm, but inside I was freaking out.

This morning, sweet Paigie climbed up into my lap again to sample my breakfast, (the first time she reached for me). She helped herself to my toast, which she promptly choked on, and I somehow managed to catch the bolus of food as it was coming back out. This is in spite of the fact that I had been pretty grossed out the night before watching my sister catch Paige's vomit in her cupped hand. (And then she analyzed it! She even asked me what I thought the white clumps might be. We determined it was probably curdled milk. Ick.)

Graham was also throwing up with the assistance of Mireya, the nanny. She was leaning him over the kitchen sink. Then he'd happily turn around ask request "Mo" of the toast he'd been eating. He did this at least three times. Eat, barf, eat, barf, eat, barf. As gross as it was, I was impressed he wasn't turned off from eating!

I did get lots of sweet moments with them, though. Sweet hugs and kisses, reading books with a little one on my lap, and lots of giggles. I guess that's what makes it all worth it.