Va-Cay

Today, I'm leaving on a plane for Paris. I got a temporary crown for my tooth, and the volcanic ash has cleared from the air. My friend Never Married and I are off to explore Paris, Amsterdam and London for the next weekend and a few days.

I'm SOOO excited and thrilled to be taking time off! I may or may not post to the blog. :-)

Living a Nightmare

Have you ever had the nightmare about your teeth falling out? I've had it several times over the years. It's very distressing. Apparently, the dream interpreters say it symbolizes that you are anxious (that's true) and afraid you're going to lose something (my mind?).

Last night, after volunteering with Habitat for Humanity for the day on Staten Island, I was pretty tired and decided to just have a quiet night at home. I made myself a simple dinner with pasta and watched my Netflix. I treated myself with a few squares of dark chocolate for dessert, and as I bit down to savor the sweet richness, I heard a strange crunch. To my horror, half of one of my molars broke off. To be honest, I think it's one of the teeth I have a crown on, so it's probably actually half of a crown, but it's freaky and awful. I ran to the bathroom to look at it, and it's not pretty. I had to look at it several times last night because my mind is still having a difficult time processing it. I called my dentist and left a message with his service. He actually called me back himself. Since I'm not in terrible pain (just a little throbbing and sensitivity to cold), and since I'm travelling for work tonight and most of tomorrow, we agreed I'd come in Monday late afternoon.

It's really not too painful, but it's so creepy. But I guess it's not the worst nightmare to have come true. And at least it's only one tooth.

[I have several crowns -- due to cracking my teeth from clenching and grinding them. I've bitten through three night guards. Stress. Still working on reducing/managing that. I really don't think I come across as high-strung or Type A, but I internalize a lot. And my teeth are getting the brunt of it.]

Wanna be Friends?

Yes, my dating life is so boring (non-existent) at the moment, the best I can do is Facebook spam. (Or is it spam?)

After the last one, I was pleasantly surprised to at least look at this one. I got a "Friend Request" from this guy:
From what I can see before we're officially Facebook friends, he's single, lives in Dallas, claims to be 34 (although he doesn't look older than 25 to me), and went to the high school I graduated from and apparently graduated the same year as I did although I am older than 34. (Doogie Houser?) His favorite music is listed as Rock and Roll and Frank Sinatra, and his favorite books? "Anything by Nicholas Sparks." If that wasn't suspicious enough, his description says "challenging but 'rewarding' like me." Sounds like a description on a dating site for what you're looking for, not a profile description on yourself.

It would be nice if this wasn't spam, although Dallas isn't very convenient for me anymore. What do you think? Should I friend him?

Gimme a Break

Apparently, I've been overdoing it. Too much exercise (triathlon training), too strict on caloric intake, and too much work. My body is in stress overload, causing bouts of racing heartbeats, holding on to weight, and back muscle spasms. I know, it sounds so enticing you wish it was you, right?

I'm hard on myself. Maybe too hard. I push myself to do more, more, more, and I'm angry when my body doesn't respond the way I want it to. But it has been recommended to me that I try more relaxation techniques and cut back on the training. It's easier said than done. I feel guilty if I'm not doing something (running, biking or swimming) every day. The tri is less than two months away. This will be my fourth triathlon, and last year, I had my personal best time. I want to beat it, but if I can't do that, I want to at least match it. So this past weekend, I only did swimming. But I think I still did too much because my shoulders haven't stopped contracting, despite heat, stretching and massage.

It's difficult to turn off my perfectionist tendencies. I not only want to do it all, I want to do it WELL. My mind has been racing lately with everything I need to do, to the point where I get almost paralyzed, completely overwhelmed. I usually make lists and check things off one by one. But I also still need to work on saying "No." I'm not very good at that.

I'm really looking forward to my vacation. I'm travelling with my fellow singleton, Never Married (NM) to Paris, Amsterdam and London. I'm hoping to connect with other singleton bloggers in Paris and London and will be trying not to think of anyone in particular in Amsterdam. But mostly, it will be blissful to be away from my major stressors here and enjoying the beautiful spring in Europe. It can't come soon enough.

My Latest Offer

I got the following message (with this punctuation and capitalization) through Facebook from a guy named "Church Victor:"

Hello dear your profile and pictures attract me to you,im an honest and easy going man who seek an honest and true date,im 39 and a devoted christian with an heart of gold,i await your resposnse to know if we can be entagled in the chemistry of love.
victor

Oh, and in case that wasn't appealing enough, his profile pic shows he's very rotund.

My response? BLOCK

My Easter Weekend

[I started writing this two days ago but have gotten slammed lately with incredible amounts of work and unable to finish. I apologize for the un-timeliness.]

Friday night, I met up with my friend NM for dinner, and we were joined by my much-younger cousin who's a senior at West Point and one of his buddies. After dinner, three more much-younger guys joined us, and by the end, NM and I were really feeling the 16 year difference in our ages. It's hard for me to specify exactly what it was that left me feeling "old" about the conversation, but I was grateful to have camaraderie when NM turned to me as we left the bar/restaurant saying, "Wow, I feel OLD!"

On Saturday, I took advantage of the sunshine and rode my bike up to Central Park and back downtown. It's about 18 miles roundtrip. The weather looked beautiful, but it was actually a bit chilly, and although I wished I was wearing more than short-sleeves and bike shorts, I didn't want to turn back. So I kept moving and enjoyed seeing all the blooming trees in Central Park. There was a lot of pedestrian, roller-blading and cycling traffic to dodge, and the return trip was into the wind. I was sufficiently exhausted when I got home, but I did go out to meet some colleagues from work at an event in Tribeca that evening.

Sunday began with a great service at church, where we sang all the familiar, traditional hymns and had an egg hunt for the kids. Returning home, I crashed, falling asleep on the couch for a couple hours until my mom called. I felt drugged, so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open. But fortunately she woke me, because I had been invited to a piano-violin concert at a friend's in the Upper West Side.

This is a new friend, introduced to me over email by my cousin-once-removed. They went to university together many years ago, and at a recent family wedding, this cousin and my mom (first cousins) caught up. Because this part of the story is already too long, my cousin reached out and said I should absolutely meet his friend and his wife, who were fascinating, dear people. He is a professor of English, and she is currently on a grant in Italy, although I didn't catch what she's doing. The concert was fantastic: both instrumentalists are very talented and in sync with each other. Afterwards, my host served bouillabaisse with many kinds of seafood I don't usually eat! The flavor was delicious, but I'm a bit squeamish about texture and usually avoid squid and mussels, both of which were plentiful. I couldn't refuse, so I ate almost everything -- I couldn't do the little squid that looks like a mini-octopus. But I enjoyed the visit and conversation around the table immensely.

Quality

This was sent to me by a friend. I like it and thought I'd share it:

"Women are like apples on trees, the best ones are on the top of the tree. The men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and don't want to get hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground -- that isn't so good but easy. So, the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top because they value quality." - Anonymous

Un-friending

We have new verbs in our vocabulary now, thanks to the Internet and social media. I'm fully immersed in these with my job, in part, helping clients figure out how to leverage social media. We "Google" people, places and things. If email or phone doesn't work, we can "Facebook" someone. And within that social network, we can "Fan" and "Friend" someone.

I've even had the experience of Un-Friending and Blocking someone on Facebook. Sometimes, like recently, I wish it was as easy to Un-Friend someone in person.

I know a guy going through a rough patch. I also know he likes me as more than a friend. He is currently in a relationship with a girl, but it's not going well. He likes to ask me for advice, but lately, I feel like he's also setting up his next move to ask me to be the next girlfriend. I'm NOT interested. AT ALL. He's not my type by any means, and I find him to be too self-absorbed and arrogant. And while he's decent enough looking, I don't find him attractive.

Lately, he's been asking me for more time and attention (pestering me). He calls, texts me, and asks me for time to meet in person, presumably to talk about his issues with his girlfriend. I've tried to be a good friend and have answered the phone, exchanged texts, and gone to lunch with him on several occasions. But I'm reaching the end of my limit.

When we walk down the street, he constantly leans into me, and my natural inclination is to move sideways. In this manner, we can diagonally cross an extra-wide sidewalk in one short block! He's also very touchy-feely, and I'm just getting to the point where I want to put about a mile in between us. I've never given him ANY encouragement that his feelings are returned. I've tried to be a good friend because I know he's going through a lot and we share a religious community.

But sometimes, I'm too nice for my own good. I know this, in theory, but I have a hard time setting boundaries with people. In the book "Eat. Love. Pray" by Elizabeth Gilbert, she describes herself:

" I have boundary issue with men. Or maybe that's not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must HAVE boundaries in the first place, right?"

I can totally relate.

If at first you don't succeed...

...try, try, try again. Or so the saying goes.

But sometimes, you really are better off giving up. Or calling it quits.

With two divorces under my belt, I'm afraid that maybe I give up too easily. Or at least it appears that way. To counteract that, sometimes I try too hard to make a bad relationship work. One example of this is my relationship with the Green-Eyed Dutchman.

I wrote last summer about how we met 12 years ago as well as how our relationship changed from friends to more 10 years ago and his visit last May. And then as we were talking about me moving over there, he disappeared on me. But I got sucked back in, after my friend and his friend passed away in November and we shared our grief. I visited GED for New Years and thought maybe it was finally the right time for us.

And then he disappears again. No contact. No replies to my emails or text messages. FOR TWO MONTHS.

I'm angry with him, but more angry with myself. You know, "First time, shame on you. Second time, shame on me." Third time? I'm just an idiot, hopeless romantic.

But I thought maybe this was my chance at Love. And I believed him when he said it would be different.

I did finally hear from him, and we had a brief telephone conversation. He apologized and said his world had gotten busy/stressful/crazy. He asked how I was. I was pleased that I was able to maintain my composure and told him his silence had devastated me but I was over it, moving on. (And I was pleased that this was true, not just words.) I was able to tell him that I wished he had had the balls to tell me how he felt about me, but from his actions, it was perfectly clear how [not] important I was. He denied that his actions reflected his feelings for me, but I reminded him it was him who told me, during my trip there in January, that he was the type of guy that didn't tell his feelings as much as demonstrate them through his actions.

He had called in the middle of my workday. The time zones is always a challenge, so he asked if he could call me on the weekend and explain more fully. That was two weeks ago. Still haven't heard that explanation, not that it matters at this point.

Enjoying the Simple Things

I was in Austin last weekend for my niece Anna's 9th birthday. The weather was glorious. Texas is in full-spring, and the bluebonnets are just beginning to carpet the fields. Some of my favorite moments from the weekend:

• Taking Anna to get her ears pierced. She was nervous about the potential pain but so excited. Fortunately, she found the pain wasn't that bad at all, and she was THRILLED with the results. She picked out some crystal blue flowers in her birthstone as her starter set. They sparkled almost as much as she did. She told me it was the best day of her life and that she wanted to run and shout for joy. (We were in the car at the time, so that exuberance wasn't able to be expressed.) She and I were both laughing, so happy -- she was excited to have braved the experience and at the opportunity to get to wear a new form of jewelry, and I was relieved she didn't have much pain and delighted at her excitement.
• Watching a movie with my nephew Colin on my lap. This is definitely one of my favorite ways to watch movies, with a snuggly little guy. Although Colin is getting very long-legged and not so little anymore. But he was freshly showered and pajama-ed and I could snuggle into his neck and kiss his cheek. During a scary scene in the movie, he picked up my hand and put it on top of his chest.
• Bollywood dance class with Jenn. Several months ago, I saw Jenn and her friend give an impromptu performance at her house after some liquid courage, and it looked like so much fun. I was excited to be able to join her for a class, although with it being my first class and in the middle of their season, I only got about 1/3 of the moves. But it was fun and good exercise.
• Screaming as a "Mandrake" at the Harry-Potter-themed birthday party. Anna's party was all about Harry Potter, and Jenn had planned the activities around the characters and story. We made root beer floats into potions and replanted flowers pretending they were the ear-splitting mandrakes. Several of us adults screamed as the mandrakes. One of the kids said, looking at us like we were crazy, "It's not really the plants, it's just them screaming." But we were laughing, and Anna's face was beaming.
  

Selfishness Has Its Limits

Last night, in the too-many-moments before I fell asleep, I realized another reason of why I'm ready for a relationship. I'm tired of just considering myself. While I realize there are benefits to being able to be selfish, it does get old. Sure, I get to choose what restaurant to eat at/order from, where I'll go on vacation or how to spend my money all by myself, but sometimes, it would be nice to have another person's opinion and perspective. Maybe I'm not sure WHAT I want to eat, and without inspiration I tend to fall back on the same restaurants or meals that I usually cook.

While a relationship requires compromise and inevitably brings conflict, I find myself a little bored with just me. Just one of those thoughts before dreamland.

Evasive Action

First, let me thank Catherinette for bringing this BBC news story to my attention.

Upon responding to a domestic violence call, a female officer had to take "evasive action" to get out of the way of the suspect's penis being brandished as a weapon and waved about at her face.

I know guns aren't as commonplace in the UK as they are here, but this just made me laugh!

Escape

[Whenever I see the word "escape" in print, the first thing that goes through my head is Ellen Degeneres's voice from "Finding Nemo" sounding out "Ess-cah-pay." It makes me smile.]

I came across this on the web: Create an Escape Plan

It’s driving you crazy. Quite possibly, it’s having a negative impact on your health. It’s time to escape. But how? You feel like you have no options – no way out. It’s time to sit down and make a list. A list of what you need to do to get out of the situation. A list of what you need to do to make a change.

I'm definitely feeling the itch to escape, and it's getting harder to ignore. I need to make a change, but how much? And am I ready for this? Change is risky, but doing the same thing and expecting different results is insane. I'm thinking through all the options, trying to plan for all contingencies. I hate the uncertainty, the in-between-ness. I much prefer once I've made a decision and am acting on it. But it's too big to make the decision lightly. So I'm making lists. Several items have question marks next to them and require research -- Google and talking to trusted friends and counselors.

At least I have my upcoming Europe trip with Never Married as a welcome distraction. We leave for Paris, Amsterdam and a day in London at the end of April.

Not that Kind of Girl

My office is generally business casual, and [nice] jeans are acceptable. I love jeans, so this works really well for me. But yesterday, I had a client presentation, so I wore a black pencil skirt with my black boots and a cardigan. Unfortunately, about an hour before my presentation, I got a run in my hose. Grrr. Hose aren't my favorite thing, but it's still chilly here in NYC and I needed to look presentable. I don't think anyone noticed during my presentation -- it was less noticeable when I was standing and I'm sure they were blown away by my impressive knowledge and speaking abilities. Ha!

Afterward, one woman pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. And her last question was, "How do you get to be a senior vice president in your twenties?" I thanked her and politely corrected her.

Later, in a meeting with some colleagues, I was sitting with my legs crossed and the run in my hose was more obvious. They teased me that maybe I did it on purpose. Can you imagine? No, I told them, I'm not that kind of girl. I'm pretty conservative in my clothes and appearance. It's important to me to look professional. In fact, since I started my career, I've always looked younger and have struggled against people's perceptions that I'm "too young" and don't know what I'm talking about. Most of the time, I love looking younger than late-30-something. But in the workplace, it's not always an asset.

Flirting is an Art Form

I've been neglecting the blog. Work is crazy as ever (certifiably insane kind of crazy), and I'm in triathlon training mode, going to the gym or the pool every day. And I just haven't felt like blogging much. But I do have a story to share...Jury Duty guy.

We finally found an evening that worked for both of us, and he let me pick the place. I found a nice bar/lounge in Soho not too far from my office. The date was for drinks, but we stayed for several hours and shared some appetizers to keep some sort of check on the blood-alcohol levels. He asked me a lot of questions about myself -- almost to the point where he wasn't doing much talking about himself -- but did sprinkle in several compliments about my appearance and warned me "I'm going to flirt with you." Great, bring it on. I like my share of flirting.

Only, apparently, he doesn't really understand how to flirt, the innuendo and suggestive dialogue. His definition of flirting is decidedly more crass and obvious.

After laying his cards on the table and telling me that he wanted to be completely honest with me that he's not interested in a relationship, he started to "flirt." He asked me things like what position is my favorite, my bra size, and other things which I can't even write. I deflected the questions. It was obvious he's just looking for a good time gal, and while I can be fun to be around, I'm not looking for his type of rendezvous.

He said, "Oh, you're a relationship girl," in such an accusing tone I defended myself and disagreed with him. I'm not afraid to be alone, and steadfastly believe it's better to be on my own than in the wrong relationship (see divorce #1 and #2). I'm not one who is anxiously looking to be married just to be married. But I would like to meet someone and see where it goes, naturally letting it develop into something more, or not, as opposed to having the boundaries of what this could or couldn't be defined on the first date.

So he asked me if I wanted to come over and watch a movie at his place the next night. No thanks. I want more than just a friend-with-benefits, and I deserve to be treated with more respect.

Cyber Stalking

Text messaging, Facebook, emails...there are more ways to reach out to people, for good or bad purposes. Fortunately, there are also many ways to block people, but occasionally, some slimy messages get through.

Years ago, my best girlfriends at work and I would go to lunch often. (Ah, the good ol' days when I didn't eat at my desk...) Sometimes, one of the guys -- a married father -- would tag along, laughing at our jokes, but he wasn't really a part of our estrogen-bonded circle. Every now and then, I would get a strange vibe from him, but for the most part, he seemed harmless. A nice, if awkward, guy.

Years passed, and we all moved on to other jobs and other friends. I kept in touch with the girls, and at a lunch get-together, one friend mentioned she had heard from the man, who was getting a divorce. We all commented how that was too bad and the conversation moved on to other topics.

Soon after, the two of us singleton gals started getting emails from the guy. Creepy emails. It seemed he was interested in rekindling the friendship and whatever else might spark. Ew. Neither of us was interested.

Then the Facebook stalking started. He would send friend requests with odd messages of random topics. They sounded like he was picking up in the middle of a conversation. I didn't want to encourage anything and decided to block him on Facebook. And I told the one girl who was in touch with him not to give out my info.

This week, the other singleton in our group -- who is in a committed relationship -- got the strangest email from Creepy Dude. I had to share...it's so bizarre.

The email's subject is "Mole."

And the message says: "lady recently cut my hair. she had a big 'ol mole on her lip. i couldn't help but think of the scene where Austin Powers could not stop looking at the mole's mole."

SO WEIRD! Does he seriously think this is the best way to start up a conversation with someone that he hasn't even exchanged emails with in over a year?

I laughed out loud when I read it, and then thanked my lucky stars it wasn't sent to me!

Another Internet Dating Story

So a fellow singleton colleague of mine who recently moved to NYC recently went on a date with a guy she met through eHarmony (been there, done that). She said they had had several good phone conversations and agreed to meet. Before the meeting, she had a business trip which took her to Vancouver during the Olympic games. New-to-NY (N2NY) texted him a picture of the Olympic flame, and he made an off-color remark saying he wished she had sent a picture of her in lingerie instead, "just kidding." Kidding or not, the remark was overly flirtatious and not respectful of their new acquaintance. Thinking of his other positive qualities, N2NY went to meet him and hoped for the best.

So how did it go? She sat down with wide eyes to give me the scoop today. Apparently, after some time with conversation covering each of their respective occupations, he admitted, "Well, you're a very intimidating and powerful woman."

N2NY said, "I prefer confident." But he reiterated that he was intimidated by her in a way that wasn't a compliment but rather more of an excuse for him. But the final straw? He made another reference to lingerie. N2NY was outta there!

I've had men tell me I'm intimidating before. Usually when they can't perform up to task, so to speak.

Beautiful Snowfall

NYC got over a foot of snow last week between Thursday and Friday. While I am getting a little tired of winter and look forward to seeing more of the sun in Spring, I am still enthralled with the snow. It's beautiful.

This weekend, I ventured up to Central Park and enjoyed the winter wonderland.

One More Time?

Why do we revisit or reconsider relationships from our past? I think sometimes the good memories stay with you more than the bad. And sometimes, especially during times of loneliness, you wonder if there is something worth salvaging. Or maybe it was the right person but the timing just wasn't right. Perhaps you didn't give the relationship a fair shot the first time around. And for me, I worry that I may throw in the towel too easily, run when things get tough, so I try again to make sure I'm not just avoiding conflict.

But I also tend to put more stock in my mind than my emotions. I trust thinking more than feeling. I understand (in theory) the importance of paying attention to those gut reactions, but I generally overthink things, rationalizing and reasoning away those pesky feelings.

I have another single friend (male) who told me you know, deep inside yourself, when something is right or not. I argued (of course), but what if I really don't know?

Or maybe it's just hard to shut the door on a relationship because in some way, it feels like admitting failure. Another one bites the dust. And it's always difficult to say goodbye.

Order Up

Perhaps I watch too much TV. I have my favorite sitcoms, dramas and news shows, and at least I use my DVR and fast-forward through the commercials.

Tonight I was catching up on Brothers & Sisters. The divorced sister Sarah is the character I currently identify with. In the most recent episode, she had a brief monologue where she's describing her relationship falterings, stating she's successful in many areas of her life, like business, but just has this one area of her life that she can't make work. In another scene, she's talking to her school-aged daughter about Valentine's and tells her it's not always the guy who makes you blush and not able to put a coherent sentence together that's the best for you -- at the time she's dating a nice guy that she doesn't feel passion for. But as TV usually does, she ends up at the end of the hour broken up from the boring, nice guy and back together with her passionate French ex-boyfriend.

I want the butterflies and blushing and stammering. I've tried settling, and I don't think it's worth it. Of course, there's more to it than attraction and passion, but I do believe those are important ingredients.

I had lunch with a recently married colleague of mine this week, and she described her nearly one-year marriage (second one for her) as feeling comfortably settled. She said it's such a comforting, wonderful feeling. I want settled, but without settling.

And since I've heard and read that you need to state what you want, I want a guy that adores me, the challenges me to be my best, that makes me laugh even when I want to shout or cry, someone who is loyal, intelligent, and deserving of my respect and admiration, someone who will appreciate all I have to give. And Universe? Tall, dark and handsome is great, too. Thanks.