Amazing

It all started with an email through Match.com. Fly Boy emailed me saying he found my profile interesting. He particularly liked that I noted that I believe every soul has value and responded to my requirements of height-weight proportionate (he's 5'10" 210#) and the absolute disdain I have for tobacco use (Never!).

However, when I clicked through to his profile, two things in particular made me stop short of liking it: he chose the field "no more kids/happy if the other person has kids of their own" and "recently divorced." In addition, he had mentioned in his email to me that he works as a police officer and is a Navy Commander. While impressive, I've never been the type to go for police officers, and based on my experience (ex-husband #2 and another short-term guy), I'm not very interested in military guys either. Regarding the kids, he wrote in his profile of his three young girls (with accompanying ADORABLE picture). Rather than the auto "No thank you" response Match offers, I decided to write him back and let him know of my two show-stoppers. To my surprise, he wrote back. And further surprise, his response was very well-written. He not only explained his thinking behind what he wrote (he's open to more kids -- in fact, thinks "there can never be too many of them" and explained he's been separated for about four years and has an excellent relationship with his ex) but he also responded that he heard and understood my objections.

I found myself writing back to him again. Partially because he was a good writer and demonstrated intelligence. He wrote me the next time about how he takes his little girls (8, 5, and 4) on "dates," showing them how they should be treated and giving them one-on-one time with dad. [AW!!!] He also talked about being a pilot and asking if I'd ever been in a one-engine plane (not yet!).

As we shared emails about our backgrounds, we found similarity in the frequent relocations: mine due to my dad's airline company employment and Fly Boy's due to his dad being in the Army. He wrote about some of the leadership opportunities he's had in the Navy and how he's trying to bring that learning to his fellow officers at the police department. He also expressed interest in learning more about what I do and complimented me on my successes.

After several long emails, we exchanged phone numbers. The first call lasted TWO HOURS but seemed like 30 minutes. FB's not only intelligent, he's funny. He has the admirable ability to laugh at himself and also is not afraid to point out when I've done something that is mockable (in a respectful way -- he makes me laugh at myself when I'm taking myself too seriously).

We talked a couple more times before setting a date to meet one afternoon for coffee. I knew we had intellectual compatibility, but would we have physical chemistry? Well...that initial "coffee date" lasted 8 hours! FB took me to dinner and we talked non-stop. He has beautiful blue eyes, but he is hesitant to smile often or long. It became a challenge to me to try and make him smile -- it lights up his face when he does.

FB asked to see me the next day -- but that was move-in day to my new apartment. Not exactly a fun activity for anyone. But he reassured me that he was just interested in spending time with me. He turned out to be a huge help, offering to unpack boxes or do whatever needed doing, and stayed until he had to go to work that evening at the police department.

The next day (Sunday), he asked me to lunch, and then spur-of-the-moment invited me to join him to drive out to see his parents just outside of Austin. It all seemed natural enough -- not overly formal like so many of these such meetings -- that I found myself agreeing. Plus, I just wanted to spend more time with him. He's genuinely interested in me: my job, my family, what's important to me -- and at the same time, he's more than I would have thought possible in a police/Navy guy.

His parents were lovely. I thoroughly enjoyed talking to both of them. He's very close with his parents and his younger sister (in LA).

There's more...but it's late, I'm in Chicago (for work, and I'm tired. And this blog post is long enough! Suffice it to say that I really like FB. So much so that I cut off my Match profile. And for the first time in a really long time, it doesn't seem like a sacrifice to give up meeting other people. And for his part, FB is so complimentary, supportive and respectful of me and what I do and what I'm about. It's just amazing.

Order Up

Perhaps I watch too much TV. I have my favorite sitcoms, dramas and news shows, and at least I use my DVR and fast-forward through the commercials.

Tonight I was catching up on Brothers & Sisters. The divorced sister Sarah is the character I currently identify with. In the most recent episode, she had a brief monologue where she's describing her relationship falterings, stating she's successful in many areas of her life, like business, but just has this one area of her life that she can't make work. In another scene, she's talking to her school-aged daughter about Valentine's and tells her it's not always the guy who makes you blush and not able to put a coherent sentence together that's the best for you -- at the time she's dating a nice guy that she doesn't feel passion for. But as TV usually does, she ends up at the end of the hour broken up from the boring, nice guy and back together with her passionate French ex-boyfriend.

I want the butterflies and blushing and stammering. I've tried settling, and I don't think it's worth it. Of course, there's more to it than attraction and passion, but I do believe those are important ingredients.

I had lunch with a recently married colleague of mine this week, and she described her nearly one-year marriage (second one for her) as feeling comfortably settled. She said it's such a comforting, wonderful feeling. I want settled, but without settling.

And since I've heard and read that you need to state what you want, I want a guy that adores me, the challenges me to be my best, that makes me laugh even when I want to shout or cry, someone who is loyal, intelligent, and deserving of my respect and admiration, someone who will appreciate all I have to give. And Universe? Tall, dark and handsome is great, too. Thanks.

Smell & Attraction

I've written before about my strong sense of smell. Today, a study was released that proves women have a stronger sense of smell than men.

Women's noses can penetrate fancy colognes and detect male body odor, but men don't have the same ability, say U.S. researchers. And they speculate that women may be more sensitive to biologically relevant information in sweat that might, in fact, help them select a mate. Read more.

And in another study I read about last year, oral contraception skewed women's hormones and altered the type of male scent women find most attractive. Basically, the contraceptive Pill could also be responsible for skewing their hormones and attracting them to the “wrong” partner.

A study by British scientists suggests that taking the Pill can change a woman’s taste in men — to those who are genetically less compatible. The research found that the Pill can alter the type of male scent that women find most attractive, which may in turn affect the kind of men they choose as partners. Read more.

Third, my mom gave me a heads up to a recent Oprah show that in part talked about how men are more attracted to women who ovulate, which you obviously don't do if you're on the Pill.

Karl Grammer and Elizabeth Oberzaucher are leading the research on the human scent's influence on sexual attraction. They've found that when women are ovulating, they produce copulins, a scent that attracts men. The researchers believe when a man gets a whiff of copulins, his testosterone levels rise. As a result, he secretes androstenone, an odor that repels women who aren't ovulating. Read more.

My conclusion? I may not be attracting the right men, or be attracted to the right men, if I'm on the Pill. Maybe THAT'S why I chose some of the oh-so-obviously wrong men in my past! I realize it's probably more complicated than that, but hormones are powerful forces. And choosing a different form of birth control is a lot easier than months of counselling! (which I've also done.)

The Nose Knows

I have a very strong sense of smell. Occasionally, when walking past mounds of garbage on the street in NYC or in a particularly pungent subway station, I have to hold my breath or focus on just breathing through my mouth.

The way a guy smells is very important to me. I'm not talking about sweat or "body odor," but I'm referring to someone's natural smell, underneath the cologne or sweat. It's something that either is very attractive to me or completely repulsive. Sometimes, I can smell someone just sitting across the table from me. Other people do not have such a strong scent and it may take nuzzling their neck to discover their individual aroma.

Earlier today, I rode the elevator with a UPS delivery guy. He emitted such a strange, strong odor, I found myself holding my breath and sneaking oxygen in small gulps.

According to scientists, how our body odors are perceived as pleasant and sexy to another person is a highly selective process. We usually smell best to a person whose genetically based immunity to disease differs most from our own, with the idea that together you could produce stronger, healthier children.

Maybe it's pheromones, or maybe just compatibility, but smell is definitely a deal-breaker for me.