Recharged

Since the whole FWB ending, I've been lying low, just trying to regroup and soothe my wounded ego. It's been fine: I'm exercising almost daily, catching up on my reading and doing little things to pamper myself. But I do miss male company.

This week, I was very fortunate to get taken to lunch by one of my vendors and out to drinks & appetizers by another. The lunch was just a one-on-one, and I really enjoyed our conversation. I've been talking to this guy for over a year, strictly platonic. He's married with two adorable girls. He reminded me not to give up on my dream of finding someone but to value the freedom being single gives me.

The happy hour was with a group of my colleagues from work and a group from the vendor. Without planning it, we realized it was Fat Tuesday, and the swanky bar we met at had live jazz playing in the background and festive purple, green and gold beads strung about. The conversation was great, and I enjoyed talking to one guy in particular. Again, not really a flirty conversation, just intellectually stimulating. (He's in a committed relationship.)

Both of these encounters were very simple, easy, and not at all sexually charged. But I left each feeling recharged, and enjoying the pleasant exchange of thoughts and ideas. Maybe I'm ready to get out there again...

Music to Soothe the Soul

A little over a year ago, I mentioned the idea of a choir to the minister at my church and we started one. Our organist is our leader, and his talent and encouragement have made us into a pretty decent group.

Yesterday we performed our most ambitious music to date: a Latin cantata by Buxtehude and a women's-only piece titled Snow. Both were accompanied by violins.

The cantata was a bit of a struggle, but we got through the 8 minute piece without anyone in the congregation knowing where we missed an entrance or added an extra harmony note. But the Snow...! It was incredible. We had five women, two altos and three sopranos, and we were so in tuned with each other. The unison parts sounded like one voice, and then we would break into harmony in perfect rhythm. The song is very haunting, going from a minor key to major then ending back in the minor. The violins added complexity, and at times it sounded to me like part of a movie soundtrack. When we ended, the sound floated down to a hushed audience, and I found I was shaking. It was so good, and it was so great to be a part of it!

I corralled everyone into taking a picture after our mid-winter potluck lunch, but two people had already left. The gentleman in the middle is Earl, our director and accompanist.

My New Crush

Been spending time with my digitally recorded TV shows lately, and I must admit I have a big crush on Damian Lewis. He first came to my attention in Band of Brothers, and I'm enjoying watching him each week on Life. Too bad he's married.












I also think Jason O'Mara in Life on Mars is pretty cute. (Also married.)











Not that I have a chance of meeting these famous actors anyway. But I do enjoy watching them!

***

Ha ha...after I posted this, and looked at the layout on my blog, I realize my picture on the left is gazing directly at the pictures of these handsome men!

V-Day is Over!

Long time no post...partially due to the fact that I was trying to ignore Valentine's Day. I was hoping that with it being on a Saturday this year, I could just hibernate through it without calling attention to my singleness, but on Friday, flowers kept arriving here at the office for various girls around me. At the end of the day, I got an IM from a fellow singleton here remarking about the plethora of flowers for seemingly everyone but us.

On Saturday, I planned a quiet day and evening, but although I knew my cousin Rob was coming in from West Point and meeting me for lunch, I wasn't expecting to spend the whole day and evening with him. He was bemoaning the fact that he doesn't have a girlfriend and is at a school with few women, and I was trying to encourage him while being in the same, if not worse, situation myself.

I did finally get some time to myself yesterday for self-pampering. I went shopping with my favorite companion -- my debit card -- and stimulated the local economy while getting some really cute outfits for my upcoming cruise. I was thrilled to buy several smaller-sized items, and just enjoyed the saleswoman's comment that "everything looks great on you" even though I know she's trying to make a sale. Nothing like some retail therapy to perk a girl up!

The Rest of the Weekend

Don't worry, my weekend got better. Friday was just a low point. (Blame it on hormones.)

We had some milder temperatures this weekend with lots of sunshine, and I walked around until I couldn't walk anymore. (My right hip has been acting up, shifting out of alignment due to slight scoliosis, and although the chiropractor adjustments help, it keeps falling out of place.)

Our church choir (all ten of us) are preparing to do a Cantata and special womens-only piece in two weeks. The music is very challenging for our group, but it's starting to sound so good. We practice after the church service, and I've realized this is my favorite part of the week. We also have cassette tapes of the music to practice with at home, and when I start to sing along with the tape, my cat Sabrina howls along with me. (It's a bit disconcerting but also funny.)

And I saw my NJ friend Kelly yesterday. Her pregnant belly is beautiful, round and full. We haven't seen each other since early December, and she remarked that my face looks thinner. :-) Love that!

A bit lonely

Friday nights always seem to be the worst when I'm lonely. I guess I equate Friday nights with "date night," and it just seems pathetic to spend it on my couch with my cat and a half-bottle of wine.

And I know I'm thinking too much when I start to read stuff into stupid commercials, but... I just saw one for a jeweler in preparation for Valentine's Day (which I'm SO looking forward to) which stated something about "if your heart is open, love will always come in."

Well, what if your heart is open, and all that happens is that love flows out? I'm feeling a bit unbalanced in the heart department.

Remember that book about Love Languages? My primary love language is touch. I start to feel extreme loneliness when I go days without feeling human touch. I think that's why I've been getting so many massages lately, in addition to the reason that my neck and shoulders have been killing me. Even though I have to pay for it, as least it's human contact. Although it doesn't quite fit the bill -- it's not like bumping into people in the subway or shaking peoples' hands in business fill the void -- but it's as close as I have, now.

The crappy thing is...FWB was my best friend here, as well as my "boyfriend." Now I'm back to square one. (And I'm not going to call him. I'm not even tempted. I'm just sad, grieving the loss of my friend.)

Random Thoughts & Snowy Pictures

Why is it that when you lose a sock or an earring, you only lose one? For me, especially if it's a pair of earrings that I really like, I hold on to the one I have left, hoping the missing one will turn up. As I've been "cleaning house" -- sorting through and weeding out stuff I don't need -- I'm having a hard time throwing away these onesies. I think, I really liked this pair of earrings, and what if I throw this away and then find the missing one? At the end of the day, though, it's just earrings, and I usually find a way to part with it.

***

Facebook is a great tool for keeping up with hundreds of friends and former colleagues, but lately, I've been getting several friend requests from people who went to the same high schools I did. (I attended two, as we moved from Midland to Houston in the middle of my junior year.) In the vast majority of cases, I don't remember these people! It's a bit unnerving to me that I honestly have no recollection of them, and presumably they do of me.

***

Having spent the past 7-8 years of my life watching my weight go up and down the scale, my wardrobe has gone through many different sizes, from an 8 to 14. As I'm now coming back down again (hooray! thank goodness! it's working!), I'm reluctant to let go of the larger sized clothes. Not that I'm emotionally attached to them, but I fear that I will go back up again. I've also considered having them tailored, but I also worry about regaining the weight and possibly popping the stitches!

***

It snowed ALL DAY yesterday. My desk is by a window, on the 16th floor of our building, and I watched the small flakes come down, swishing this way and that. Not much stuck, and the City is so good at salting and sanding the streets and sidewalks that this morning, the snow is only left on rooftops and grassy areas. But I took a few pictures yesterday afternoon in City Hall Park. I'm really pleased with how they came out. It looks like the winter wonderland I was walking in, and the falling snow shows in the images, too.

Anti-Superbowl Evening

I'm not a huge fan of football. I was, at one time. Football is big in Texas, and I spent high school and college faithfully going to the games and cheering on my team. But after awhile, I guess I got burned out on it.

Of course, it's fun to watch with a group. But I didn't get any invitations to a Superbowl party, and rather than wallow in self-pity, I decided to make an appointment at a spa for some "me time."

I really enjoy spas. I like the steam room, sauna, hot showers, and of course, the services. I was scheduled for a massage and manicure. I was in desperate need of the massage after waking up on Friday with a very stiff neck and shoulders. Apparently, I had slept on it funny, and all my muscles were bunched up and hurting. The massage therapist was great and worked on all the kinks, improving my range of motion.

Then I went home and made some lettuce wraps, opened a bottle of wine, and watched a movie, La Vie en Rose. Halfway through, my phone beeps, a text message.

From FWB. "U still not talking to me?"

I thought of several choice things I could say but decided not to respond at all. I'm still so angry about the whole thing. Obviously, he misses talking to me, but I think he just wants me to be there for his emotional support. I'm realizing he's much more selfish than I originally thought. He can't even respect my request for time and space!

Baggage

A few years ago, after a break-up, my mom suggested I try to find someone without baggage. I replied that we all have baggage -- I know I certainly do -- it's just whether you've dealt with it or not.

A good friend of mine, who is a lurker on my blog but prefers to send her comments and encouragement privately via email, explained it another way. I think she's got it figured out and so enjoyed her take on it, I wanted to share:

It is my hope that people who know they have baggage (me included) take the scary steps needed to work on it, try to trust and love again, and get back to LIVING life their way and not in the shadow of an experience with someone else. Much easier said than done, as we both well know. It is also my feeling that someone with “extra” baggage either be willing to pay the heavy bag fee or offload some of that crap and just take a carry-on.

I totally agree. The airlines are now charging for checked luggage, encouraging carry-ons. That's going to be my new policy, too!

Some Enchanted Evening

I had a lovely time last night with my surprise visitors -- my sister Steph and her daughter Paige, who is 5 1/2. Paige called me as soon as their plane landed. She was so excited to be here on her special trip with Mommy.

I met them for an early dinner at Gramercy Tavern, which is conveniently located close to my office. While Steph and I enjoyed a lovely bottle of wine, Paige was thrilled to enjoy a Coke! (A very rare treat.) She called it her "beer," and the effects were almost immediate. She was buzzing from the sugar and caffeine. Of course, it was all part of Steph's plan to help Paige stay up through the Broadway show!

We went to see South Pacific, and the talent was fantastic. From the orchestra to the performers, the costumes and the sets, everything was breathtakingly beautiful. And Paige was such a trooper! We only saw two other children there, and she was definitely the youngest. Poor baby had gotten up at 4:45 a.m. that day to catch the plane, and she definitely got a zombie look through the performance. But she was completely well-behaved and everyone around us commented on her poise and maturity. And she was entranced enough in the story to stick it out until the end.

During one of the opening numbers, a group of guys dressed as sailors sing "There is Nothing Like a Dame." We had incredible seats -- even the usher said they were his favorite seats in the house! They were situated on Row F in the orchestra and were overlooking a stairway where the performers would enter and exit. This meant no one was directly in front of us! During the "Dame" song, at one point, all the guys turned in our direction and seemed to be singing directly to us. I swear I caught eyes with one cute guy, and he continued to sing while maintaining my gaze. I felt my face go hot (I'm sure I was red) and it seemed to go on for several somewhat-uncomfortable minutes. I can't remember the last time I blushed, but it was such a powerful experience. I love Broadway! I love the talent, the live performance, the energy you get from the performers and even from the other patrons around you. I like the smaller theaters where you feel almost a part of the action.

All in all, quite an "enchanted evening," to borrow one of the popular songs from the show.

Sometimes You Need a Good Laugh

I had dinner with some great girlfriends tonight at Anthos. It's a fancy Greek restaurant with fabulous food and beautiful presentation. 

I've been so down lately, and that doesn't inspire me to write much. Plus, I don't think it makes for great reading either!

But one of my girlfriends has been blogging, using her great sense of humor and pointing out the ridiculous in everyday life. It makes me laugh out loud, so I thought I'd give her a shout out. Check it out at Seriously? I Mean Really. 

Ready for a New Week

I had a quiet weekend, so I got a lot of things done around the apt. I filed, sorted and recycled a lot of paper, painted my finger- and toenails, and played on my Wii. It makes exercising so much easier and fun. I'm now down a total of 14 lbs. from where I started. And the upcoming family cruise is a good motivator.

My dad has graciously offered to take us on a Caribbean cruise. We leave on March 15th from Galveston, then on to Cozumel, Grand Cayman and Jamaica. Wee! Although the thought of putting on a bathsuit is a bit frightening, it does keep me focused on my diet and exercise.

I've been trying to keep busy so as not to ruminate too much on things, and I have dinner with some girlfriends scheduled tomorrow night to take advantage of NYC's Restaurant Week. On Wednesday, I actually had four offers for drinks/dinners! Crazy. The winner is my niece Paige, who will be coming up for a special mom-daughter trip with my sister Steph that day.

25 Random Things

I received this meme through Facebook and decided to leverage the content for my blog as well.

1. I was born in NYC, although we left when I was 18 months or so. I moved back here in 2007.
2. I moved around a lot as a kid. The list of where I was raised is: NYC, Dallas, Cincinnati, St. Louis, Dallas, Midland, Houston then off to college.
3. My hazel eyes are usually mostly brown but turn bright green when I cry or my eyes are irritated.
4. I've been coloring my hair for the past 15 years. Currently, it's blonde.
5. I love to sing and perform. My biggest audience was over 8,000 when I sang the National Anthem at a Race for the Cure event in Plano, TX.
6. I am the middle child of three girls.
7. I am the proud auntie of 5 adorable, intelligent and loving kids: Anna (7), Colin (5), Paige (5), Graham (5) and Evelyn (1.5)
8. I've survived countless bad relationships and 2 divorces.
9. I have played the violin, clarinet and piano, although I currently just play my iPod.
10. I used to be near-sighted but had Lasik when I turned 30.
11. I used to own (and ride) a sports-bike, a Suzuki SV 650.
12. I'm not a morning person.
13. When I was 6, I had an operation to repair a hernia.
14. My degree is in health education, although I have taken it into a very different direction than I originally thought.
15. I always thought I would be a stay-at-home mom.
16. I still hope to have kids of my own.
17. I drink more English tea than coffee.
18. I really enjoy good food with good wine, and even better if there's someone to share it with.
19. I'm generally an extrovert and can talk to just about anyone.
20. I enjoy my alone time, too.
21. I prefer savory foods to sweet ones.
22. I've struggled with my weight, but it's currently headed in the right direction.
23. I've completed 2 adventure races and 2 triathlons with the encouragement & support of my big sister Jennifer.
24. I haven't figured out what I want to be when I grow up yet.
25. With the encouragement of friends, I've been writing a book and finding it to be quite a challenge! (It may turn out to be more of a pamphlet!)

WTF?

In my break-up conversation with FWB, we agreed to be friends. I figured that meant some time of silence, to heal and distance ourselves from what was, before resuming contact.

I got one and a half days of silence.

Since then it's been text messages and emails, comments on Facebook and phone calls. I've responded to some, but it's really bothering me. Of course, they are only friendly. But part of what sucks about this is that he decided not to be in a relationship with me. He said he couldn't give me what I want (time, appreciation). That's a bit of a blow to hear, no matter what. I guess he honestly didn't have any feelings for me other than friendship (anyone remember "he's just not that into you"?), so for him it's no big deal.

Snow

It's snowing today, and I'm at home to enjoy it (off for the MLK holiday). 

I ran some errands earlier and walked around in it. I'm still fascinated by the snow. It's so light, it floats down to earth, sometimes floating sideways before turning back downwards. How it muffles the sounds of the city, and how it makes everything look clean and new.

Two songs came to my mind. The first is from "The Sound of Music:"

"...snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes,

silver white winters that turn into spring,

these are a few of my favorite things."

And in choir, we are practicing some of our most challenging songs yet. Our choir director chose one song just for the women called "The Snow:" (it's in a minor key and hauntingly beautiful)

"O snow, which sinks so light,

Brown earth is hid from sight,

O soul, be thou as white,

As white, be thou as white as snow.

O snow, which falls so slow,

Dear earth quite warm below;

O heart, so keep thy glow

Beneath the snow.

O snow, thou art white no more,

Thy sparkling too, is over.

O soul, be as before,

Was bright, be as before

Was bright the snow.

Then as the snow all pure, all pure

O heart be, but endure;

Through all the years full sure,

Not as the snow, not as the snow."

When One Door Closes...

I decided to end it with FWB. I realized during this week of emotional ups and downs that several of my needs weren't being met in this relationship. Although we had scheduled time to meet a couple times, he cancelled, so I finally just called him on the phone.

First we talked about the incident with my big mouth. In retrospect, it wasn't a huge thing that I said. I took responsibility for it but also told him I shouldn't be treated like a pariah for one small mistake. Then I told him I've been thinking about our relationship and that it's not working for me. It's always been about him: how he's feeling, if he's available, he needs to take things slow. What about my needs? I told him he never compliments me and that I feel like I'm just "convenient" for him. I told him I want to be adored, I want someone who wants to spend time with me. After initially being defensive and saying if I had enough self-confidence I wouldn't need compliments, he agreed that he's been selfish, but he needs to just focus on him now. He also admitted he can't do what I need, so we agreed to just be friends. I told him I need to look out for me, just like he's looking out for himself.

It was a pretty good conversation. Neither one of us raised our voices, and I think we both got a chance to share our point of view. I'm a little sad that I won't be seeing him as much, but I also feel good that I stood up for my self and admitted I deserve more.

Interesting Tidbits

Alright, enough of the drama. Here's some other interesting things that I've done or seen this week.

On Monday and half of Tuesday, I was in Washington, D.C. for work. The city was getting ready for Obama's inauguration this coming Tuesday, and one of the funniest things was the WALL of port-a-potties along the Mall. There were hundreds of them!

From there, I flew to Chicago, also for work, and of course, where Obama recently departed. They are so proud that "one of their own" is going to be leading the country.

Of course, Chicago is a cold city in the winter, and while I was there, a new storm system blew in bringing with it lots of snow and the coldest air Chicago has seen in more than a decade. I was glad to leave, even though my flight was delayed a few hours. I had to get back to NYC before the storm hit here.

So today, the Weather Channel is telling me that while it's 12*F out there, it feels like -3*F with the wind chill. Brr!!! I'm thankful for my "puffy coat," which is filled with down and keeps me quite warm. Boots, gloves, hat and scarf complete the outfit, and the coldest part of me is my face.

Last night, I had a wonderful dinner with two dear friends -- former coworkers who have become great friends. It doesn't hurt that they are both attractive men who shower me with compliments either! It does the soul good. (And before you get any great ideas, they are both married with beautiful families.) One of them has a potential suitor for me, and I think I'm going to take him up on the offer to meet. Why not? FWB has definitely pulled back. I haven't seen him since last Saturday, before this whole thing, and when I asked about this weekend, he was noncommittal but mentioned plans with friends.

You know how they say things happen in three's? Three of my girlfriends are pregnant, all due between May and July. So far, I've learned two of them are expecting girls, and I'm gearing up to make them all quilts. That should keep me busy!

Like Tupperware

Sometimes when it rains it pours. It's tough when you've got stresses going on in both work and personal, but there's nothing really to do but muddle through it the best you can.

I'm touched and grateful for all the recent comments and off-site emails I've received during the drama of the past few days. It's very helpful to me to get outside perspectives, like seeing an issue through different lenses.

I'm still not sure how this will end, or if this is the beginning of "The End," but I know I'm resilient, like tupperware. I've survived my share of heartaches and heartbreaks, and I know I will get through this. It just sucks to be in the middle of it.

FWB still calls me like usual. Most of our "relationship" is over the phone. If nothing else, I hope we can always be friends. To be honest, I'm not sure what I want this to be. I haven't  decided if I want to make a Commitment to him, but I didn't (and don't) want it to end abruptly for something stupid I did. 

We'll See...

He said he needed time to cool down. He accepted my apology but admitted it makes him pull back. He's been so scarred from a past relationship that he's been very reticent to trust anyone, and we've been taking this whole thing so slowly, I don't know if we can go any slower without coming to a complete stop.

So we'll see. Time will tell if he truly forgives me and can get past this or if there will be an unbalance to the relationship.

Stay Tuned

Thanks to all of you for your thoughtful and supportive comments.

Last night, he was so angry he couldn't [or wouldn't] speak to me. But this morning, he called me and told me to let him know when my plane landed, like we usually do. (I'm travelling for the next several days.) He asked to talk later tonight, which may not happen tonight due to a long evening here with work. But at least he'll talk to me.