Beginnings & Endings

As I landed in Newark last night and saw the new moon, I was reminded of my Nana's saying "turn your pennies over" when she would see a new moon. I'm not sure exactly what she meant by that, but I've always taken it to mean it's a new beginning. Time to prepare for looking forward.

Feeling philosophical, I'm realizing that life is really full of beginnings and endings. Vacations, holidays, trips, birth and death, relationships. The beginnings are often much more anticipated and enjoyed than the endings, but without endings, we couldn't have new beginnings.

My holiday trip to Texas was so enjoyable, but it was so difficult to say goodbye to everyone. I got especially choked up driving out of Dallas. I was able to meet my girlfriends for our annual lunch and then took the opportunity to empty the storage unit I had there. I had a sense of finality doing that. If I move back to Texas, I don't think it would be to Dallas (more likely Austin). It was a relief to cross the storage unit off my list of to-do's, but I was sad to admit to my girlfriends that I've truly moved on.

Every time I say goodbye to my great aunt Sudie, I wonder if it's the last time I will see her. I don't mean to be morbid, but she is 93 (94 in January) and her body is becoming frail.

When I left Austin, Anna clung to me, sobbing "Don't go! Don't go!" It breaks my heart.

Unfortunately, I didn't take many pictures on my trip. I was truly enjoying my time with everyone and forgot to pull the camera out to document it all. I have a few I'll post later.

And now we look forward to a new year. What will 2009 bring?

Christmas Past

Merry Christmas!

This picture was taken in 1977 or 1978 when we lived in Cincinnati. This year, I'm spending Christmas day with Jennifer and will be with Stephanie the day after.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas!

How old are you?

Trying to see as many loved ones as I can while I'm in Texas. I saw my Grandma and my great aunt Sudie, my aunt & uncle and their kids, and got the opportunity to have lunch with my closest girlfriends. I've gotten more hugs in the past couple days than I have in a month! It's great.

A funny story about my aunt Sudie, who despite struggling with increasingly fragile health this year will turn 94 in January. We had a rare opportunity for a private conversation while my more vociferous Grandma was on the phone in the other room.

Sudie said, wistfully, "I always wished you had had a baby. I think that you would have had a beautiful baby."

I said, "Well, I haven't completely given up hope yet, Sudie!" with a chuckle.

"How old are you?" She inquired.

"36." To which she inhaled her breath with her lips pursed in a disparaging way.

"Don't wait too long. Don't wait until you're 40."

[Like I'm consciously choosing to wait to have kids. I've wanted to have kids as long as I can remember but life hasn't exactly worked out the way I planned.]

It's funny I'm being told I'm too old by almost-94-year-old aunt!

Awesome

He told me last night that I'm awesome.

:-)

He had tickets to a band I'd never heard of and was hoping a coworker would go with him to the show. The coworker backed out at the last minute, and I offered to meet him. It was snowing and cold yesterday, and I was already at home, so he told me to just stay home where it was warm. But he said the fact that I would offer to meet him and go see a band I didn't know was indicative of how "awesome" I am. "I know you would [come out and meet me] because you're awesome like that. You're really awesome, Emily."

I have a hard time accepting compliments, but that made me smile (and say Thank You, of course).

Mixed Up

It's Monday, which means I only have four days to work until I leave for the holidays and visiting family and friends. I'm excited to be taking a break and to get to see those who I love so much, but I can't believe it's here so soon! With Thanksgiving being so late this year, I feel like I have not had enough time to prepare for Christmas. I still have a couple gifts left to purchase/create, and although I bought Christmas cards this weekend, I haven't opened the box yet to begin addressing them.

On Friday, I finally got to meet some of FWB's friends. We went out in Jersey to a bar where his friend was playing in the band. FWB was invited to perform with them for one song, and he was great! I was so proud. He told me afterwards that his friends liked me and said I was "adorable." [I know it's a positive word, but it kinda makes me want to gag.]

On Saturday night, he went with me to a party thrown by a client of mine. He did great, talking to these people he doesn't know, and I was impressed again. I tried to tell him so on the way back to the city, but he pulled back again, explaining again how he's not ready for anything serious. All I wanted to say was that I like how it is right now. It's not like I'm wanting him to move in! I got kinda choked up. I feel like every time I try to tell him I like him (not LOVE), he pulls back and it makes me feel unwanted, left in the cold. So I'm trying not to like him too much, because I think he has a greater chance of hurting me than I do of hurting him.

I feel a bit beat up today. Physically and emotionally. On Friday, I fell down his apartment stairs on the way to meet his friends, and my ankle is still killing me, plus today I woke up with a cold.

Mom's Holiday Gift Weekend

This week totally got away from me. Between travelling, dealing with a bout of food poisoning, and holiday parties, I just didn't find the time to blog!

Here are some pictures from my mom's visit last weekend. Our family draws names for gifts, and my mom was my giftee this year. She wanted to go to the Rockette's, and my dad and I also conspired to get tickets to Gypsy on Broadway. It was a fun-filled weekend.

She arrived Thursday night and successfully navigated the trains from Newark to the World Trade Center station. My apartment is just a couple blocks from there, and I met her at the station. On Friday, I had to work, so after some brief instruction and a MetroCard, she headed up to Rockefeller Center on her own and found her way back again to meet me for lunch. That night we saw Gypsy, and Patti Lupone was absolutely fantastic. We stuck around afterwards and got her to sign our Playbills! (The back of my mom's blonde head is in the picture with Patti Lupone.)

On Saturday, after walking around the holiday booths at Union Square and brunch with a couple of my friends, we saw the matinee show of the Rockettes. They were terrific. My favorite part was when they acted out the complete nativity story with animals and singing and dancing. The scale of the production is unbelievable.

Then we walked up and down 5th Avenue enjoying the decorations and battling the crazy crowds, all the while trying to stay warm! We met up with another friend of mine for some hot chocolate and then headed back downtown to meet FWB for dinner. (He passed the mom inspection!)

On Sunday, my choir performed at church, and once we got home and out of the incredible cold, we decided to stay indoors! We had dinner that night with an old friend of mine from college who was in town for business. The next morning, we each headed to separate airports!

It was a lovely weekend and kicked off the holiday time for each of us, I think.

FWB Update

My mom was in town last weekend, and I'll post about that soon. But since I'm in Chicago and can't post accompanying pictures, I thought I'd give my loyal readers an update on Friend-with-Benefits.

Throughout my week in Austin, over Thanksgiving, FWB called me everyday, at least once. My sister Jenn remarked, "He is SO your boyfriend." But I know he doesn't consider himself that.

I told him that I was going to go out with other guys, if I got any offers. Not directly in response to that, but soon after, he invited me to go with him for a day trip to Atlantic City. He knew I'd never been, and while I'm not as interested in gambling as he is, he also knew I would be intrigued by their spa.

After I returned from Austin, we drove to "AC," as I was told they call it. He entered a poker tournament and I explored. I had a lovely massage at the spa and tried out the jacuzzi and steam room. I met him for a late lunch (he got knocked out of the tournament), and he taught me how to play 3-card poker. It was fun. I kept even, and he won a couple hundred.

The next day, I wrote him a quick email, thanking him for the adventure. He said, (and I quote), "I really like where this is heading, Emily."

What?! WHERE is this heading? I don't know. For now, I just take it day by day.

Funnies with A&C

Spending time with my niece Anna and my nephew Colin always brings me many reasons to smile. Anna amazes me with her intelligence, and Colin is such a comedian.

Below, you can see some of the pictures from last week. Anna and her friend Ruby decided to put underwear on their heads and tights on their arms. They came out of her room giggling.

Colin wanted to be Spiderman in the hallway and started to crawl up it. I gave him a boost and he beamed, although he admitted it was a tiny bit scary.

I took the kids to Waco for a surprise visit to Grandma & Sudie. I heard "Are we there yet?" way too many times, but I also heard Colin entertaining himself with a little rhyme:

"Anna takes off her head, Colin takes off his feet. Anna can't think, Colin can't walk!
Anna takes off her bum, Colin takes off his ears. Anna can't poop, Colin can't hear!
Anna takes off her mouth, Colin takes off his penis. Anna can't eat, Colin can't pee!"

And on and on. I was silently cracking up in the front seat while he kept going through different scenarios.

Fun Pictures from Thanksgiving

Feeling Loved

When I arrived in Austin on Sunday, my sister was waiting at the airport with both my niece and nephew. It's a bit of a drive to the airport, and sometimes they don't want to go all that way. So it meant a lot that they were both there to greet me. Anna and Colin were jumping up and down as soon as they saw me, and as I knelt down to hug them, I was almost pushed over from their enthusiastic greeting.

I'm getting a bit spoiled by the attention. Every morning, I get fresh hugs and kisses, and when I get home from my company's Austin office, again they run and hug on me. Lots of lovin's. It's great!

Vulnerable

I got a call on Saturday from my bank's Fraud Department. [Cue suspenseful music] It seems my debit card was compromised, and with two transactions, the thief pretty much wiped out my account. I'm very glad that the bank was on top of it and quickly noticed the out-of-the-ordinary activity and froze my card, but I also feel so angry and vulnerable.

I've learned the hard way how to manage my funds, and one of the ways I stay away from credit card debt is to use the debit card. It's so convenient...until something like this happens.

I'm not sure how the card got compromised, but it certainly threw a wrench in my plans for the weekend. Fortunately, I had taken out some cash the night before in preparation for this week's travel, so I'm now using that sparingly until I get a new debit card and the stolen money gets replaced, which may take several weeks. I know this happens often and everyone is vulnerable to such a theft, but it doesn't make it any more pleasant.

It's Friday and Sunny and I'm Looking Ahead

I was supposed to have a date tonight with FWB. He called me this morning to cancel. Bummer.

But I'm so focused on next week, I'm not giving him too much thought. On Sunday, I fly to Austin to spend the week there. Fortunately, my company allows us to work from other offices, so I will meet my Austin colleagues and spend some time in their offices Monday-Wednesday. It's a great option because I'm avoiding travelling on the busiest travel days of the year AND I get to spend the evenings with my sister Jenn and her family. Plus, I don't have to take vacation days to do it.

Unlike last year, when several of my NY friends and colleagues wondered from my frequent visits to Texas if I truly lived here or there, this year I haven't been travelling home as much, mostly due to the rising costs of airfare. And of course, the NYers don't understand that Texas is a big place, and I have people to visit in Dallas, Houston, Austin and Waco. Unfortunately, the place that sees the least of me is Dallas. I have some terrific friends there, but my family is in the other cities.

And of course, when you travel, you don't want to be on the road the whole time. You want to spend quality time with people you miss and love. For Thanksgiving, I'm focused just on Austin. My parents will come in for Thanksgiving, and I'm hoping to meet up with a couple friends there for drinks or lunch. I'm also planning on packing my suitcase with all the food items I can't find up here to bring a little taste of Texas back with me.

Impetuousness vs. Caution

Nothing new to report on the dating scene. [sigh] Every few weeks, I feel the need to have a "where are we" discussion with FWB, but nothing's really changed. He did say he "adores me." While that was wonderful to hear, it was still in a friendly sort of way.

I asked him what he thought about me dating other people. He said he wouldn't ask me not to, that he couldn't ask me to wait for him because he didn't know when (or if?) things would change for him, for him to be ready to take it to the next level, so to speak.

I don't really want to see other people, but I'm thinking maybe that will help me maintain some distance from FWB. But I feel a little guilty about it, even though I asked him about it.

I know I have a tendency to throw myself into things. Sometimes this doesn't work so well: my past marriages being obvious examples. Moving to NYC is another example in a non-romantic way. It's been much more difficult than I thought it would be, and I'm not sure I totally thought it completely through before acting. But it's also been good in many ways. I've definitely grown personally, and professionally it's been very positive. I recognize that I make decisions quickly, and I also know that it doesn't always work out well. But that's me. I can admire others' more thorough processes, and although it does sometimes make me impatient, in matters of the heart, being cautious may protect them from getting hurt. I'm usually willing to jump in with both feet, putting my heart out there, and on more than one occasion, I've been devastated by the results. But somehow I still believe in the possibility of love, and feel that it's worth the risk. Guess I'm a romantic!

Warmth & Cold

Forget fall. Winter has come in with a vengeance. Since Sunday, it's been significantly colder with bone-chilling winds. My skin is suffering the consequences, and I can't seem to get enough moisturizer. I've been bundling up with multiple layers -- for instance today I'm wearing a turtleneck under a trench, and to go outside I add my coat, scarf, gloves and hat. Sometimes I consider a ski-mask. The wind chaps my face and makes my eyes water. But one of the things I love is the combination of warmth and cold, like enjoying a cup of hot coffee, wrapping my hands around the cup to enjoy the heat, or snuggling in for the night under piles of blankets. My cat Sabrina comes up to my shoulder and sniffs and digs in the blanket. I lift it up for her to climb in. She goes under, then turns around so her head is out with mine, slamming her body up against me, effectively spooning with me. Then I can put the covers back down and snuggle with her. She doesn't stay that way all night, but I enjoy feeling her purr beside me.

Quiet Weekend

Yesterday started off normal enough. I got my apartment cleaned up and headed out to my favorite Mexican dive in the West Village for fish tacos. They make really good fish tacos, and although you have to buy chips & salsa (not free like it is in Texas), it has a really nice flavor.

Leaving there, I walked East towards the Village and to Broadway, looking to get some Christmas shopping done when I started feeling ill. I quickly curbed the shopping for a subway home, and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening on the couch. I don't know if I had a virus or if it was something I ate (too soon for the fish tacos, but maybe something from yesterday?), but since the sky opened up and poured rain, it was good to be safely inside. Sabrina (my cat) warily watched the windows as the storm played out, and she kept me company on the couch as I watched my Netflix.

Yesterday was 65* and muggy with humidity, and today has begun bright and sunshine-y. It's so clear, I can see way into Jersey. I checked the weather, and it's also very cold! Being up 30 floors, I never really have to turn my heat on. But I've learned not to be deceived by the beautiful looking weather. That storm brought through colder air, and the high today is only 50. I'm not complaining...I'm still enjoying the change in weather after so many years of mostly summer in Texas.

I'm (thankfully) feeling better, so I'm off to church and then hope to get that shopping done that I started yesterday.

Good Signs

The scale has been kind lately. I don't weigh myself often -- sometimes not even each week -- but I'm tracking my progress, and thankfully, the progress is going in a downward trend! I'm happy to report I've now lost 6 pounds. While it's slow progress, I'm doing it in a way that will be easy to maintain and will [hopefully] result in permanent weight loss.

In addition to the scale, last week I had to take a belt to a shoe repair shop to get a new hole punched in it. It just wasn't tight enough! :-)

And I found a pair of corduroy slacks in my closet -- funny how things can just disappear in there and you don't look at them for months -- and was going to put them in the donation bag I have because they are a size lower than what I'm currently wearing. It's so disheartening to try those old sizes on and realize again that you're no longer that size. But I guess I was feeling brave and decided to give them a last go before I put them in the donation pile. THEY FIT! So exciting. I've worn them twice since then.

Texas on my Mind

I'm wearing my fancy cowboy (cowgirl?) boots today. They are black with silver trim. My mom and I bought them in El Paso for me to wear to an audition for Opryland. While the audition wasn't a success, I was proud that they didn't cut me off as quickly as some of the singers and let me finish the first verse. I figured it couldn't have been too bad.

On the subway tonight, a guy got on wearing a hat with the emblem from my college alma mater, Texas A and M. (Can't find the ampersand on this stupid blackberry) I gave him the thumbs-up Gig Em sign and he asked when I graduated. Then he said something about their football team not being so great this year. I shrugged. I haven't watched a college game in years. I don't watch much football at all anymore. In Texas, football is king, and although it's annoying that so much of the school funding goes to support the football program, I have fond memories of Friday night games throughout high school and college games on Saturdays after Friday night Yell Practice. It was fun to have that school spirit and feel like a part of something bigger than myself.

Dating or Not Dating?

As you smart commenters noted the last time I wrote about my friend-with-benefits, it seems we are dating, whether we call it that or not.

I finally admitted to FWB that I broke the rule (about being honest if we develop feelings so we could stop the benefits and remain friends). I started having feelings but was afraid to say anything because I didn't want to lose what we had. But, eventually, I realized it wasn't enough, and I had to take the risk of admitting my feelings. The conversation went well enough, and he admitted he's thought about feelings, too, but nothing's really changed. He stills calls me every day (HE calls ME), but I only see him about once a week. He's still maintaining his distance emotionally, too.

In many ways, this relationship is different than any previous. We laugh a lot, and I truly value our friendship and feel we can talk about anything. But it's also different in that usually when I've started dating someone, we want to spend all our free time together. Maybe it's good that we're taking it slowly, but I also worry that maybe "he's just not that into me," as the book says. Of course, I've asked him about that, and he denies that's the case.

I'm trying to just go with the flow, but I wish I got to see him more to see if this is really going anywhere or not.

Images of New York

I've been enjoying a quiet weekend after three weekends of visitors and travel. Last weekend, I joined a visitor on a double-decker bus tour of the city. It was cold (hence the hat, scarf and bundled up coat) but it was nice to see the sights and hear all the history from the tour guide.

Gems from the Farmers Market