Nothing new to report on the dating scene. [sigh] Every few weeks, I feel the need to have a "where are we" discussion with FWB, but nothing's really changed. He did say he "adores me." While that was wonderful to hear, it was still in a friendly sort of way.
I asked him what he thought about me dating other people. He said he wouldn't ask me not to, that he couldn't ask me to wait for him because he didn't know when (or if?) things would change for him, for him to be ready to take it to the next level, so to speak.
I don't really want to see other people, but I'm thinking maybe that will help me maintain some distance from FWB. But I feel a little guilty about it, even though I asked him about it.
I know I have a tendency to throw myself into things. Sometimes this doesn't work so well: my past marriages being obvious examples. Moving to NYC is another example in a non-romantic way. It's been much more difficult than I thought it would be, and I'm not sure I totally thought it completely through before acting. But it's also been good in many ways. I've definitely grown personally, and professionally it's been very positive. I recognize that I make decisions quickly, and I also know that it doesn't always work out well. But that's me. I can admire others' more thorough processes, and although it does sometimes make me impatient, in matters of the heart, being cautious may protect them from getting hurt. I'm usually willing to jump in with both feet, putting my heart out there, and on more than one occasion, I've been devastated by the results. But somehow I still believe in the possibility of love, and feel that it's worth the risk. Guess I'm a romantic!
5 comments:
Hi Emily
I'm kind of in a similar situation and I think dating other people is the only answer even if you only want to be with him. It stops you from overthinking and who knows maybe you might even meet someone fabulous and you'll be like 'friends with benefits who?!'
Well thats what I'm hoping anyway!
IP
Thanks, IP! Maybe you're right, and at least it's fun in the meantime.
Hi Emily...
I don't know if I've posted before, but I got to lurking via Fish a while back. I'm drawn in by NYC and the 30 singleton connection. I was in NYC w/ friends last May and have wondered ever since if I missed a life turn to NYC living. Still weighing my options on that one. But, I've done a couple rounds of FWB. And while you never know, different people, different endings. In my experience, and my vicarious experience through a pretty extensive circle of girlfriends, men commit when they want to. And men that adore us as much as we deserve to be adored, don't let us date other people. Many apologies for the abruptness of my thoughts on the matter. It comes from a good place - my own lessons of giving FWB too much time to come to his senses. He didn't. I'd be okay with that if I could just cut the time it took to learn the lesson to 1/3 of the actual time invested.
Being single in your upper 30's (where I'm at) isn't a dream. So, I'd still allow "casual" in my life. Heck - give me a few more dull months and I might make several more concessions! :) I just won't ever call off the search again until I find the one right for me, that reciprocates the commitment I'm willing to give him. And if they aren't committed to me, I certainly won't offer it unsolicited in return (at least I won't do that, ever again). So long as it works for you, enjoy it. There's just more potential for regret when you view it in hindsight if you don't keep your options (and your heart) open. At least, speaking for myself, and the lessons I got out of my experience.
Sorry - not short in my words. I think I need to start blogging! :)
I hope it all works out for you!
Traci
Leaving aside the question of kids, what's your hurry? Perhaps your impetuousness stems from being in love with the idea of love rather than seeing the other person clearly. Inventing people (rather than seeing them clearly) is a recipe for disappointment and ultimately disaster.
Your query to FWB was an indirect way of taking his temperature, not one borne out of any real dating alternatives (at least of which you have let on). It doesn't sound like he's playing games. In fact he sounds pretty honorable even if it is not what you wish to hear.
Traci N -- Thanks for your advice. I agree! (And I'm in my "upper thirties" now, too. It doesn't get easier, does it?)
Jman -- Yes, he is honorable. One of the things I like about him.
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