Apologies

I feel like I've been doing that a lot lately -- apologizing -- I'm just stretched too thin.

It's not that I've abandoned my blog or am too depressed to write. I'm just overworked, and since I work online, specifically with social media, the last thing I want to do when I'm done after an especially long day is get on the computer at home and blog.

I do have random thoughts of brilliant blog posts at times when I don't have computer access...like while I'm on a plane or in a bathtub...but then I land and rush off to a meeting or get out of the tub and crash into a deep sleep.

So, apologies for ignoring you, dear readers. I am grateful that you read and comment.

This month, I have a total of five trips for work before Thanksgiving. And in between, I'm still expected to keep up with an abundance of email and other work deliverables. Some of that is getting done. Some of it is barely getting done, and I'm sure I've forgotten things that I'm supposed to be doing. It's nice to feel needed, but I have a difficult time saying "no" to colleagues I like and respect. I also want to do a good job on things. But lately, it's not my best work. [sigh]

I'm still struggling with the concept of balance. I know it's impossible all the time, but I also know I need to firmly stick to my boundaries and take care of myself.

A Few Halloween Pics

It's already late in the evening, and I still have to pack for a business trip, so apologies for just pics!

Pondering

Have you ever had the feeling you're not doing what you're "meant" to be doing? I get that feeling often, and have for many years.

Although I purposefully don't talk about my work here, it's a good job. I'm good at it, but I'm not fulfilled by it like some of my colleagues. I envy them their passion. But I take pride in doing a good job, so I do.

But sometimes I wonder...should I be doing something different? Could I make more of a difference in the world doing something else?

I don't know what this other thing would be, and I believe things happen in life for a reason, so I try to make the most of where I am right now.

Making a Difference

This past weekend I was at part two of Discovery, which I wrote about a month ago (What a difference 3 days makes). My heart is so full of love, and I have an amazing group of friends from my class.

Our class motto is "we play hard," and boy, did we! On Saturday, we had a dance and costume party. As you may know if you've been reading for awhile, I LOVE costumes and Halloween! I think it's because I loved dress-up as a child, and now, as an adult, I can really indulge myself and go all out on my costume. I decided to do Lady Gaga, and let me just say, I didn't hold anything back! I got the blonde wig, the sequined dress, the fishnet stockings, the ultra-pink lipstick, silver eyeshadow, and outrageous eyelashes with rhinestones. Several of my friends didn't recognize me! I loved it. (I don't have pictures yet but will share when I do!)

I was worn out today and was wishing I had taken the day off or could call in sick, but I got up and went to work. I'm so glad I did... You know how it's said everything happens for a reason? I needed to be there today. Someone at work needed me, and I was able to be there for her and share some of the lessons I just learned. It was an amazing day for me because I feel like I really made a difference. It doesn't get much better than that.

My Absence from the Blogosphere Explained

So...I haven't been much of a blogger lately. Partially, that's because I've been too busy and too exhausted to post. But I've also been rethinking the blog.

I recently read the book The Secret. It's hardly new, so you may be familiar with the concept. It's based on the law of attraction, and that we attract to us what we focus on. So if you focus on lack, you get more of that. If you focus on abundance, you get more of that. And the trick is to think about the things you want as if you already have them -- from a place of gratitude.

There's a chapter in the book that talks about relationships and relays the story about a woman who really felt ready for a relationship in her life. And when she read The Secret, she realized she literally didn't have ROOM in her life for a relationship -- all her closets were overfull! So she cleaned them out, and...

As I was reading that, I thought -- initially -- well, that's not me! In my new apartment, I have more than enough closet space and several that aren't full.

And then the chapter went on to say, "when you want to attract something into your life, make sure your actions don't contradict your desires." It hit me like a ton of bricks. My blog is/was -- I changed it that night -- "life of a thirty-something singleton." I am literally defining myself as a singleton! And, although I've had fun, this is not want I ultimately want.

Which leaves me wondering...what to do? I know my blog hasn't been super interesting of late to those who were hoping for disastrous-but-entertaining dating stories. I've mostly been healing my latest broken heart with niece & nephew time. But I'm not sure I want to return to disastrous-but-entertaining. I want so much more than that. I'm READY for so much more than that. And so, I'm debating about what to do with the blog. Do I just redesign/rename/refocus? Or do I start new somewhere else?

How to Look Happy

I got to spend most of my weekend with my happy-go-lucky niece Anna. She really is a ray of sunshine, and she was absolutely delighted to get to go to a rodeo event with me. (Some friends of mine were putting on a roping event.)

At the end of the night, one of my friends even let Anna ride his horse. She of course was on cloud nine!

How to Look Mean

I tried to post this days ago...but I've been having technical difficulties. So frustrating.

Recently after a lovely dinner at my sister's house, my nephew Colin started explaining to us how he gives "mean" looks:

Then he went into more detail:

It makes me smile!

"All I want is to be happy being who I am..."

A couple weeks ago, I watched an incredible movie. I've always been moved by music, and this foreign film's plot revolves around the role music can play in our lives. It's a Swedish film called "As It is in Heaven" and the climactic song is "Gabriella's Song." I've been singing the English translation to the music and wish I could record it for the English-speaking world. Here are the translated lyrics, but I encourage you to watch the clip of the film on YouTube, linked below:

It is now that my life is mine.
I've got this short time on earth
And my longing has brought me here
All I lacked and all I gained
And yet it's the way that I chose
My trust was far beyond words
That has shown me a little glimpse
Of the heaven I've never found.

I want to feel I'm alive
All my living days
I will live as I desire
I want to feel I'm alive
Knowing I was good enough

I have never lost who I was
I have only left it sleeping
Maybe I never had a choice
Just the will to stay alive

All I want is to be happy
Being who I am
To be strong and to be free
To see day arise from night
I am here and my life is only mine
And the heaven I thought was there
I'll discover it here somewhere
I want to feel that I've lived my life!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxmgkxRrpZE

What a Difference 3 Days Makes

I had the most incredible weekend. I attended Discovery! -- a three-day personal growth seminar that a new, dear friend told me about.

Besides making 35 wonderful new friends, many of whom are in the Austin area, I have a new lease on life. I feel truly blessed and hopeful about my future, secure in knowing who I am. I can't wait to share the new me with the world!

My class included people of all ages -- one of whom I learned as I friended him on Facebook was born the year I graduated high school! Ha! I got a good laugh out of that. But it feels like he's a younger brother, and I'm looking forward to seeing him and his sisters this weekend at a rodeo event he's participating in.

Lots of good things to come. I can just feel it!

A Catch-Up Post

I know, I know...sorry for my absence from the blogosphere. I've been keeping busy, both at work and personally, and I've also been avoiding a few blog stalkers. But as commenters may have noticed, I'm now moderating comments, and I've taken other steps to protect myself as well.

So what have I been up to? Let me start with last weekend...

I had a date on Friday night with a really cute, young guy who makes me laugh and is very affectionate. We even had a sleepover! (Relax, it's my 7-year-old nephew Colin.) His older sister Anna had gotten to spend a one-on-one evening with me a few weeks ago, and last weekend it was "finally" Colin's turn. We had a nice evening, and I enjoyed the way he talks and phrases things. He asked me lots of questions he'd never asked before, such as "What do you do for work?" And he bragged about his dad to me, almost as if I didn't already know him, and told me all the things his dad could do!

On Saturday, I spent most of my day with Colin, Anna and Jenn, and on Sunday morning, we four competed in an Adventure Race! Anna & I were a team -- Furry Friends -- and Jenn & Colin were the Star-Wars-themed Bounty Hunters. The race encourages participants to wear costumes, and in my opinion, Anna and I had some of the most practical costumes for the event. (Many people just wear them for the costume contest at the beginning and don't wear the costumes throughout.) Anna and I agreed to dress as kitty cats. I shopped around and found some cute lycra tops in a black-and-white stripe, waterproof ears and tails that we wore with black bike shorts. Oh, and then there was the waterproof makeup for our noses and whiskers!

We had a blast, and Anna enjoyed "meowing" at the spectators and race volunteers. And I was pleased that I had trained enough to more than keep up with Anna -- she admitted I was dragging her through portions of the run and hike.

And later on Sunday, Jenn and I attended our weekly Bollywood dance class! It was a fun and love-filled weekend.

Enjoying the Texas Hill Country

I awoke to the sound of rain today. I love that sound. I never really heard storms in NYC, other than occasionally hearing the wind against my high rise apartment window.

I'm also enjoying the sound of my wind chime again. It was banished to the dark space under my couch while I was in NYC when my plans to hang it in the living room were dashed with the concrete in the ceiling. As soon as I unpacked it, I hung it on my patio here in Austin -- it was up before any pictures were on the walls!

And one of my favorite sights is between work and home: a beautiful view of the green hills here in Austin. I found this similar picture online so you all can enjoy it, too:

The Understudy, Part II

Sorry it's been a few days. I haven't felt like writing, and I've been busy with other things.

To finish up my babysitting story, everyone did pretty well, although unfortunately the big kids were late to school on the second day due to the dog getting out and not obeying the command "Come."

Also on day two, Nana and Grandad came home from two months away. The kids were SO glad to see them. Evelyn was so cute, she just held on to them and didn't speak.

They were also ecstatic to see Mom & Dad again on Wednesday.



Graham had a VERY loose front tooth -- the one remaining baby tooth on the top middle -- and Steph encouraged him to wiggle it out of there, and he did! He looks a little like a cute vampire with both top front teeth out, and he has a bit of a lisp, too.

The Understudy

Sunday was my first night "in charge." It was also movie night, the weekly ritual being that the kids can watch a movie while they eat dinner. We watched Annie, and I made the chicken parm with spaghetti, croissants and avocado slices. They ate very well. My favorite part was after they finished eating. We watched the movie all snuggled together. I had bookend twins and Evie climbed on my lap. I loved it!

So today was my first full day. I'll admit I was a little nervous about it all last night and didn't sleep very well thinking about everything I needed to do. Paige & Graham are 7 and nearly self-sufficient in many ways, and Evelyn is 3. But it's still amazing to me how much energy it all takes! Once again, I have a renewed appreciation for my sisters as moms, as well as all the moms out there.

My big accomplishments today were getting three kids to three different schools on time (and without getting lost), picking them each up on time, making a healthy dinner, and getting them to bed on time with minimal distractions. It's 8:30, and I'm ready to go to bed myself!

I think the reward for today was when I tucked Evelyn into bed and she said, "I love you, Auntie Emily. I love you SOOOOO much!" :-)

Go Team!

I drove to Houston Saturday morning, and my sister Steph gave me a run-through of the school drop-off and pick-up. My three nieces and nephew go to three different schools! Fortunately, they are pretty well-timed -- providing traffic cooperates -- so you can drop off the first two, grab a cappucino, and drop off the little one. This morning was the first test, and everyone got to school on time! Yay!

Although I'm not a huge sports fan, it is always fun to experience sporting events live and feel the energy of the players and the crowd. On Saturday night, Steph and her husband took me and the kids to a Texans game. Oh, and we were in a box. It was pretty sweet! To me, the best part was watching the kids watch the game. It was the first time Evelyn (3-yrs) had ever been to a game, and she remarked several times that she was so excited AND that she was so excited to be going with "Auntie Em." :-)

Bonus video!

Happy Faces

One of the big reasons for moving back to Texas was to be closer to my nieces and nephews. I am fortunate to have 5 total -- 2 living in the Austin area and 3 living in Houston.

The 2 here in Austin, Anna & Colin, visited my parents -- their grandparents -- for two weeks this month, and I caught these pictures as the joyfully returned to their parents: (sorry the first one is blurry)


And today, I got the opportunity to visit each of them at their school lunchtime, which is a quick 25-30 minutes. They were both beaming, and I got a couple snapshots. (Colin had to do one silly one in addition to a nice one.)



Tomorrow, I drive to Houston to see the other 3, and I'm going to take care of them for a few days while their parents are travelling! Should be good for some blog stories. :-)

Dinner Date + Sleepover

I have a special visitor tonight: my niece Anna came for a sleepover! We tried out my new grill with teriyaki chicken and vegetables, and she helped me make some rice. At 9-years-old, she's a great helper in the kitchen, although she prefers preparing the meal to cleaning up. :-)

We had a nice conversation during dinner, too. She asked me if it was lonely living by myself and said she couldn't imagine living without her family. I explained that it's a little different once you're an adult, and that there are benefits to living alone.

After dinner, Anna enjoyed a bubble bath. We strategically placed the bubbles so I could take a picture of her reclining in the suds:


She's such a sweet girl, and right in between being a child and being a teenager. It's great to talk to her one-on-one and hear her thoughts about the world around her.

And she told me at least three times tonight, "I'm so glad you live in Austin now." Me, too.

Still Reeling

Thanks for all the supportive comments.

This has really hit me hard. I wish I had seen some warning sign, but there was nothing. Logically, I knew it was all fast, but it was all so good, so easy. He said all the right things -- complimenting me on my appearance almost every day, telling me how proud he was of my professional accomplishments, admiring my singing voice and bragging about me, and he was so sweet and generous with me.

We made plans for the future -- some more detailed than others -- and we talked about a future marriage and children. We discussed everything (or so I thought) and we both admitted that this relationship seemed different than prior ones, that we were honest and mature, able to talk through things. He even told me how our relationship was better than his last one (the one he's gone back to).

I know I must be in denial, but I still can't believe it's all over. My heart aches. I wanted that life we had begun to build, that relationship and the kids. The realization of my dream. I don't know how he can throw it away so easily. I can't seem to.

I do wish I'd never met him. I was doing fine before: I was independent, strong, sure of myself. Now, I feel like I've been knocked sideways. I can't stop thinking about him and missing him and the girls.

I think there were legitimate reasons his last relationship didn't work, and I don't think it will work again. I think it's just a matter of time, and he may come crawling back. I hope I can be strong and protect myself, but right now, I just want it all back.

Oh No

Well, here's your chance to say, "I told you so."

FB came back from his trip -- his annual pilgrimage to Memphis for Elvis week -- where he saw his ex-girlfriend and realized he still has feelings for her. And -- surprise of all surprises -- she wants him back.

He's decided he has to "see this thing through."

Yes, I am a fool for getting sucked in so quickly, for believing his declarations of love and getting attached to his sweet girls. I feel like an idiot, but mostly I'm just devastated and hurt. I really thought we had something good going.

Enjoying Domesticity

One of the benefits of not being in NYC is the more balanced lifestyle. I still have to work hard, but there's so much other things to do and enjoy here in Austin! Of course, I want to do everything, which is impossible. FB has been out of town for awhile, but I've been busy getting settled.

My new big purchases include a washer and dryer and a grill!!! I know, I know, so very exciting. I can now clean clothes any time I want, and I can enjoy the tastiness of grilled food. I missed a grill when I was in NYC.

So here's a few pics of my new adobe!