...try, try, try again. Or so the saying goes.
But sometimes, you really are better off giving up. Or calling it quits.
With two divorces under my belt, I'm afraid that maybe I give up too easily. Or at least it appears that way. To counteract that, sometimes I try too hard to make a bad relationship work. One example of this is my relationship with the Green-Eyed Dutchman.
I wrote last summer about how we met 12 years ago as well as how our relationship changed from friends to more 10 years ago and his visit last May. And then as we were talking about me moving over there, he disappeared on me. But I got sucked back in, after my friend and his friend passed away in November and we shared our grief. I visited GED for New Years and thought maybe it was finally the right time for us.
And then he disappears again. No contact. No replies to my emails or text messages. FOR TWO MONTHS.
I'm angry with him, but more angry with myself. You know, "First time, shame on you. Second time, shame on me." Third time? I'm just an idiot, hopeless romantic.
But I thought maybe this was my chance at Love. And I believed him when he said it would be different.
I did finally hear from him, and we had a brief telephone conversation. He apologized and said his world had gotten busy/stressful/crazy. He asked how I was. I was pleased that I was able to maintain my composure and told him his silence had devastated me but I was over it, moving on. (And I was pleased that this was true, not just words.) I was able to tell him that I wished he had had the balls to tell me how he felt about me, but from his actions, it was perfectly clear how [not] important I was. He denied that his actions reflected his feelings for me, but I reminded him it was him who told me, during my trip there in January, that he was the type of guy that didn't tell his feelings as much as demonstrate them through his actions.
He had called in the middle of my workday. The time zones is always a challenge, so he asked if he could call me on the weekend and explain more fully. That was two weeks ago. Still haven't heard that explanation, not that it matters at this point.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Enjoying the Simple Things
I was in Austin last weekend for my niece Anna's 9th birthday. The weather was glorious. Texas is in full-spring, and the bluebonnets are just beginning to carpet the fields. Some of my favorite moments from the weekend:
- Taking Anna to get her ears pierced. She was nervous about the potential pain but so excited. Fortunately, she found the pain wasn't that bad at all, and she was THRILLED with the results. She picked out some crystal blue flowers in her birthstone as her starter set. They sparkled almost as much as she did. She told me it was the best day of her life and that she wanted to run and shout for joy. (We were in the car at the time, so that exuberance wasn't able to be expressed.) She and I were both laughing, so happy -- she was excited to have braved the experience and at the opportunity to get to wear a new form of jewelry, and I was relieved she didn't have much pain and delighted at her excitement.
- Watching a movie with my nephew Colin on my lap. This is definitely one of my favorite ways to watch movies, with a snuggly little guy. Although Colin is getting very long-legged and not so little anymore. But he was freshly showered and pajama-ed and I could snuggle into his neck and kiss his cheek. During a scary scene in the movie, he picked up my hand and put it on top of his chest.
- Bollywood dance class with Jenn. Several months ago, I saw Jenn and her friend give an impromptu performance at her house after some liquid courage, and it looked like so much fun. I was excited to be able to join her for a class, although with it being my first class and in the middle of their season, I only got about 1/3 of the moves. But it was fun and good exercise.
- Screaming as a "Mandrake" at the Harry-Potter-themed birthday party. Anna's party was all about Harry Potter, and Jenn had planned the activities around the characters and story. We made root beer floats into potions and replanted flowers pretending they were the ear-splitting mandrakes. Several of us adults screamed as the mandrakes. One of the kids said, looking at us like we were crazy, "It's not really the plants, it's just them screaming." But we were laughing, and Anna's face was beaming.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Selfishness Has Its Limits
Last night, in the too-many-moments before I fell asleep, I realized another reason of why I'm ready for a relationship. I'm tired of just considering myself. While I realize there are benefits to being able to be selfish, it does get old. Sure, I get to choose what restaurant to eat at/order from, where I'll go on vacation or how to spend my money all by myself, but sometimes, it would be nice to have another person's opinion and perspective. Maybe I'm not sure WHAT I want to eat, and without inspiration I tend to fall back on the same restaurants or meals that I usually cook.
While a relationship requires compromise and inevitably brings conflict, I find myself a little bored with just me. Just one of those thoughts before dreamland.
While a relationship requires compromise and inevitably brings conflict, I find myself a little bored with just me. Just one of those thoughts before dreamland.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Evasive Action
First, let me thank Catherinette for bringing this BBC news story to my attention.
Upon responding to a domestic violence call, a female officer had to take "evasive action" to get out of the way of the suspect's penis being brandished as a weapon and waved about at her face.
I know guns aren't as commonplace in the UK as they are here, but this just made me laugh!
Upon responding to a domestic violence call, a female officer had to take "evasive action" to get out of the way of the suspect's penis being brandished as a weapon and waved about at her face.
I know guns aren't as commonplace in the UK as they are here, but this just made me laugh!
Friday, March 19, 2010
Escape
[Whenever I see the word "escape" in print, the first thing that goes through my head is Ellen Degeneres's voice from "Finding Nemo" sounding out "Ess-cah-pay." It makes me smile.]
I came across this on the web: Create an Escape Plan
At least I have my upcoming Europe trip with Never Married as a welcome distraction. We leave for Paris, Amsterdam and a day in London at the end of April.
I came across this on the web: Create an Escape Plan
It’s driving you crazy. Quite possibly, it’s having a negative impact on your health. It’s time to escape. But how? You feel like you have no options – no way out. It’s time to sit down and make a list. A list of what you need to do to get out of the situation. A list of what you need to do to make a change.
I'm definitely feeling the itch to escape, and it's getting harder to ignore. I need to make a change, but how much? And am I ready for this? Change is risky, but doing the same thing and expecting different results is insane. I'm thinking through all the options, trying to plan for all contingencies. I hate the uncertainty, the in-between-ness. I much prefer once I've made a decision and am acting on it. But it's too big to make the decision lightly. So I'm making lists. Several items have question marks next to them and require research -- Google and talking to trusted friends and counselors.At least I have my upcoming Europe trip with Never Married as a welcome distraction. We leave for Paris, Amsterdam and a day in London at the end of April.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Not that Kind of Girl
My office is generally business casual, and [nice] jeans are acceptable. I love jeans, so this works really well for me. But yesterday, I had a client presentation, so I wore a black pencil skirt with my black boots and a cardigan. Unfortunately, about an hour before my presentation, I got a run in my hose. Grrr. Hose aren't my favorite thing, but it's still chilly here in NYC and I needed to look presentable. I don't think anyone noticed during my presentation -- it was less noticeable when I was standing and I'm sure they were blown away by my impressive knowledge and speaking abilities. Ha!
Afterward, one woman pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. And her last question was, "How do you get to be a senior vice president in your twenties?" I thanked her and politely corrected her.
Later, in a meeting with some colleagues, I was sitting with my legs crossed and the run in my hose was more obvious. They teased me that maybe I did it on purpose. Can you imagine? No, I told them, I'm not that kind of girl. I'm pretty conservative in my clothes and appearance. It's important to me to look professional. In fact, since I started my career, I've always looked younger and have struggled against people's perceptions that I'm "too young" and don't know what I'm talking about. Most of the time, I love looking younger than late-30-something. But in the workplace, it's not always an asset.
Afterward, one woman pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. And her last question was, "How do you get to be a senior vice president in your twenties?" I thanked her and politely corrected her.
Later, in a meeting with some colleagues, I was sitting with my legs crossed and the run in my hose was more obvious. They teased me that maybe I did it on purpose. Can you imagine? No, I told them, I'm not that kind of girl. I'm pretty conservative in my clothes and appearance. It's important to me to look professional. In fact, since I started my career, I've always looked younger and have struggled against people's perceptions that I'm "too young" and don't know what I'm talking about. Most of the time, I love looking younger than late-30-something. But in the workplace, it's not always an asset.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Flirting is an Art Form
I've been neglecting the blog. Work is crazy as ever (certifiably insane kind of crazy), and I'm in triathlon training mode, going to the gym or the pool every day. And I just haven't felt like blogging much. But I do have a story to share...Jury Duty guy.
We finally found an evening that worked for both of us, and he let me pick the place. I found a nice bar/lounge in Soho not too far from my office. The date was for drinks, but we stayed for several hours and shared some appetizers to keep some sort of check on the blood-alcohol levels. He asked me a lot of questions about myself -- almost to the point where he wasn't doing much talking about himself -- but did sprinkle in several compliments about my appearance and warned me "I'm going to flirt with you." Great, bring it on. I like my share of flirting.
Only, apparently, he doesn't really understand how to flirt, the innuendo and suggestive dialogue. His definition of flirting is decidedly more crass and obvious.
After laying his cards on the table and telling me that he wanted to be completely honest with me that he's not interested in a relationship, he started to "flirt." He asked me things like what position is my favorite, my bra size, and other things which I can't even write. I deflected the questions. It was obvious he's just looking for a good time gal, and while I can be fun to be around, I'm not looking for his type of rendezvous.
He said, "Oh, you're a relationship girl," in such an accusing tone I defended myself and disagreed with him. I'm not afraid to be alone, and steadfastly believe it's better to be on my own than in the wrong relationship (see divorce #1 and #2). I'm not one who is anxiously looking to be married just to be married. But I would like to meet someone and see where it goes, naturally letting it develop into something more, or not, as opposed to having the boundaries of what this could or couldn't be defined on the first date.
So he asked me if I wanted to come over and watch a movie at his place the next night. No thanks. I want more than just a friend-with-benefits, and I deserve to be treated with more respect.
We finally found an evening that worked for both of us, and he let me pick the place. I found a nice bar/lounge in Soho not too far from my office. The date was for drinks, but we stayed for several hours and shared some appetizers to keep some sort of check on the blood-alcohol levels. He asked me a lot of questions about myself -- almost to the point where he wasn't doing much talking about himself -- but did sprinkle in several compliments about my appearance and warned me "I'm going to flirt with you." Great, bring it on. I like my share of flirting.
Only, apparently, he doesn't really understand how to flirt, the innuendo and suggestive dialogue. His definition of flirting is decidedly more crass and obvious.
After laying his cards on the table and telling me that he wanted to be completely honest with me that he's not interested in a relationship, he started to "flirt." He asked me things like what position is my favorite, my bra size, and other things which I can't even write. I deflected the questions. It was obvious he's just looking for a good time gal, and while I can be fun to be around, I'm not looking for his type of rendezvous.
He said, "Oh, you're a relationship girl," in such an accusing tone I defended myself and disagreed with him. I'm not afraid to be alone, and steadfastly believe it's better to be on my own than in the wrong relationship (see divorce #1 and #2). I'm not one who is anxiously looking to be married just to be married. But I would like to meet someone and see where it goes, naturally letting it develop into something more, or not, as opposed to having the boundaries of what this could or couldn't be defined on the first date.
So he asked me if I wanted to come over and watch a movie at his place the next night. No thanks. I want more than just a friend-with-benefits, and I deserve to be treated with more respect.
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Cyber Stalking
Text messaging, Facebook, emails...there are more ways to reach out to people, for good or bad purposes. Fortunately, there are also many ways to block people, but occasionally, some slimy messages get through.
Years ago, my best girlfriends at work and I would go to lunch often. (Ah, the good ol' days when I didn't eat at my desk...) Sometimes, one of the guys -- a married father -- would tag along, laughing at our jokes, but he wasn't really a part of our estrogen-bonded circle. Every now and then, I would get a strange vibe from him, but for the most part, he seemed harmless. A nice, if awkward, guy.
Years passed, and we all moved on to other jobs and other friends. I kept in touch with the girls, and at a lunch get-together, one friend mentioned she had heard from the man, who was getting a divorce. We all commented how that was too bad and the conversation moved on to other topics.
Soon after, the two of us singleton gals started getting emails from the guy. Creepy emails. It seemed he was interested in rekindling the friendship and whatever else might spark. Ew. Neither of us was interested.
Then the Facebook stalking started. He would send friend requests with odd messages of random topics. They sounded like he was picking up in the middle of a conversation. I didn't want to encourage anything and decided to block him on Facebook. And I told the one girl who was in touch with him not to give out my info.
This week, the other singleton in our group -- who is in a committed relationship -- got the strangest email from Creepy Dude. I had to share...it's so bizarre.
The email's subject is "Mole."
And the message says: "lady recently cut my hair. she had a big 'ol mole on her lip. i couldn't help but think of the scene where Austin Powers could not stop looking at the mole's mole."
SO WEIRD! Does he seriously think this is the best way to start up a conversation with someone that he hasn't even exchanged emails with in over a year?
I laughed out loud when I read it, and then thanked my lucky stars it wasn't sent to me!
Years ago, my best girlfriends at work and I would go to lunch often. (Ah, the good ol' days when I didn't eat at my desk...) Sometimes, one of the guys -- a married father -- would tag along, laughing at our jokes, but he wasn't really a part of our estrogen-bonded circle. Every now and then, I would get a strange vibe from him, but for the most part, he seemed harmless. A nice, if awkward, guy.
Years passed, and we all moved on to other jobs and other friends. I kept in touch with the girls, and at a lunch get-together, one friend mentioned she had heard from the man, who was getting a divorce. We all commented how that was too bad and the conversation moved on to other topics.
Soon after, the two of us singleton gals started getting emails from the guy. Creepy emails. It seemed he was interested in rekindling the friendship and whatever else might spark. Ew. Neither of us was interested.
Then the Facebook stalking started. He would send friend requests with odd messages of random topics. They sounded like he was picking up in the middle of a conversation. I didn't want to encourage anything and decided to block him on Facebook. And I told the one girl who was in touch with him not to give out my info.
This week, the other singleton in our group -- who is in a committed relationship -- got the strangest email from Creepy Dude. I had to share...it's so bizarre.
The email's subject is "Mole."
And the message says: "lady recently cut my hair. she had a big 'ol mole on her lip. i couldn't help but think of the scene where Austin Powers could not stop looking at the mole's mole."
SO WEIRD! Does he seriously think this is the best way to start up a conversation with someone that he hasn't even exchanged emails with in over a year?
I laughed out loud when I read it, and then thanked my lucky stars it wasn't sent to me!
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Another Internet Dating Story
So a fellow singleton colleague of mine who recently moved to NYC recently went on a date with a guy she met through eHarmony (been there, done that). She said they had had several good phone conversations and agreed to meet. Before the meeting, she had a business trip which took her to Vancouver during the Olympic games. New-to-NY (N2NY) texted him a picture of the Olympic flame, and he made an off-color remark saying he wished she had sent a picture of her in lingerie instead, "just kidding." Kidding or not, the remark was overly flirtatious and not respectful of their new acquaintance. Thinking of his other positive qualities, N2NY went to meet him and hoped for the best.
So how did it go? She sat down with wide eyes to give me the scoop today. Apparently, after some time with conversation covering each of their respective occupations, he admitted, "Well, you're a very intimidating and powerful woman."
N2NY said, "I prefer confident." But he reiterated that he was intimidated by her in a way that wasn't a compliment but rather more of an excuse for him. But the final straw? He made another reference to lingerie. N2NY was outta there!
I've had men tell me I'm intimidating before. Usually when they can't perform up to task, so to speak.
So how did it go? She sat down with wide eyes to give me the scoop today. Apparently, after some time with conversation covering each of their respective occupations, he admitted, "Well, you're a very intimidating and powerful woman."
N2NY said, "I prefer confident." But he reiterated that he was intimidated by her in a way that wasn't a compliment but rather more of an excuse for him. But the final straw? He made another reference to lingerie. N2NY was outta there!
I've had men tell me I'm intimidating before. Usually when they can't perform up to task, so to speak.
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