What's New? Not Much, Pussycat

Sorry for the blog silence. I haven't had happy things to say, and you know how the saying goes: "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

The same day I wrote my last post about the end of my relationship with Aloha Guy, I learned that my friend, voice teacher, and organist/choir director at my church has gone into Hospice care, going home to North Carolina to be with his family in his final days. He's been fighting leukemia for many years, but it only just got very aggressive and eventually, deadly. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, and his absence is acutely felt at church. I still feel like I have so much still to learn from him, and he will be greatly missed.

So, in other news...I got a new vacuum. (Exciting, no?) Sometimes I clean when I'm upset. A therapist once told me it's a denial mechanism, as you focus on something you can control and make orderly, instead of something in life that you can't. The new vacuum works well and picks up the cat hair better than the old one.

Tonight, I got had the fortune of having dinner with a friend and past colleague from Dallas that I haven't seen since I moved away over two years ago. It was great catching up with her, and I value the easy camaraderie we have so much. I think I took it for granted before, and now I realize how rare and special that is.

What Goes Up...

My eyes are hazel, but they look mostly brown. But when I cry, they turn green.

I had all the best intentions of not falling for Aloha Guy, but sometime over the past weekend in Orlando, my emotions got the better of me. Unfortunately, I'm standing out here alone.

My reasons to him back in May and June for not getting more involved -- that he's recently divorced and lives thousands of miles away -- are now being echoed back to me. Of course, he's right. I was right when I said them then.

It still sucks.

What's worse? Being alone, or seeing what you could have and then being told you can't have it?

The past few months have been a rollercoaster in the dating life of this singleton, and I'm exiting the ride feeling completely wrung out.

Celebrate Today

You know the saying, "when the cat's away, the mice will play" -- well, I've been away from my cat, playing with the mice! Mickey Mouse and crew in Orlando. I was in Orlando for a long weekend, and it was everything I had hoped and then some.

I arrived late on Thursday night, leaving behind freakishly cold and rainy weather in NYC for balmy Orlando. Although I naturally arrived completely overdressed, I quickly shed my overcoat, blazer and scarf. Aloha Guy picked me up at the airport and off we went to the fabulous Marriott resort hotel. It was amazing, made more so by his thoughtfulness. He brought my favorite wine from California (Benziger Cabernet from Sonoma) and ordered chocolate covered strawberries.

Friday was work for AG, spa treatments for me. We had breakfast together and the waitress remarked that he looked like he was there for work but I was obviously on vacation, dressed in a brightly colored sarong over my bathing suit. After a massage, facial, manicure and pedicure, I felt like a new woman. I sauntered over to the restaurant/bar overlooking the main pool and ordered a Bloody Mary AND GOT CARDED. I laughed, and the waitress replied in all seriousness, "I have to card anyone who looks like they're under 30."

I lounged by the pool, under an umbrella to protect my fair skin, and read my book -- a new one by Jodi Piccoult, my favorite author. (Fabulous) I knew AG would join me when he finished his work, but he decided to startle me and scared the bejeezus out of me. We swam and tried the pool's slide and stood under the waterfall. When we decided a beer sounded good, I offered to walk inside to grab them. I put on my flip flops, a towel and grabbed my credit card. And I came back empty-handed. Yep, carded again. AG laughed heartily.

Saturday morning, I slept in while AG finished his conference. We went to Epcot that afternoon, and their tagline was "Celebrate Today." There was a Wine & Food festival going on, and we had a blast eating and drinking our way through the different countries' specialties at the park. The tastings were small, and we split most things, so we weren't overly stuffed or drunk. Plus, we were there for seven hours. We rode two rides, but I got a little queasy from one. Oh, and I got carded two more times! I think I like Orlando. :-)

On Sunday, we hit the outlet mall before heading to the airport, and I'm thrilled to say I bought some new pants IN A SIZE 8! I haven't worn an 8 since 2002 when I did Atkins, and I never thought I'd be here again. But my 10's have been falling off me, so I really needed new pants.

I had so much fun. AG and I laughed until I was crying, and he was consistently considerate and thoughtful. If only he didn't live on the opposite side of the country,...

Pictures from Orlando

The Highs and Lows

I had dinner tonight with two friends, former colleagues, who are so complimentary. It always makes me smile.

I hadn't seen one of them since January, so I knew what the reaction would be. (The weight loss) He couldn't stop commenting about it. "You really look great!" :-)

And then I heard from a good friend of mine tonight from church -- a fellow single who has become a dear friend. He's facing some very challenging and scary health threats, and likely some surgery with serious risks in the near future.

I am one of those people who doesn't have a lot of friends, but the friends I do have are very dear to my heart.

Travel on the Horizon

My friend NM and I are beginning to establish a regular habit of getting together on Friday nights. We meet at happy hour after work, and swap stories over dinner and drinks. Last night, we had two weeks to catch up on, and we ended up effortlessly spending five hours together.

In the week I missed, her mother had a heart attack. She's doing well after quick hospital intervention and the placement of a stent, but NM was understandably shaken. She had been looking forward to a vacation to Paris with a girlfriend, who dropped out at the last minute, but now the timing seems fortuitous. The girl agreed to cover the change fee to move NM's flight reservation until the spring, but obviously, NM doesn't have any confidence that the girl will accompany her in the spring either and personally doesn't want to leave her mom at this time. When she mentioned her disappointment with her friend bailing, I jumped at the chance -- I've never been to Paris, thinking I'd wait until I had a romantic partner to go with, and have been envious of NM's descriptions of the city (she's been many times before). She was delighted, and we toasted to our upcoming trip!

For my part, I had to catch her up on Aloha Guy's visit. Despite the circumstances, I find myself missing him more than I should. The facts remain: he lives on the opposite side of the country, he's recently divorced, he won't move because of his children, and the only way this relationship could possibly work is if I moved (and I'm finally starting to feel settled here). And despite the fact that when he was here, I realized that although this is my real life and isn't his -- he's on vacation, away from his normal routine and responsibilities -- I must admit that no one has ever treated me as well as he does. And as much as I protest that I'm independent and don't NEED anyone, it's really nice to be treated so respectfully. I must admit I like it!

I'm trying to hold on to my rational, logical mind over my romantic tendencies.

I have plans to meet him next week in Orlando. Aloha Guy has a business trip and invited me to join him at the fantastic resort he's staying at. My job is to visit the spa and check out the pools, and accompany him in his off-time to Epcot. I'm looking forward to it for many reasons, including getting out of the city for a long weekend. And after this, I don't know when I'll see him again. Well, it will at least give me time to adjust to being independent again.

Cruel

So the last post was an attempt at foreshadowing. Is anyone curious what happened with Cuban Musician? (This happened several weeks ago, but I needed time before I could talk/write about it.)

CM travels often for various gigs, getting jobs in London, Miami, Connecticut. One week he was in the Dominican Republic. He sent me text messages throughout the week, letting me know he'd be back on Saturday. He has a standing gig in NYC on Saturday at a place in the East Village, so I texted him that I would see him there.

When I arrived, the place was not as crowded as usual. CM was playing when I walked in, and instead of the usual big smile, he had a strange look on his face when he saw me. I tried not to worry too much about it and made my way to the bar, saying hi to people I knew from my many previous times there.

As I talked to one old guy, a regular who is also a great dancer, he mentioned that he couldn't remember my name but knew I was the one with CM.

A girl who was sitting next to him at the bar turned around and introduced herself. She asked me what he meant by the comment "with CM." I explained we were dating, and she asked me "What do you mean, dating?" Thinking this was strange, I said, "You know, dating. We've had dinners together..."

She asked me again to clarify, and then explained, "I'm asking what do you mean by dating because I'm his WIFE."

You could have knocked me over with a feather. TOTAL SHOCK.

(Just in case you were wondering, yes, I asked him when I first met him, "Are you married? Have you ever been married?" to which he answered No to both. And after dating him for 2 months, he started telling me he loved me. I wasn't ready to feel that, let alone say that back, but it was obvious from what he said and how he treated me that he was getting serious. Or so I thought.)

I immediately stammered out an apology to this woman, explaining I had NO IDEA he was married and never would have gotten involved with him if I had. She asked me a barrage of questions, like how long had we been dating, before the band took a break and she motioned him to come over.

Just as she finished asking him, "Have you been dating this girl?" I walked out and caught a cab home.

Stunned, in complete shock, I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. I kept running the conversation with her and all the times I had spent with CM through my mind. He had never hidden me, rather introducing me to all his friends and being openly affectionate in public.

I kept thinking, How could you? How could you be so cruel? Why even say you loved me? And knowing I was coming to the show, why didn't you text me and say you were sick, or not playing that night?

No answers. And I haven't heard from him. Not that I want to. I'm no longer devastated. Just angry. I'm disgusted at his behavior to her, and to me. I'm furious he put me in this situation and told me bald-faced LIES. And I'm mad at myself for believing him.

Lies

When I was little, I would get my mouth washed out with soap for lying. I can't remember what I lied about, but I probably was like most children who with wide-eyes and stumbling speech tell obvious outrageous untruths. My parents were consistent in their discipline, and I learned the lesson.

As adults, the lies we tell can have even greater consequences and impact those around us. I am very empathetic, and while I realize not everyone thinks that way, it bothers me when people aren't at least considerate and aware that their actions affect other people.

And then there are those who lie so deliberately, with the calculated intent to deceive, that it is nothing short of cruel.

Loser

I don't really like reality TV, except for The Biggest Loser. I like watching the transformations, I like the tips from the trainers, and I like the fact that they encourage everyone watching to make changes in their own lives to be healthier. I find it inspiring, and unlike other shows I watch, I cannot watch it with my butt parked on the couch. I find I have to get up and do something.

I record shows so I can zoom through the commercials, so yesterday I watched last week's Biggest Loser. I did some squats, lunges, arm weights, the sitting-against-the-wall thing, crunches, leg lifts with ankle weights, and the bridge pose...for two hours minus commercials. I'm feeling it today, but it's a good kind of sore, the kind that lets you know you did something positive to keep in shape.

I saw an old colleague last week that I hadn't seen in a little over a year, and there's 30 lbs less of me now. She was enthusiastic in her surprise. My new friend NM asked to see a before pic, and I pulled up this one. It's disgusting to me, but it's good to remember to see how far I've come.

Before, playing Dance Dance Revolution:













And After, taken last week by Aloha Guy. (And my hair's darker now, too!)

It's Quiet

I often tell people with confidence that I don't mind being alone. I enjoy many things about being alone, and I wholeheartedly believe that it's easier being alone than feeling lonely in a bad relationship. But after a week of having someone around to talk to and hold hands, go out to dinner with and get regular hugs, I admit...I really miss being in a relationship.

I like to think of myself as independent and strong, and I am, but... it's been nearly three years since I've been in a steady relationship. I'm getting a little tired of so much alone time.

Snug Harbor

Aloha Guy left today. We had a great time, and I was sad to see him go.



We both took off a couple days from work to do some sightseeing. Aloha Guy said he wanted to do something in or around NYC that I had never done before. He brought his camera, a nice Nikon, and took some great pictures of me. (I don't usually like many pictures of me, but he captured some really nice ones.)



I had done some research before hand and found out about a beautiful park on Staten Island called Snug Harbor. It was originally created as a retirement haven for sailors in 1801. There are many galleries and gardens, and I specifically wanted to see the Chinese Scholar's Garden, modeled after traditional gardens in China.


The gardens must be fantastic in the summer, when everything is in bloom. But the nice thing about going on a crisp fall day during the work week is that we had the place to ourselves! We enjoyed exploring the gardens, the ponds and visiting the koi fish. When I sat by the koi pond, the fish swam toward me, obviously hoping for food. I couldn't resist teasing them with my finger to see what they would do. The biggest fish lifted his head out of the water and tried to bite my finger! Aloha Guy caught the moment perfectly.