You know you need to lose weight when...

I was reading someone else's blog, and it reminded me of this story.

A couple years ago, when Rod and I were together, we went down to Austin to visit my sister Jennifer and her family. Jenn and Anthony are very frugal, and they also don't make big decisions or big purchases quickly. Anthony is very diligent in researching options and looking for the best price of things.

They have a kitchen dinette set that they have had for at least 8 years. It was perfect for them when they were a newly married couple, but after a couple kids and the MIL's dog scratching the top, let's just say they could do better. I have done my part to try and encourage a new purchase...

So we were all sitting around at their table, Jenn, Anth, little Anna, Rod and me, enjoying a delicious home-cooked meal by Jenn and some tasty wine. (I think this was before Colin was born.) All of the sudden, we hear a loud cracking noise, and I feel the seat beneath me giving way. There I am on the floor with the chair I had been occupying now split under me. My ass hurt, but my pride hurt more. Jenn exclaimed, "Are you ok?" but the guys just couldn't stop laughing. Now there were only 5 chairs.

Fast forward to a couple weekends ago when I was down there visiting and participating in the race with Jenn. They have such a cozy house, and it's so nice to sit around the table with a whole family...very different than my usual meal of take-out or leftovers in front of the TV. There we were, sitting around the table, unprepared for the CRACK! Oh no, not again! Oh, yes...the chair beneath me cracked and crashed to the floor. Anthony busted out laughing while I was saying, "Not again! Not again!" I can't believe with all the people who have sat at that table on those same chairs, only I have broken not one, but TWO! As I've posted before, I've really been struggling with my weight, and this is VERY disheartening.

Part martyr, part able-to-laugh-at-myself, the next day, Anna wanted to sit in the chair I had brought in from the other room (not one of the original set). I told her it was ok, but then I would have to sit in her chair (one of the originals). And I said to her, "You know what happens when Auntie Emily sits in those chairs..." And she soberly replied, "Yeah. They break."

So now there are 4...

It's not you, it's me

So Ed, the guy I had brunch with (see Online dating sucks...), text-messaged me on my phone on Monday saying he'd enjoyed meeting me, etc. I struggled with whether to reply and what to say. I decided to be honest with him and not just leave him wondering. I wrote back it was nice to meet him, too, but it just wasn't a connection for me, and wished him good luck.

He wrote back: "I figured you felt that way. Just curious, what was not right? Please be honest. I appreciate the feedback."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Again, I struggled with whether I need to write back. I mean, how do you say in a nice, non-offending way, "I don't think you're attractive, you talk too much and you don't watch the news!" I decided to ask a few friends and coworkers for their advice. Here's what they suggested I write back:

Janet: "My degree was in health education, not psychology. Get a counselor if you want feedback."

Stephen M: "Case in point."
Stephen L: "Unsubscribe."

Online dating sucks, but at least I'm meeting people

Although some people have told me I'm too picky, I don't take offense to it. I haven't been picky enough in the past, and now I know what I want and don't want to settle for less than I deserve.

I met someone this weekend that I've been emailing and talking to for a few weeks. He found me through my profile on Match.com. I've enjoyed talking to him. He seems like a gentleman and was reasonably attractive. But there's just no way of knowing until you meet someone in person.

It's still amazing to me how people can look so different from their pictures. I think it's the 2-D versus 3-D effect. When you meet someone in person and then later see a picture of them, your brain automatically makes the connection. However, done in reverse -- seeing a picture of someone and then meeting them in person -- is not always so instantly recognizable. When you see a picture of someone for the first time, your brain fills in the 3-D details -- for example, how much their cheeks or chins protrude from their face. Then you see them in person, and you have to adjust your mental image to the actual.

This guy, Ed, didn't look too different from his photos except for the fact that his cheekbones were more sunken then I had imagined. It just kinda throws you for a while.

The meeting was ok, but I don't think I'll see him again. He talked 80% of the time, hardly giving me a chance to interject anything into the conversation. But the final straw was his admitting that he doesn't watch the news or read newspapers because it doesn't affect his life. I kept thinking about all the terrorist activities that are occurring in London, Madrid and elsewhere...how could you not think your life could be affected? It's already happened in New York and Oklahoma City. It's amazing to me that someone could be so short-sighted and egocentric.

I've tried dating services, church singles groups, getting set up by friends. Online dating isn't perfect, but I think it's probably more reliable than meeting guys in bars.

Overcoming personal obstacles

I saw an interview with Kate Winslet in which she was discussing society's views of women and their size. She has gotten a lot of negative press about her body, which I think is gorgeous. She said she's not into starving herself or plastic surgery and just eats healthy and stays busy with her two toddlers. She also recounted a conversation she had with Leonardo diCaprio:

She says, "Leo [DiCaprio], when we were doing Titanic, said, 'There are so many girls out there who think that to be successful and to be beautiful and to be loved and respected it means you have to be thin.' And this kind of really struck a chord with me. I thought, 'He's right, this image is being translated to teenage girls.'" Then, Kate says, "When the Academy Awards came around, I thought, 'I'm young. I'm 21 years old and I'm in this movie and it's very successful and I have been nominated for an Academy Award for this and I haven't done any of this through being skinny or through starving myself or anything like that.' And so I thought, 'I'm just going to hold my head high and I'm just going to be the person that I am.'"

I realized that this is a false belief I've held about myself, that to be loved and respected I must be thin. When I think about it logically, it seems ridiculous, but there's a part of me that truly believes this. Right now, I'm the heaviest I've ever been, but this is also the most in shape I've ever been.

I'm also reading this great book suggested to me by my counselor, Jo (a brilliant woman who provides me with great insight and is helping me destruct these false beliefs). Written by Sue Monk Kidd, When the Heart Waits is her personal story of a spiritual journey of sorts. She wrote about a time in her life when she felt stuck and unhappy with her current situation and how she worked through it. I highly recommend it to anyone who feels like they are in a transition time.

What is the sex of your brain?

I just took an interesting (albeit long) assessment on BBC's site that analyzes how you think and whether your mind is predominantly male or female.

I wasn't surprised to learn that I'm smack in the middle! I have some traits that are very female-oriented, such as verbal ability and empathy, and others that are typically male, such as spatial orientation.

Very interesting. Find out your Sex ID Profile!

My darling niece and nephew

Colin continues to be my little buddy. He's so sweet, running up to me periodically and leaning against me or coming to give me unbidden kisses! A couple of times this weekend he said all three syllables of my name, but mostly he calls me "Emmy" or "Enny."

Luckily for me, he still sleeps in a crib, so I get to stay in the bed in his room. The first morning I was there, he woke up, stood up in his crib and said, "Whaddya doin'?" I laughed and said, "I'm sleeping!" but I got up and picked him up.

The last morning I was there, I guess he was used to me being there. I heard him rustling around in his crib and peeked out of one eye to see him stand up and looking over at me, "Wake up!" he demanded.

He's certainly talking more and more. He's also asserting himself with his older sister, telling her, "No, Anna! I do it!" and "I turn!" (my turn) He's a mimic, repeating whatever we say, and when I called for Jennifer, he started saying her name, too. "Jennifer!"

On the other hand, Anna is in full imagination mode. Her favorite show is the Backyardigans, a group of six animal characters that find adventure in their backyard. For the past several days, she had claimed to be Pablo and her mom is Tyrone. I became Tasha, and Colin is Austin. Daddy is Daddy Austin. Whenever you say something to her and call her by name (Anna), she says, "You mean 'Pablo'?"

We were shopping on Saturday at Target and Kohl's, and Anna would yell out, "Tyrone! Come find me!" and Jennifer would answer, "Where are you, Pablo?" It struck me as funny to be walking out of these stores with Jennifer saying, "Come on, Pablo" to this little blonde haired girl.

Jennifer is a great sport and really encourages her kids' imagination. Anthony was tiring of it. I understand. You want to just call her Anna and hear her call you by your name. At one point he said something to her about "Mommy" and she said, "You mean 'Tyrone'?" And he said, "No, I mean 'Mommy'." She turned to me and said, "Daddy doesn't like to play Backyardigans."

Colin singing and dancing "the Hokey Pokey"

Anna, just looking beautiful

Triumphant after finishing the Women's Adventure Race in Austin

We did it!

Okay, I knew Jenn would finish, but I still had doubts whether I would! The race was divided up into sections, 1) run/walk, 2) bike, 3) swim, 4) bike, 5) the "gauntlet".

We started off at 9:15 a.m. with the run through the woods, along with a rubber chicken that each team has to carry as their third teammate. There were so many women, the "traffic" made us walk through the first section. We jogged for awhile and then walked again. Our first "mystery event" was scrambling up a mountain of gravel! We felt like kids again, up the gravel and back down again. At the end of the run, we were told to clip our shoes together with a caribiner and do the rest of that section as a 3-legged race!

Back to the transition area, we picked up our bikes and helmets. Now we faced the trails on our bikes. It seemed to me that the majority of the trail was uphill! The bike trip was broken up by more mystery events. The first was just to toss our chicken through a hoop. Others were more inventive -- we were handcuffed to each other through a rope obstacle course, had to balance (walking sideways) along a wide tube, and, my favorite, the intellectual puzzles! I did well on the mystery events. Jenn actually had trouble with the balancing part and had to do it three times. This made me feel a little better for making her stop or walk for me to catch my breath. The puzzles were fun -- word scrambles, word finds, geometry and other math. We got all our answers right. (Other teams weren't so lucky and had to keep working on their answers until they got a minimum number right.)

Back on the bikes, I was thinking about doing this same course again for the second bike section (minus the events). I honestly didn't know how I'd do it...I was trying to think how I'd break it to Jenn...but part of me didn't want to forfeit...

It was hot, but the worst thing for me was the pain in my lungs. It hurt so much to breathe, and I couldn't catch my breath. I used my inhaler 5 times, and I was starting to think it wasn't having an effect anymore.

We (finally) got back to the transition area to ditch our bikes and pick up our floats for the swim. As we approached the starting area, we saw Anthony and the kids! Anna started running in circles around us, chanting "We found them! We found them!" They were so happy to see us, but we still had half the race to go!

Our float for the swim was Anna's whale, Shami (not Shamu, because she's a girl). We also had to wear annoying life vests (race rule). We hiked to the lake and stepped in the sticky mud to wade through thigh-high weeds in the water. The water felt good, and it had also started to rain. We made it about a third of the way through when they spotted lightning in the distance and had everyone exit the lake. We were glad we got to do at least some of the water portion.

We headed to the transition area again, where we dropped off our swimming stuff and got back on the bikes. By now it was REALLY raining, pelting us on our left side and cooling everything off considerably. Now the tricky part was the mud! It was very slippery, and there were a lot of ruts in the path. We saw a couple women who crashed. I still had to walk some, but I made it through. This time when we got to the transition area, all we had left was the gauntlet, so named for its entry to the finish line and its many obstacle events.

We climbed over a rope wall, crawled through kid-size tunnels, rolled through the mud under a rope mesh and then crawled through a water tank under additional ropes. We were soaked, muddy and glad it was over! The announcer called out our names and team name as we crossed the finish line. Whew. What a relief.

After a feast from Carraba's, we headed back to the Martin house to rinse off all the mud.

Now, after a lovely dinner by Jenn (how in the hell did she have the energy to cook?), I feel pretty good. I'm glad I finished, I know how to work towards the next one in Dallas in September, and I'm glad it's over! We finished in 2 hours 20 minutes. (And, by the way, I think the last team came in around at 3 hours.)

A good day

Good news...I learned today that we won that big business pitch! This will mean quite a change at work for me -- instead of having 5-6 accounts, I will just have this one for 9-12 months. It's going to be a great challenge.

I arrived in Austin today, and Jenn and I went on a practice bike ride tonight. I did okay, although I forgot to take a shot of my asthma inhaler beforehand. Jenn was very enthusiastic and kept yelling "Great!" when I got up the hills. Tomorrow we'll drop our bikes off at the race site.

Anna & Colin were so excited when I arrived, they were both screaming and giggling. I guess it was too much for Colin...he ran into Montana's cage and sat in there watching Anna and I for a few minutes. I finally got him to come out and give me a hug. And he gave us sweet goodnight kisses tonight, complete with "Mmmm..."

In Training

Next weekend is the adventure race. As I've told my friends and colleagues that I'm going to do this race, they look at me quizzically and ask, "have you been training?"

I guess this race is out-of-character for me, but that's part of the challenge. I think it will be very physically challenging for me. Each of the events would probably be enough for me on their own, but this will be all three: running, biking and swimming (sort of). The water portion is kicking or paddling a floatation device or boat. (Jenn, have you figured out what we're using yet?) Jenn was going to explore their storage unit for old swimming floats, and Anna offered her large blow-up Shamu.

I took a long bike ride this morning around my neighborhood. It's hot. And my butt really started to burn on all the inclines. (Yeah, I know, it can use it.) I have a water bottle holder on my bike, but I couldn't figure out how to get to it while I was riding, and I didn't want to stop because I thought my body would refuse to get back on and keep going. I'm so grateful for my iPod Mini, my birthday present from Stephanie. Music really helps keep your mind off the physical twinges and inspires you on.

Now I have to go into work. (Yuk) I'm going on a very important presentation, and we have to practice today. The presentation team consists of me, another director, 4 VPs and our President. No pressure.

Leave the past in the past

Well, I couldn't stand not knowing. I called Chris on Friday. He said he had had a really busy week and that was 75% of the reason he hadn't called -- the other 25% being that he still wasn't sure about whether he could accept the fact that I've been married before. Ok, so at least I knew. But then he asked me out for Saturday night.

We saw a movie (War of the Worlds -- very action-packed and suspenseful), and afterwards, I left feeling very down. I was feeling similar to how I felt often during my relationship with Rod, that I had to prove that I was worthy of his love and attention. It's a rotten feeling. It's like Chris has already judged me based on a past mistake, but he doesn't even really know me. I don't need that. I've struggled with my "status" enough and tried to forgive myself for making a bad decision (or two).

A Bitter Aftertaste

Not knowing if I should leave the cucumber on the vine to get darker green, I called the most knowledgeable gardener I know, my brother-in-law Anthony. He clued me in that the longer you leave cucumbers on the vine, the more bitter they get. Uh, oh...

So I picked the one in the picture as well as another and tried them out. Sure enough, it was pretty bitter.

I omitted something from last weekend's post-game report on my dates with Chris. He said I seemed wonderful, intelligent, yada, yada, yada...(you can almost hear the "but" right?)...but he wasn't sure if he could "handle" the fact that I'm divorced.

This really upset me for two reasons. First, he knew this before he asked me out. I'm very honest, and it is in my profile. We even talked about it on the phone before we ever met. Second, this is something I can't do anything about! It's so frustrating. I told him, I'd change it if I could, but unfortunately, I don't have the ability to go back and time and undo all my mistakes.

So, I haven't heard from him. I guess he decided he couldn't handle it. Whatever. Well, I guess, like the cucumbers, there will be more!