New Year Musings

I've been off the blog scene lately. I didn't even read my sisters' blogs for the past couple days. I had a nightmare last night that something had happened and I didn't know about it, so I caught up on all their pictures and stories this morning.

I took Friday off as my last vacation day of 2005, and today is a holiday from work. It's been great to have a 4-day weekend to catch up on everything: sleep, laundry, cleaning, and visiting with friends.

The antibiotics are doing their job, and I'm finally feeling more like myself. Thanks for everyone's well-wishes! But now that I'm feeling better physically, I seem to be dwelling more on my emotional status.

I know I have a tendency to over-analyze, but...
Sometimes I run when things get too tough. Moving around often as a kid was great in so many ways, but it taught me I can start over and not deal with relationship issues. I know that each of my brief marriages was doomed from the start (poor choices on my part), but still I wonder if I didn't give it enough effort? Then I remember the situations and think, yes I did...

I also vacillate between feeling really confident and thinking I deserve someone who loves and appreciates all my unique qualities and feeling not good enough. I've discovered (through in-depth counseling with a insightful professional) that I tend to be the pursuer in relationships. I feel more comfortable with the role of trying to win someone over. When I "get" them, I start to feel restless. (I think that's when the feeling of "I'm not good enough" comes in.)

I have also been exploring and trying to chip away at my unattainable goal of perfection. I know logically I'm not perfect and can never be, but sometimes my drive to be perfect in every facet of my life comes out and nearly cripples me. I also tend to look for perfection in a man...something we all know doesn't exist! (ha ha)

Steve wrote me a beautiful and heartfelt email over the holidays. I broke up with him after he made a stupid mistake, and I focused on that and not the months of his true behavior. He had also recently told me he loved me. That scared me (see above), and I didn't react well to it. Even before the email and our recent talks, I have felt that he has been the first man to truly see and appreciate me for who I am. And so, with all this in mind, I've decided to see him for lunch. No guarantees for anything else, but I need to explore this a bit more.

Hope all this rambling makes sense. Thanks for reading it!