The Annual Embarrassment

One of the "joys" of being a woman is annual gynecological check-ups.

One of the "joys" of a new job is new insurance and the necessity to get a new doctor because the previous one doesn't accept the new insurance.

Then there's finding a doc that is currently accepting new patients. And I narrow the field further because I only want to see a female doc after an embarrassing incident during college. After MANY phone calls, I finally find a female doc in my neighborhood who is still accepting my insurance and also will take a new patient. Great. Sign me up.

As I'm trying to get all my information at the ready (date of last period, brand of pills, etc.), I realize I'm going to an Asian woman, and she will likely be petite and will likely make a deal of my weight. Yay.

First, there are the questions about physical health and history. I got a raised eyebrows response when I told her I've been on the pill for 16 years. (The truth is 18 years, but 16 is what came out of my mouth...not sure why, but the raised eyebrows was definitely a reason to want to bend the truth further. Why don't they treat doctors about poker faces?) She then asked my age and [hopefully] realized that's not as bad as it initially sounds.

She had me stand on the scale and asked if I'd recently gained weight. Nope, it's been pretty steady, doc. (Actually, I've recently lost 2 lbs, but since that's not really a lot when the goal is much more, I didn't mention it. Although I considered fabricating that I've lost 20 lbs. to make my current weight seem not as bad...)

Then it's the lovely paper gown, opening in the front. She takes my blood pressure and tells me it's borderline. (I'm usually low.) Am I nervous, she asks? Are you kidding me?!*? I'm basically naked in front of a strange, petite woman. Yeah, I'm not exactly my most comfortable.

She makes small talk while she does the usual poking and prodding, and because of my age, the small talk is about mammography. Yes, I'm on the north side of 35, and a baseline mammogram is recommended anytime between now and 40. [Ugh.] She says my only risk factor is that I'm over 35 and haven't had kids. I mention this hasn't been by design, that I really want to have kids. She says, "you just have to be ready to settle down." Thanks. Actually, I AM ready to "settle down" (what a horrible phrase...as if I'm partying it up every night and can't be bothered to be a steady influence for a minor), I just haven't met the right guy yet. She asks if the guy I'm seeing might be the right one. Oh, that's right, I may have alluded that Friend-with-benefits is a steady guy I'm seeing for the past 6 months. Uh, too soon to tell.

And then, because the current conversation and the fact that I'm still in this awful blue paper gown isn't bad enough, she brings up the weight issue.

[Yeah, can we finish this conversation once I have my clothes back on?]