Feeling Loved

When I arrived in Austin on Sunday, my sister was waiting at the airport with both my niece and nephew. It's a bit of a drive to the airport, and sometimes they don't want to go all that way. So it meant a lot that they were both there to greet me. Anna and Colin were jumping up and down as soon as they saw me, and as I knelt down to hug them, I was almost pushed over from their enthusiastic greeting.

I'm getting a bit spoiled by the attention. Every morning, I get fresh hugs and kisses, and when I get home from my company's Austin office, again they run and hug on me. Lots of lovin's. It's great!

Vulnerable

I got a call on Saturday from my bank's Fraud Department. [Cue suspenseful music] It seems my debit card was compromised, and with two transactions, the thief pretty much wiped out my account. I'm very glad that the bank was on top of it and quickly noticed the out-of-the-ordinary activity and froze my card, but I also feel so angry and vulnerable.

I've learned the hard way how to manage my funds, and one of the ways I stay away from credit card debt is to use the debit card. It's so convenient...until something like this happens.

I'm not sure how the card got compromised, but it certainly threw a wrench in my plans for the weekend. Fortunately, I had taken out some cash the night before in preparation for this week's travel, so I'm now using that sparingly until I get a new debit card and the stolen money gets replaced, which may take several weeks. I know this happens often and everyone is vulnerable to such a theft, but it doesn't make it any more pleasant.

It's Friday and Sunny and I'm Looking Ahead

I was supposed to have a date tonight with FWB. He called me this morning to cancel. Bummer.

But I'm so focused on next week, I'm not giving him too much thought. On Sunday, I fly to Austin to spend the week there. Fortunately, my company allows us to work from other offices, so I will meet my Austin colleagues and spend some time in their offices Monday-Wednesday. It's a great option because I'm avoiding travelling on the busiest travel days of the year AND I get to spend the evenings with my sister Jenn and her family. Plus, I don't have to take vacation days to do it.

Unlike last year, when several of my NY friends and colleagues wondered from my frequent visits to Texas if I truly lived here or there, this year I haven't been travelling home as much, mostly due to the rising costs of airfare. And of course, the NYers don't understand that Texas is a big place, and I have people to visit in Dallas, Houston, Austin and Waco. Unfortunately, the place that sees the least of me is Dallas. I have some terrific friends there, but my family is in the other cities.

And of course, when you travel, you don't want to be on the road the whole time. You want to spend quality time with people you miss and love. For Thanksgiving, I'm focused just on Austin. My parents will come in for Thanksgiving, and I'm hoping to meet up with a couple friends there for drinks or lunch. I'm also planning on packing my suitcase with all the food items I can't find up here to bring a little taste of Texas back with me.

Impetuousness vs. Caution

Nothing new to report on the dating scene. [sigh] Every few weeks, I feel the need to have a "where are we" discussion with FWB, but nothing's really changed. He did say he "adores me." While that was wonderful to hear, it was still in a friendly sort of way.

I asked him what he thought about me dating other people. He said he wouldn't ask me not to, that he couldn't ask me to wait for him because he didn't know when (or if?) things would change for him, for him to be ready to take it to the next level, so to speak.

I don't really want to see other people, but I'm thinking maybe that will help me maintain some distance from FWB. But I feel a little guilty about it, even though I asked him about it.

I know I have a tendency to throw myself into things. Sometimes this doesn't work so well: my past marriages being obvious examples. Moving to NYC is another example in a non-romantic way. It's been much more difficult than I thought it would be, and I'm not sure I totally thought it completely through before acting. But it's also been good in many ways. I've definitely grown personally, and professionally it's been very positive. I recognize that I make decisions quickly, and I also know that it doesn't always work out well. But that's me. I can admire others' more thorough processes, and although it does sometimes make me impatient, in matters of the heart, being cautious may protect them from getting hurt. I'm usually willing to jump in with both feet, putting my heart out there, and on more than one occasion, I've been devastated by the results. But somehow I still believe in the possibility of love, and feel that it's worth the risk. Guess I'm a romantic!

Warmth & Cold

Forget fall. Winter has come in with a vengeance. Since Sunday, it's been significantly colder with bone-chilling winds. My skin is suffering the consequences, and I can't seem to get enough moisturizer. I've been bundling up with multiple layers -- for instance today I'm wearing a turtleneck under a trench, and to go outside I add my coat, scarf, gloves and hat. Sometimes I consider a ski-mask. The wind chaps my face and makes my eyes water. But one of the things I love is the combination of warmth and cold, like enjoying a cup of hot coffee, wrapping my hands around the cup to enjoy the heat, or snuggling in for the night under piles of blankets. My cat Sabrina comes up to my shoulder and sniffs and digs in the blanket. I lift it up for her to climb in. She goes under, then turns around so her head is out with mine, slamming her body up against me, effectively spooning with me. Then I can put the covers back down and snuggle with her. She doesn't stay that way all night, but I enjoy feeling her purr beside me.

Quiet Weekend

Yesterday started off normal enough. I got my apartment cleaned up and headed out to my favorite Mexican dive in the West Village for fish tacos. They make really good fish tacos, and although you have to buy chips & salsa (not free like it is in Texas), it has a really nice flavor.

Leaving there, I walked East towards the Village and to Broadway, looking to get some Christmas shopping done when I started feeling ill. I quickly curbed the shopping for a subway home, and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening on the couch. I don't know if I had a virus or if it was something I ate (too soon for the fish tacos, but maybe something from yesterday?), but since the sky opened up and poured rain, it was good to be safely inside. Sabrina (my cat) warily watched the windows as the storm played out, and she kept me company on the couch as I watched my Netflix.

Yesterday was 65* and muggy with humidity, and today has begun bright and sunshine-y. It's so clear, I can see way into Jersey. I checked the weather, and it's also very cold! Being up 30 floors, I never really have to turn my heat on. But I've learned not to be deceived by the beautiful looking weather. That storm brought through colder air, and the high today is only 50. I'm not complaining...I'm still enjoying the change in weather after so many years of mostly summer in Texas.

I'm (thankfully) feeling better, so I'm off to church and then hope to get that shopping done that I started yesterday.

Good Signs

The scale has been kind lately. I don't weigh myself often -- sometimes not even each week -- but I'm tracking my progress, and thankfully, the progress is going in a downward trend! I'm happy to report I've now lost 6 pounds. While it's slow progress, I'm doing it in a way that will be easy to maintain and will [hopefully] result in permanent weight loss.

In addition to the scale, last week I had to take a belt to a shoe repair shop to get a new hole punched in it. It just wasn't tight enough! :-)

And I found a pair of corduroy slacks in my closet -- funny how things can just disappear in there and you don't look at them for months -- and was going to put them in the donation bag I have because they are a size lower than what I'm currently wearing. It's so disheartening to try those old sizes on and realize again that you're no longer that size. But I guess I was feeling brave and decided to give them a last go before I put them in the donation pile. THEY FIT! So exciting. I've worn them twice since then.

Texas on my Mind

I'm wearing my fancy cowboy (cowgirl?) boots today. They are black with silver trim. My mom and I bought them in El Paso for me to wear to an audition for Opryland. While the audition wasn't a success, I was proud that they didn't cut me off as quickly as some of the singers and let me finish the first verse. I figured it couldn't have been too bad.

On the subway tonight, a guy got on wearing a hat with the emblem from my college alma mater, Texas A and M. (Can't find the ampersand on this stupid blackberry) I gave him the thumbs-up Gig Em sign and he asked when I graduated. Then he said something about their football team not being so great this year. I shrugged. I haven't watched a college game in years. I don't watch much football at all anymore. In Texas, football is king, and although it's annoying that so much of the school funding goes to support the football program, I have fond memories of Friday night games throughout high school and college games on Saturdays after Friday night Yell Practice. It was fun to have that school spirit and feel like a part of something bigger than myself.

Dating or Not Dating?

As you smart commenters noted the last time I wrote about my friend-with-benefits, it seems we are dating, whether we call it that or not.

I finally admitted to FWB that I broke the rule (about being honest if we develop feelings so we could stop the benefits and remain friends). I started having feelings but was afraid to say anything because I didn't want to lose what we had. But, eventually, I realized it wasn't enough, and I had to take the risk of admitting my feelings. The conversation went well enough, and he admitted he's thought about feelings, too, but nothing's really changed. He stills calls me every day (HE calls ME), but I only see him about once a week. He's still maintaining his distance emotionally, too.

In many ways, this relationship is different than any previous. We laugh a lot, and I truly value our friendship and feel we can talk about anything. But it's also different in that usually when I've started dating someone, we want to spend all our free time together. Maybe it's good that we're taking it slowly, but I also worry that maybe "he's just not that into me," as the book says. Of course, I've asked him about that, and he denies that's the case.

I'm trying to just go with the flow, but I wish I got to see him more to see if this is really going anywhere or not.

Images of New York

I've been enjoying a quiet weekend after three weekends of visitors and travel. Last weekend, I joined a visitor on a double-decker bus tour of the city. It was cold (hence the hat, scarf and bundled up coat) but it was nice to see the sights and hear all the history from the tour guide.

Gems from the Farmers Market

Voting, NY-style

I voted this morning. Although some people made disparaging remarks that I didn't take advantage of early voting and was probably going to have to suffer through extreme crowds, I found it to be very well-organized and the entire experience took only 90 minutes.

The polling place for my district is the Surrogate Courthouse. It's an incredible structure, with marble floors and columns, brass fixtures and a painted ceiling in the foyer.

I learned it was completed in 1907 and was built as part of the early 20th century "City Beautiful movement, along with the Municipal Building and the New York County Courthouse. The idea behind the City Beautiful movement was to transform cities with spectacular, imposing classical buildings, fine artwork, and broad boulevards. The intention was to provide an uplifting experience for the community."

It certainly added to my voting experience.

O You! was Outstanding

As my mom foreshadowed in her comment to my previous post, we attended the O You! conference last Saturday in San Francisco. It was a fantastic event.









There were several thousand women there, and we saw several mother-and-daughter duos.







The line-up of speakers was straight out of the O Magazine, and due to concurrent sessions, we had to choose four. Other than one session, my mom and I were together. I saw Martha Beck, Suze Orman, Stacy London and Marianne Williamson. As you can see in one of my pictures, Stacy came down into the crowd and walked very close to us. She was fantastic, providing realistic advice to everyone about fashion and style. She took questions from the audience, which turned into personal critiques (very respectful) of the individual and some personalized advice. Martha Beck was my favorite of the day. She was genuine, fascinating and funny. She is a professional coach but actually got into more of a spiritual/life area that resonated with me. In contrast, Marianne Williamson, who is known for the spiritual side, didn't connect with me or my mom.


Suze Orman was dynamic and hilarious. She began her talk by saying, "You may have noticed the title for this session was 'The 8 Habits of Wealthy Women.' It has now been renamed: 'What the hell is going on in this country and how does it impact all of us.'" She also gave very practical advice (I took notes) and predicted that we won't be out of this financial crisis until 2015.



The day ended with an unplanned visit by Oprah. Her BF Gayle King led the event and told us in her opening speech that she pleaded with Oprah to show up. Although Oprah looked tired (she admitted having finished several tapings of her show and other interviews), she was very inspiring.

I would definitely recommend one of these events. I have some advice for them to improve their website, but overall it was a very energizing and uplifting day. The Moscone venue was fantastic, and since there were a limited number of men in attendance, I truly appreciated that they redesignated most of the men's restrooms to women. They are planning on posting the presentations by each speaker on their website: www.oyouonline.com Currently, you can find videos from last year's conference there.

I Heart San Francisco

I have always enjoyed San Francisco.








I love being near the water, and the fresh seafood is incredible. It also has a nice vibe. My mom noted how wide and clean the streets were. We walked to dinner in the evening and found the streetlights were very bright and cheery. The only detractor is the overwhelming number of homeless and beggars. Every block had at least one.










We took a cable car from our hotel over to the bay.









The hills always amaze me, and the street pictured is Lombardi Street, the crooked-est street. While you can't see the zig-zag, it does show the elevation differences and the beautiful view.






We bought fresh crab and shrimp salad for lunch -- delicious -- and saw this seagull enjoying his own salad. I'm not sure if someone bought it especially for him or just left it there for his access. The bird was enjoying it.



We went to Pier 39 and saw the seals. Their consistent barking kept giving me the giggles.







We had fantastic food each night -- sushi, Mexican and Italian. Here we are at the Mexican place with our Macho Margaritas. They had chopped and roasted jalapenos in them! Very tasty, very spicy.

travel and learning

As one of my friends wrote me in a recent email, my previous post stirred up quite a shit storm of activity in the comments! It's nice to get comments, real evidence that people are reading and inspired enough by my post to share their point of view.

For the past couple days, I've been in San Francisco. I'm here for a conference for work, networking with people from 7 am to 11 pm, and as I flew across country to get here (quite a long flight of 6 hours), I felt a cold coming on. I'm starting to feel a bit better, just in time...

My mom is flying in to join me in San Fran for the weekend. We are attending an Oprah conference on Saturday, and while Oprah herself won't be there, we will see Suze Orman, Martha Beck, Stacey London and others. (A great opportunity for internal, personal work!)

I haven't seen my mom since our family vacation in June, so it will be great to see her and catch up. Plus, I love San Francisco. Such a beautiful, fun city.

Deep Thoughts

(Yes, the title is an old SNL reference to Jack Handey.)

We had another gorgeous fall weekend here in NYC. The weather has definitely turned, and jackets and scarves are mandatory attire. I walked my favorite path along the Hudson River and enjoyed the crisp air and bright sun glinting off the water.

Sometimes I think I think too much. When writing about travelling alone recently, Jenn wrote that she got tired of hearing her own voice in her head. Maybe that's it. I do so enjoy good conversations with others. The monologue in my head is getting old.

I've been pondering the big questions, like What's my purpose in life? Am I supposed to be here (NYC)? What's the reason for it all? Work is going fine, but sometimes when I consider what's really important (family, friends, making a difference), it all seems so pointless.

I've thought about moving back to Texas, maybe Austin instead of Dallas this time. But will I be admitting defeat? Saying that I couldn't hack it in the Big City? Am I giving up too easily? And if I move there, will it really be any different? I can't escape the monologue, wherever I go. I'll have to start over all over again, putting out the same effort to make friends and create a social life. But at least I'd have family close by.

No decisions at this time. Just questions.

The Long-Awaited Girls' Weekend

My "big" sis Jenn came to visit last weekend. Before you chastise me for not posting earlier, let me explain that this week has been very busy with client presentations (3) and travel (Philly and Boston) with planes, trains and automobiles.

Last Friday, Jenn was arriving at JFK airport, which is the farthest from Manhattan, but since she was coming in at 9:30 p.m., I decided to take the subway out to meet her and planned on taking a taxi back into the city. I was amazed and horrified that the subway took so long to get out there! I had planned on getting out there before she arrived and brought a book to keep me company. Unfortunately, I was still on the airtrain trying to get to her terminal when she called and said she was there. (I kept her waiting 20 minutes, which stressed me out a bit.)

After waiting through a LONG taxi line, we told the driver to take us straight to the restaurant, suitcase and all (not that uncommon in NYC), since we were both hungry. I had called the restaurant to make a reservation, but the lady I spoke to said not to worry about a reservation, just show up at that hour (between 10:30-11 p.m.). The restaurant was in the ever-trendy Meat Packing district, and of course, there was a line out front and some fierce looking doormen choosing who got in. After some finagling, we did get in (thank goodness). By this time, I was quite worked up (stressed!) because I wanted everything to go smoothly for Jenn. But she's so easygoing, probably the most so in our family, and she helped me relax by telling me she was just happy to be there and enjoying whatever happened. 

Since I have a king size bed, Jenn slept on the unused portion. I was surprised I woke up before she did on Saturday morning, but she revelled in the quiet -- no kids to wake her up, and because of the holiday weekend, no construction noise from Ground Zero. After some fruit and a virtual visit with the kids back home through iChat, we met my friends (and sisters) Liesel and Erin for brunch. Then I took Jenn by my office and to the Union Square farmers' market. We also stopped into a discount store, but didn't find anything worth buying there. Back home, we dropped off our grocery purchases and speed-walked over to the Hudson River and kayaking. It was a little cold, and Jenn accidentally splashed me once with her oar, but it was beautiful and fun. Then we speed-walked back home to get cleaned up for dinner and our Broadway show.

Traffic was horrendous going uptown to the Theater District, and we were late for our dinner reservation. The Italian food was terrific but we both agreed we would have liked to have lingered over it a bit more. However, the show must go on! Our theater was just a couple short blocks from the restaurant, and Wow, oh WOW is Wicked an incredible show! I've been wanting to see it for some time, but not wanting to go on my own, and it was great to share it with Jenn.

On Sunday, we went to church and then headed uptown to go to MoMA (Museum of Modern Art). We ran into a street fair, which I love, and got some cheap but tasty eats for lunch. Unfortunately, we were unable to see the Van Gogh exhibit at MoMA because it had sold out for the day. I don't go to many museums -- just not my thing -- so now I know you can (and should) buy tickets ahead of time.

However, this freed up some time for shopping. I took Jenn to Macy's, which is 7-8 stories high and a block wide. She got some great deals and we thoroughly exhausted ourselves. Dinner that night was at another fabulous Italian restaurant, and my FWB (friend-with-benefits) joined us for a glass of wine (and low-key scrutiny...he passed).

We were up late our last night, and a bit tipsy on the wine, but Jenn was up early the next morning to head to the airport. I was sad to see her go. It was so great having her here and so easy to be around her. 

You can read Jenn's recaps of the eventful weekend on her blog.

The Annual Embarrassment

One of the "joys" of being a woman is annual gynecological check-ups.

One of the "joys" of a new job is new insurance and the necessity to get a new doctor because the previous one doesn't accept the new insurance.

Then there's finding a doc that is currently accepting new patients. And I narrow the field further because I only want to see a female doc after an embarrassing incident during college. After MANY phone calls, I finally find a female doc in my neighborhood who is still accepting my insurance and also will take a new patient. Great. Sign me up.

As I'm trying to get all my information at the ready (date of last period, brand of pills, etc.), I realize I'm going to an Asian woman, and she will likely be petite and will likely make a deal of my weight. Yay.

First, there are the questions about physical health and history. I got a raised eyebrows response when I told her I've been on the pill for 16 years. (The truth is 18 years, but 16 is what came out of my mouth...not sure why, but the raised eyebrows was definitely a reason to want to bend the truth further. Why don't they treat doctors about poker faces?) She then asked my age and [hopefully] realized that's not as bad as it initially sounds.

She had me stand on the scale and asked if I'd recently gained weight. Nope, it's been pretty steady, doc. (Actually, I've recently lost 2 lbs, but since that's not really a lot when the goal is much more, I didn't mention it. Although I considered fabricating that I've lost 20 lbs. to make my current weight seem not as bad...)

Then it's the lovely paper gown, opening in the front. She takes my blood pressure and tells me it's borderline. (I'm usually low.) Am I nervous, she asks? Are you kidding me?!*? I'm basically naked in front of a strange, petite woman. Yeah, I'm not exactly my most comfortable.

She makes small talk while she does the usual poking and prodding, and because of my age, the small talk is about mammography. Yes, I'm on the north side of 35, and a baseline mammogram is recommended anytime between now and 40. [Ugh.] She says my only risk factor is that I'm over 35 and haven't had kids. I mention this hasn't been by design, that I really want to have kids. She says, "you just have to be ready to settle down." Thanks. Actually, I AM ready to "settle down" (what a horrible phrase...as if I'm partying it up every night and can't be bothered to be a steady influence for a minor), I just haven't met the right guy yet. She asks if the guy I'm seeing might be the right one. Oh, that's right, I may have alluded that Friend-with-benefits is a steady guy I'm seeing for the past 6 months. Uh, too soon to tell.

And then, because the current conversation and the fact that I'm still in this awful blue paper gown isn't bad enough, she brings up the weight issue.

[Yeah, can we finish this conversation once I have my clothes back on?]

Spotlight, please

Karaoke. The word makes some people cringe, but it always gives me a thrill. I remember when I was first introduced to its hypnotizing power in college. Several local bars would hold weekly contests, and my fellow choir members and I would go in groups to try and win. I won several times: Sometimes the prize was dinner for two, once it was $50, and once just a lame t-shirt.

I went out with my new co-workers last week to bid farewell to one who has decided to take a new direction in his life. (Get out of the agency business? Who would ever consider leaving this?) We began at a nice bar not far from the office, but it soon became the site of an Obama rally, and while most of us were supporters of the candidate, we weren't thrilled with the prospect of listening to local organizers' speeches. We wandered over to a second place, which has A KARAOKE SYSTEM! Wee!!!

I sang Sweet Dreams (Patsy Cline), La Bamba and Something to Talk About (Bonnie Raitt). The sound system wasn't great, but I just can't pass up the opportunity to perform!

I know from family stories (and personal experience) that I get this personality trait from both sets of grandparents. My paternal grandfather was quite the entertainer in his small town, and my maternal grandmother still enjoys commanding the attention of others. Her vivaciousness is especially evident in her retirement community, and she recently has gained some local notoriety with her Wii bowling. (She's not familiar with the brand "Wii," but describes it to me as "very technological.")

You can see in this video that the camera loves her. Perhaps I'm biased, but I think she really shines in this local news piece. While on occasion my Grandma has embarrassed me, I am proud of her accomplishments (in Wii bowling) and her continued zest for life. I also realize I'm probably going to be just like her in my later years!

Hit Me Again, Matchmaker

So I never heard from Match #2 again. Not totally disappointed, as I didn't feel any physical attraction. To protect his identity, I've been referring to him among my friends as "Mr. Small Hands." I didn't blog about this previously, but during our meeting, he called attention to his hands, saying he had injured one in karate. We were both looking at his hands, and I noticed they were pretty small for a guy. Unfortunately, I have large hands for a girl (my uncle Joe used to say "these are football-catching hands!" not that I can do that), and I'd prefer a guy I date to have larger hands than me. If I have the bigger hands in the relationship, it makes me feel ungainly, butchy, and not very feminine.

So he never called again. And I'm okay with that.

And I just received Match #3! I'll be calling him soon to set up a meeting. From the brief email intro we get from the service, I know he's interested in "sports, dining out and music." Stay tuned...