Music - Our gift to Sudie

When my sisters and I were asked to sing at Sudie's memorial, we all wanted to do our best to honor her, but we were nervous that we hadn't sung together in many years and that you can't sing properly if you're crying. Fortunately, our previous singing came back to us, and we were able to keep the tears at bay long enough for the two songs, one at the church service and one at the gravesite. I asked my dad to record them if he could do so unobtrusively.

If you'd like to hear the songs, you can find them on my dad's blog. (Sorry, I'm too tired to figure out how to embed them here and must pack for a trip tomorrow.)

One More Time?

Why do we revisit or reconsider relationships from our past? I think sometimes the good memories stay with you more than the bad. And sometimes, especially during times of loneliness, you wonder if there is something worth salvaging. Or maybe it was the right person but the timing just wasn't right. Perhaps you didn't give the relationship a fair shot the first time around. And for me, I worry that I may throw in the towel too easily, run when things get tough, so I try again to make sure I'm not just avoiding conflict.

But I also tend to put more stock in my mind than my emotions. I trust thinking more than feeling. I understand (in theory) the importance of paying attention to those gut reactions, but I generally overthink things, rationalizing and reasoning away those pesky feelings.

I have another single friend (male) who told me you know, deep inside yourself, when something is right or not. I argued (of course), but what if I really don't know?

Or maybe it's just hard to shut the door on a relationship because in some way, it feels like admitting failure. Another one bites the dust. And it's always difficult to say goodbye.

Final thoughts on Amsterdam

Before I left for Amsterdam, I did a little online research. One of the things I learned about was olliebollen -- a fried bread with raisins that is a holiday specialty. I tried it twice, and it was very tasty!

My last full day in Amsterdam, GED and I went to the Rijksmuseum. That night for dinner, he cooked for me again, and again, I was so impressed with his cooking! One of the two dishes he made was so different than anything I'd ever eaten -- a tomato based sauce with hard-boiled eggs resting in it. I admit, I was a little hesitant and didn't think I'd like it, but I loved it!


GED told me he doesn't like pictures, and I got this shot of him treating me like intruding paparazzi. It makes me laugh.


But now that I've shared the best of all my photos, I guess I should address what I haven't: how I feel about it all. And part of the reason I've avoided doing so is because I'm not sure. There are definitely feelings on both sides, and we had an honest conversation about the very real challenges. The fact is, if we were to explore these feelings and potential relationship, we would need to live in the same city, in the same country. Because of his young children from a previous marriage, it would need to be me that moves. And it's a very difficult decision. Besides the obvious -- leaving my country, my culture, learning the Dutch language, being farther away from family and friends, leaving my job and the reputation I've built here -- there's also the fear of will this last? Am I ready to leave my singledom for a committed relationship? Is he? It's a lot to process. So, GED and I continue to talk, and while I'm not ready to close that door, I'm not ready to make a decision yet either. As he said when he saw I had tears in my eyes at the airport, "this is not goodbye."

What Goes Up...

My eyes are hazel, but they look mostly brown. But when I cry, they turn green.

I had all the best intentions of not falling for Aloha Guy, but sometime over the past weekend in Orlando, my emotions got the better of me. Unfortunately, I'm standing out here alone.

My reasons to him back in May and June for not getting more involved -- that he's recently divorced and lives thousands of miles away -- are now being echoed back to me. Of course, he's right. I was right when I said them then.

It still sucks.

What's worse? Being alone, or seeing what you could have and then being told you can't have it?

The past few months have been a rollercoaster in the dating life of this singleton, and I'm exiting the ride feeling completely wrung out.

Travel on the Horizon

My friend NM and I are beginning to establish a regular habit of getting together on Friday nights. We meet at happy hour after work, and swap stories over dinner and drinks. Last night, we had two weeks to catch up on, and we ended up effortlessly spending five hours together.

In the week I missed, her mother had a heart attack. She's doing well after quick hospital intervention and the placement of a stent, but NM was understandably shaken. She had been looking forward to a vacation to Paris with a girlfriend, who dropped out at the last minute, but now the timing seems fortuitous. The girl agreed to cover the change fee to move NM's flight reservation until the spring, but obviously, NM doesn't have any confidence that the girl will accompany her in the spring either and personally doesn't want to leave her mom at this time. When she mentioned her disappointment with her friend bailing, I jumped at the chance -- I've never been to Paris, thinking I'd wait until I had a romantic partner to go with, and have been envious of NM's descriptions of the city (she's been many times before). She was delighted, and we toasted to our upcoming trip!

For my part, I had to catch her up on Aloha Guy's visit. Despite the circumstances, I find myself missing him more than I should. The facts remain: he lives on the opposite side of the country, he's recently divorced, he won't move because of his children, and the only way this relationship could possibly work is if I moved (and I'm finally starting to feel settled here). And despite the fact that when he was here, I realized that although this is my real life and isn't his -- he's on vacation, away from his normal routine and responsibilities -- I must admit that no one has ever treated me as well as he does. And as much as I protest that I'm independent and don't NEED anyone, it's really nice to be treated so respectfully. I must admit I like it!

I'm trying to hold on to my rational, logical mind over my romantic tendencies.

I have plans to meet him next week in Orlando. Aloha Guy has a business trip and invited me to join him at the fantastic resort he's staying at. My job is to visit the spa and check out the pools, and accompany him in his off-time to Epcot. I'm looking forward to it for many reasons, including getting out of the city for a long weekend. And after this, I don't know when I'll see him again. Well, it will at least give me time to adjust to being independent again.

Cruel

So the last post was an attempt at foreshadowing. Is anyone curious what happened with Cuban Musician? (This happened several weeks ago, but I needed time before I could talk/write about it.)

CM travels often for various gigs, getting jobs in London, Miami, Connecticut. One week he was in the Dominican Republic. He sent me text messages throughout the week, letting me know he'd be back on Saturday. He has a standing gig in NYC on Saturday at a place in the East Village, so I texted him that I would see him there.

When I arrived, the place was not as crowded as usual. CM was playing when I walked in, and instead of the usual big smile, he had a strange look on his face when he saw me. I tried not to worry too much about it and made my way to the bar, saying hi to people I knew from my many previous times there.

As I talked to one old guy, a regular who is also a great dancer, he mentioned that he couldn't remember my name but knew I was the one with CM.

A girl who was sitting next to him at the bar turned around and introduced herself. She asked me what he meant by the comment "with CM." I explained we were dating, and she asked me "What do you mean, dating?" Thinking this was strange, I said, "You know, dating. We've had dinners together..."

She asked me again to clarify, and then explained, "I'm asking what do you mean by dating because I'm his WIFE."

You could have knocked me over with a feather. TOTAL SHOCK.

(Just in case you were wondering, yes, I asked him when I first met him, "Are you married? Have you ever been married?" to which he answered No to both. And after dating him for 2 months, he started telling me he loved me. I wasn't ready to feel that, let alone say that back, but it was obvious from what he said and how he treated me that he was getting serious. Or so I thought.)

I immediately stammered out an apology to this woman, explaining I had NO IDEA he was married and never would have gotten involved with him if I had. She asked me a barrage of questions, like how long had we been dating, before the band took a break and she motioned him to come over.

Just as she finished asking him, "Have you been dating this girl?" I walked out and caught a cab home.

Stunned, in complete shock, I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. I kept running the conversation with her and all the times I had spent with CM through my mind. He had never hidden me, rather introducing me to all his friends and being openly affectionate in public.

I kept thinking, How could you? How could you be so cruel? Why even say you loved me? And knowing I was coming to the show, why didn't you text me and say you were sick, or not playing that night?

No answers. And I haven't heard from him. Not that I want to. I'm no longer devastated. Just angry. I'm disgusted at his behavior to her, and to me. I'm furious he put me in this situation and told me bald-faced LIES. And I'm mad at myself for believing him.

Pulling at the Heartstrings

One of my coworkers is out on maternity leave. She came by the office today with her perfect, gorgeous little daughter Phoebe.

As we all crowded around and "oohed" and "ahhed" over this precious little one, no one reached out to hold her. I went and washed my hands just in case I could get the opportunity. The mom offered, and everyone shrinked back, saying they were too nervous to hold such a newbie (she's one month). The mom looked at me, and of course, I told her I'd love to hold her.

Newborns are so easy to hold, they mold up against you and snuggle in. Phoebe was such a sweetie and slept the whole time I held her. When I changed her position, she would reach her arms above her head and arch her back in a stretch but kept her eyes closed the whole time. She made sweet little grunts and coos and smelled so sweet. Her skin was soft as only newborns' skin can be.

As much as I try and convince myself I've got it great with 5 nieces and nephews, I would so love to have a little newborn of my own. It was wonderful to get to spend a few minutes with such a sweet baby girl. And such a welcome break in my busy day.

An Amazing Visit

When it rains, it pours, the saying goes. And it certainly has been an unusual week for me.

Just days after Aloha Guy left, I got another visitor. This one had been planned for some time, but I didn't want to write about it beforehand. I wanted to see how it would go first.

Nearly nine years ago, I had a relationship with a guy from Holland. I fell madly in love with this Green-Eyed Dutchman, but he ended up breaking my heart. Of course, now I can understand why he chose what he did at the time (he had a daughter and decided to try to make it work with her mother), but it was a terrible time for me when it ended. Over the last nine years, we've kept in touch sporadically, an occasional phone call or email every couple years or so. But each of us has been going through various relationships, and when he got in touch with me a few months ago, it was the first time we were both unattached and single at the same time. 

We both were curious to see if there were any feelings still left between us, and agreed we should see each other. He now lives in Barcelona, and neither of us had been to the other's city before. We decided he should come to NYC because as a European he has much more vacation time than I do, the flights were cheaper coming this way then the reverse, and I felt he owed me after the ending nine years ago.

For the past four days, I've been playing tour guide, and we saw all the famous sites including Times Square, Central Park, Rockefeller Center, 5th Avenue, Grand Central, the United Nations building, the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty, the Brooklyn Bridge, Little Italy, Soho and the West Village. It was so easy to be with the Green-Eyed Dutchman again, and exciting, too. There are definitely strong feelings between us, but neither one of us is ready to make a decision about what to do next.

He told me I look great (so glad I've been losing weight and training for the tri!) and that I seem like a stronger person now, not just physically but emotionally too. He looks older, but not much different than before, and he seems wiser and more grounded than years ago. We talked about everything and nothing. He annoyed me with the way he loves to pick fights about different things, but we also had some great laughs, comfortable silences, and romantic evenings. I cried to see him go, but I'm hopeful to see him in a few months or so with him playing tour guide in Barcelona.

A bit lonely

Friday nights always seem to be the worst when I'm lonely. I guess I equate Friday nights with "date night," and it just seems pathetic to spend it on my couch with my cat and a half-bottle of wine.

And I know I'm thinking too much when I start to read stuff into stupid commercials, but... I just saw one for a jeweler in preparation for Valentine's Day (which I'm SO looking forward to) which stated something about "if your heart is open, love will always come in."

Well, what if your heart is open, and all that happens is that love flows out? I'm feeling a bit unbalanced in the heart department.

Remember that book about Love Languages? My primary love language is touch. I start to feel extreme loneliness when I go days without feeling human touch. I think that's why I've been getting so many massages lately, in addition to the reason that my neck and shoulders have been killing me. Even though I have to pay for it, as least it's human contact. Although it doesn't quite fit the bill -- it's not like bumping into people in the subway or shaking peoples' hands in business fill the void -- but it's as close as I have, now.

The crappy thing is...FWB was my best friend here, as well as my "boyfriend." Now I'm back to square one. (And I'm not going to call him. I'm not even tempted. I'm just sad, grieving the loss of my friend.)

Mixed Up

It's Monday, which means I only have four days to work until I leave for the holidays and visiting family and friends. I'm excited to be taking a break and to get to see those who I love so much, but I can't believe it's here so soon! With Thanksgiving being so late this year, I feel like I have not had enough time to prepare for Christmas. I still have a couple gifts left to purchase/create, and although I bought Christmas cards this weekend, I haven't opened the box yet to begin addressing them.

On Friday, I finally got to meet some of FWB's friends. We went out in Jersey to a bar where his friend was playing in the band. FWB was invited to perform with them for one song, and he was great! I was so proud. He told me afterwards that his friends liked me and said I was "adorable." [I know it's a positive word, but it kinda makes me want to gag.]

On Saturday night, he went with me to a party thrown by a client of mine. He did great, talking to these people he doesn't know, and I was impressed again. I tried to tell him so on the way back to the city, but he pulled back again, explaining again how he's not ready for anything serious. All I wanted to say was that I like how it is right now. It's not like I'm wanting him to move in! I got kinda choked up. I feel like every time I try to tell him I like him (not LOVE), he pulls back and it makes me feel unwanted, left in the cold. So I'm trying not to like him too much, because I think he has a greater chance of hurting me than I do of hurting him.

I feel a bit beat up today. Physically and emotionally. On Friday, I fell down his apartment stairs on the way to meet his friends, and my ankle is still killing me, plus today I woke up with a cold.

Impetuousness vs. Caution

Nothing new to report on the dating scene. [sigh] Every few weeks, I feel the need to have a "where are we" discussion with FWB, but nothing's really changed. He did say he "adores me." While that was wonderful to hear, it was still in a friendly sort of way.

I asked him what he thought about me dating other people. He said he wouldn't ask me not to, that he couldn't ask me to wait for him because he didn't know when (or if?) things would change for him, for him to be ready to take it to the next level, so to speak.

I don't really want to see other people, but I'm thinking maybe that will help me maintain some distance from FWB. But I feel a little guilty about it, even though I asked him about it.

I know I have a tendency to throw myself into things. Sometimes this doesn't work so well: my past marriages being obvious examples. Moving to NYC is another example in a non-romantic way. It's been much more difficult than I thought it would be, and I'm not sure I totally thought it completely through before acting. But it's also been good in many ways. I've definitely grown personally, and professionally it's been very positive. I recognize that I make decisions quickly, and I also know that it doesn't always work out well. But that's me. I can admire others' more thorough processes, and although it does sometimes make me impatient, in matters of the heart, being cautious may protect them from getting hurt. I'm usually willing to jump in with both feet, putting my heart out there, and on more than one occasion, I've been devastated by the results. But somehow I still believe in the possibility of love, and feel that it's worth the risk. Guess I'm a romantic!