Cruise Memories

I got back late last night after a fantastic 7-day cruise. I'm still a bit exhausted, as the first night back after being gone so long, my cat Sabrina insists on waking me several times through the night to give her attention.

The Caribbean was gorgeous and warm. Back in NYC, it still seems like winter. 

The cruise was especially fun because my niece Anna (soon-to-be-eight) and nephew Colin (5) were so excited about every little thing. It was all new to them, and it was fun seeing things through their eyes. Plus, they usually wanted to sit next to me or hold my hand. I love holding their sweet, soft little hands in mine.

Our first port of call was Cozumel, Me

xico. We adults had all been there before, and we had decided to spend the day snorkeling at the Chankanab park. The water was absolutely spectacular -- such beautiful blues and turquoise that were a feast for the eyes. Anna took to snorkeling easily, but Colin decided the mask wasn't for him. He said he likes to breathe out his nose. :-)

After several hours of viewing the many varieties of fish, and after consuming some beer and lime, we headed into town for a bite of lunch before returning to the boat. 

The next day, we were in George Town, Grand Cayman. Jenn, Anthony, the kids and I wanted to go to Sting Ray City, a sandbar just 20 minutes out on a boat that is shallow and

 frequented by many sting rays. Mom & Dad had been there before and decided to spend the day in town, walking and shopping. Sting Ray City was awesome. The beautiful green water was shallow enough that the kids could easily stand, and of course, the water was so clear, you could easily see through to the sandy floor and see the shadowy figures of the sting rays as they approached. Jenn, Anna and I each kissed a sting ray on its nose -- supposedly giving us each 7 years good luck -- and Jenn and I each took turns holding a female sting ray on our flattened forearms. She was at

 least three feet across and actually quite heavy.

 The sting rays are used to being touched and fed by the many tour guides, and as long as you kept their gills under the water, they were content to be held.

Our next port of call was Montego Bay, Jamaica, and when we docked, we were happy to see we didn't have to "tender" -- take a small boat -- to the island like we did at Grand Cayman. Also, where Grand Cayman is a very flat island, Jamaica has beautiful mountains that were covered in greenery. A reggae band played music as we disembarked, and Jenn found us a bus to the beach Doctors Cave. Of course, the tour guide on the bus tried to sell us on a city tour or at 

the very least a return ride to the boat, but we didn't want to be tied down to a particular time. After all, we're on vacation! We don't want to be on a time schedule, other than the one the cruise ship gave us for getting back before they depart. We rented umbrellas, and the kids loved this beach. The sand was soft and not too hot. Anna got her hair braided, and then Anthony and I rented jet skis and each took a kid. I first had Anna, then we switched and I got Colin. Each one just giggled with glee the whole time! It was great fun.

Jenn found us a cab driver that seemed trustworthy, and he turned out to be a great guy, not too sales-y and very helpful. He took us to a place we could get jerk chicken, and we ate that as well as buying a "young" coconut. We drank the coconut water, learning that it doesn't turn to milk until later in the aging process. Colin couldn't get enough of the water or the pulp.

Our last couple days were at sea, and there were many activities for the adults and the kids. There were many things I would have done if I'd had more time, but I also wanted to just lay on a recliner and read my book, enjoying the ocean views.

There's more to tell -- I met a guy! -- but that's enough for one post, don't ya think?

And We're Off!

Tomorrow, my parents, my sister Jenn, her husband Anthony, their kids Anna & Colin, and I embark on our 7-day Caribbean cruise!

Don't know how much I'll be blogging from sea...depends on how much internet access costs, how busy we are, and if I feel like blogging. :-)

I'm sure there will be many pictures and stories to share next week. Until then...

Beautiful Sight

I got home just in time to catch the last few seconds of a magnificent sunset.

Although I don't have the great camera my bro-in-law Anthony does, I hope these give you some idea of the beautiful colors.

A Night Out in NYC

I read a really good article in my Oprah magazine about being open to new experiences and chance encounters...similar to one of the comments to my last post.

On Friday, my cousin Rob who attends West Point came to the city to celebrate his 21st birthday. He asked me to meet him and his friends for dinner at a restaurant in Little Italy that caters to military guys and West Point cadets. Getting off the subway and walking to the place, I was immersed in Chinatown. It's amazing how it feels like a different country. First, I had to walk through the vendors hawking most-likely-illegal wares. There was a guy saying "Rolexrolexrolexrolex" without pause. (I tried to repeat it and found it to be a tongue-twister!) Then you pass the different markets, and there are so many fruits, vegetables and other things that I can't identify. At a corner, I waited for the light to change and noticed I'm the tallest woman by head and shoulders. I was surrounded by petite Asian women, and although I don't comprehend what they are saying, I love listening to the sing-song language.

And just another block down, I'm in Little Italy. Rob and three of his buddies showed up soon after, and we had a good meal with Italian wine. Rob let me tell a few embarrassing stories about him as a child, and afterwards, we headed upstairs to a "members only" lounge that all West Point cadets are allowed to join to hang out and smoke cigars. (Although the ventilation in the room was very good, everything I was wearing reeks of cigar smoke. Ick!)

We sat on a group of couches and chairs that only had three other guys. Introductions were made, and we learned that these three men were an actor, a cameraman for films, and an entertainment lawyer who also owns his own record label. We started talking about singing, and they asked me to sing something. I sang just one verse of a song and it was well received. The guy in the music business started telling me about different restaurants and jazz clubs around town where anyone can get up and sing, and they encouraged me to go with them to one later that night. Then, someone from another group in the lounge came over and asked if I would come sing to their group! I was flattered and sang for them (Sweet Dreams, a Patsy Cline favorite of mine).

Rob and the other cadets headed back to Grand Central to catch a train back north -- they didn't get weekend passes and just came for the evening -- so I left with the other guys to the restaurant/jazz club. I sang When I Fall in Love (Nat King Cole) with the band and agreed to meet them again sometime.

It was a blast! I stayed out much later than I had anticipated, and I probably had a little too much wine, but it was the most fun I've had in a while.

Worth Waiting For

There's a saying that anything worth having is worth waiting for. And on the flip side, anything that comes too easily is not as valued.

Last Friday, we had our first day of almost-spring-like weather. It got to 59*F and was really gorgeous. I took a long walk at lunch and just soaked up the sun and enjoyed not feeling windburn.

Yesterday, we got a record snowstorm, and eight inches of snow dumped on Manhattan. It's beautiful and white (except for the slushy gray parts on the streets and corners), but it's freezing. This morning it is 16*F (-8*C) but feels like -1*F (-18*C) with the wind chill. When I came out of the subway and inhaled, my lungs protested the cold air, forcing me to cough. I'm really ready for Spring, and I'm so looking forward to my upcoming Caribbean cruise with my parents and Jenn and family.

I've been struggling with keeping my dream alive, the dream of finding someone to spend my life with and have my own kids. With every tick-tock of the biological clock, I feel like the door is closing. And with my past history, even if I met someone today, I would want to spend enough time with him to feel secure about my decision before changing our lives forever with children. The realist in me takes stock of all the blessings I have, and I know I can find happiness and fulfillment in other ways. But the romantic in me is still clinging to the dream. Is it futile? Only time will tell.

Recharged

Since the whole FWB ending, I've been lying low, just trying to regroup and soothe my wounded ego. It's been fine: I'm exercising almost daily, catching up on my reading and doing little things to pamper myself. But I do miss male company.

This week, I was very fortunate to get taken to lunch by one of my vendors and out to drinks & appetizers by another. The lunch was just a one-on-one, and I really enjoyed our conversation. I've been talking to this guy for over a year, strictly platonic. He's married with two adorable girls. He reminded me not to give up on my dream of finding someone but to value the freedom being single gives me.

The happy hour was with a group of my colleagues from work and a group from the vendor. Without planning it, we realized it was Fat Tuesday, and the swanky bar we met at had live jazz playing in the background and festive purple, green and gold beads strung about. The conversation was great, and I enjoyed talking to one guy in particular. Again, not really a flirty conversation, just intellectually stimulating. (He's in a committed relationship.)

Both of these encounters were very simple, easy, and not at all sexually charged. But I left each feeling recharged, and enjoying the pleasant exchange of thoughts and ideas. Maybe I'm ready to get out there again...

Music to Soothe the Soul

A little over a year ago, I mentioned the idea of a choir to the minister at my church and we started one. Our organist is our leader, and his talent and encouragement have made us into a pretty decent group.

Yesterday we performed our most ambitious music to date: a Latin cantata by Buxtehude and a women's-only piece titled Snow. Both were accompanied by violins.

The cantata was a bit of a struggle, but we got through the 8 minute piece without anyone in the congregation knowing where we missed an entrance or added an extra harmony note. But the Snow...! It was incredible. We had five women, two altos and three sopranos, and we were so in tuned with each other. The unison parts sounded like one voice, and then we would break into harmony in perfect rhythm. The song is very haunting, going from a minor key to major then ending back in the minor. The violins added complexity, and at times it sounded to me like part of a movie soundtrack. When we ended, the sound floated down to a hushed audience, and I found I was shaking. It was so good, and it was so great to be a part of it!

I corralled everyone into taking a picture after our mid-winter potluck lunch, but two people had already left. The gentleman in the middle is Earl, our director and accompanist.

My New Crush

Been spending time with my digitally recorded TV shows lately, and I must admit I have a big crush on Damian Lewis. He first came to my attention in Band of Brothers, and I'm enjoying watching him each week on Life. Too bad he's married.












I also think Jason O'Mara in Life on Mars is pretty cute. (Also married.)











Not that I have a chance of meeting these famous actors anyway. But I do enjoy watching them!

***

Ha ha...after I posted this, and looked at the layout on my blog, I realize my picture on the left is gazing directly at the pictures of these handsome men!

V-Day is Over!

Long time no post...partially due to the fact that I was trying to ignore Valentine's Day. I was hoping that with it being on a Saturday this year, I could just hibernate through it without calling attention to my singleness, but on Friday, flowers kept arriving here at the office for various girls around me. At the end of the day, I got an IM from a fellow singleton here remarking about the plethora of flowers for seemingly everyone but us.

On Saturday, I planned a quiet day and evening, but although I knew my cousin Rob was coming in from West Point and meeting me for lunch, I wasn't expecting to spend the whole day and evening with him. He was bemoaning the fact that he doesn't have a girlfriend and is at a school with few women, and I was trying to encourage him while being in the same, if not worse, situation myself.

I did finally get some time to myself yesterday for self-pampering. I went shopping with my favorite companion -- my debit card -- and stimulated the local economy while getting some really cute outfits for my upcoming cruise. I was thrilled to buy several smaller-sized items, and just enjoyed the saleswoman's comment that "everything looks great on you" even though I know she's trying to make a sale. Nothing like some retail therapy to perk a girl up!

The Rest of the Weekend

Don't worry, my weekend got better. Friday was just a low point. (Blame it on hormones.)

We had some milder temperatures this weekend with lots of sunshine, and I walked around until I couldn't walk anymore. (My right hip has been acting up, shifting out of alignment due to slight scoliosis, and although the chiropractor adjustments help, it keeps falling out of place.)

Our church choir (all ten of us) are preparing to do a Cantata and special womens-only piece in two weeks. The music is very challenging for our group, but it's starting to sound so good. We practice after the church service, and I've realized this is my favorite part of the week. We also have cassette tapes of the music to practice with at home, and when I start to sing along with the tape, my cat Sabrina howls along with me. (It's a bit disconcerting but also funny.)

And I saw my NJ friend Kelly yesterday. Her pregnant belly is beautiful, round and full. We haven't seen each other since early December, and she remarked that my face looks thinner. :-) Love that!

A bit lonely

Friday nights always seem to be the worst when I'm lonely. I guess I equate Friday nights with "date night," and it just seems pathetic to spend it on my couch with my cat and a half-bottle of wine.

And I know I'm thinking too much when I start to read stuff into stupid commercials, but... I just saw one for a jeweler in preparation for Valentine's Day (which I'm SO looking forward to) which stated something about "if your heart is open, love will always come in."

Well, what if your heart is open, and all that happens is that love flows out? I'm feeling a bit unbalanced in the heart department.

Remember that book about Love Languages? My primary love language is touch. I start to feel extreme loneliness when I go days without feeling human touch. I think that's why I've been getting so many massages lately, in addition to the reason that my neck and shoulders have been killing me. Even though I have to pay for it, as least it's human contact. Although it doesn't quite fit the bill -- it's not like bumping into people in the subway or shaking peoples' hands in business fill the void -- but it's as close as I have, now.

The crappy thing is...FWB was my best friend here, as well as my "boyfriend." Now I'm back to square one. (And I'm not going to call him. I'm not even tempted. I'm just sad, grieving the loss of my friend.)

Random Thoughts & Snowy Pictures

Why is it that when you lose a sock or an earring, you only lose one? For me, especially if it's a pair of earrings that I really like, I hold on to the one I have left, hoping the missing one will turn up. As I've been "cleaning house" -- sorting through and weeding out stuff I don't need -- I'm having a hard time throwing away these onesies. I think, I really liked this pair of earrings, and what if I throw this away and then find the missing one? At the end of the day, though, it's just earrings, and I usually find a way to part with it.

***

Facebook is a great tool for keeping up with hundreds of friends and former colleagues, but lately, I've been getting several friend requests from people who went to the same high schools I did. (I attended two, as we moved from Midland to Houston in the middle of my junior year.) In the vast majority of cases, I don't remember these people! It's a bit unnerving to me that I honestly have no recollection of them, and presumably they do of me.

***

Having spent the past 7-8 years of my life watching my weight go up and down the scale, my wardrobe has gone through many different sizes, from an 8 to 14. As I'm now coming back down again (hooray! thank goodness! it's working!), I'm reluctant to let go of the larger sized clothes. Not that I'm emotionally attached to them, but I fear that I will go back up again. I've also considered having them tailored, but I also worry about regaining the weight and possibly popping the stitches!

***

It snowed ALL DAY yesterday. My desk is by a window, on the 16th floor of our building, and I watched the small flakes come down, swishing this way and that. Not much stuck, and the City is so good at salting and sanding the streets and sidewalks that this morning, the snow is only left on rooftops and grassy areas. But I took a few pictures yesterday afternoon in City Hall Park. I'm really pleased with how they came out. It looks like the winter wonderland I was walking in, and the falling snow shows in the images, too.

Anti-Superbowl Evening

I'm not a huge fan of football. I was, at one time. Football is big in Texas, and I spent high school and college faithfully going to the games and cheering on my team. But after awhile, I guess I got burned out on it.

Of course, it's fun to watch with a group. But I didn't get any invitations to a Superbowl party, and rather than wallow in self-pity, I decided to make an appointment at a spa for some "me time."

I really enjoy spas. I like the steam room, sauna, hot showers, and of course, the services. I was scheduled for a massage and manicure. I was in desperate need of the massage after waking up on Friday with a very stiff neck and shoulders. Apparently, I had slept on it funny, and all my muscles were bunched up and hurting. The massage therapist was great and worked on all the kinks, improving my range of motion.

Then I went home and made some lettuce wraps, opened a bottle of wine, and watched a movie, La Vie en Rose. Halfway through, my phone beeps, a text message.

From FWB. "U still not talking to me?"

I thought of several choice things I could say but decided not to respond at all. I'm still so angry about the whole thing. Obviously, he misses talking to me, but I think he just wants me to be there for his emotional support. I'm realizing he's much more selfish than I originally thought. He can't even respect my request for time and space!

Baggage

A few years ago, after a break-up, my mom suggested I try to find someone without baggage. I replied that we all have baggage -- I know I certainly do -- it's just whether you've dealt with it or not.

A good friend of mine, who is a lurker on my blog but prefers to send her comments and encouragement privately via email, explained it another way. I think she's got it figured out and so enjoyed her take on it, I wanted to share:

It is my hope that people who know they have baggage (me included) take the scary steps needed to work on it, try to trust and love again, and get back to LIVING life their way and not in the shadow of an experience with someone else. Much easier said than done, as we both well know. It is also my feeling that someone with “extra” baggage either be willing to pay the heavy bag fee or offload some of that crap and just take a carry-on.

I totally agree. The airlines are now charging for checked luggage, encouraging carry-ons. That's going to be my new policy, too!

Some Enchanted Evening

I had a lovely time last night with my surprise visitors -- my sister Steph and her daughter Paige, who is 5 1/2. Paige called me as soon as their plane landed. She was so excited to be here on her special trip with Mommy.

I met them for an early dinner at Gramercy Tavern, which is conveniently located close to my office. While Steph and I enjoyed a lovely bottle of wine, Paige was thrilled to enjoy a Coke! (A very rare treat.) She called it her "beer," and the effects were almost immediate. She was buzzing from the sugar and caffeine. Of course, it was all part of Steph's plan to help Paige stay up through the Broadway show!

We went to see South Pacific, and the talent was fantastic. From the orchestra to the performers, the costumes and the sets, everything was breathtakingly beautiful. And Paige was such a trooper! We only saw two other children there, and she was definitely the youngest. Poor baby had gotten up at 4:45 a.m. that day to catch the plane, and she definitely got a zombie look through the performance. But she was completely well-behaved and everyone around us commented on her poise and maturity. And she was entranced enough in the story to stick it out until the end.

During one of the opening numbers, a group of guys dressed as sailors sing "There is Nothing Like a Dame." We had incredible seats -- even the usher said they were his favorite seats in the house! They were situated on Row F in the orchestra and were overlooking a stairway where the performers would enter and exit. This meant no one was directly in front of us! During the "Dame" song, at one point, all the guys turned in our direction and seemed to be singing directly to us. I swear I caught eyes with one cute guy, and he continued to sing while maintaining my gaze. I felt my face go hot (I'm sure I was red) and it seemed to go on for several somewhat-uncomfortable minutes. I can't remember the last time I blushed, but it was such a powerful experience. I love Broadway! I love the talent, the live performance, the energy you get from the performers and even from the other patrons around you. I like the smaller theaters where you feel almost a part of the action.

All in all, quite an "enchanted evening," to borrow one of the popular songs from the show.

Sometimes You Need a Good Laugh

I had dinner with some great girlfriends tonight at Anthos. It's a fancy Greek restaurant with fabulous food and beautiful presentation. 

I've been so down lately, and that doesn't inspire me to write much. Plus, I don't think it makes for great reading either!

But one of my girlfriends has been blogging, using her great sense of humor and pointing out the ridiculous in everyday life. It makes me laugh out loud, so I thought I'd give her a shout out. Check it out at Seriously? I Mean Really. 

Ready for a New Week

I had a quiet weekend, so I got a lot of things done around the apt. I filed, sorted and recycled a lot of paper, painted my finger- and toenails, and played on my Wii. It makes exercising so much easier and fun. I'm now down a total of 14 lbs. from where I started. And the upcoming family cruise is a good motivator.

My dad has graciously offered to take us on a Caribbean cruise. We leave on March 15th from Galveston, then on to Cozumel, Grand Cayman and Jamaica. Wee! Although the thought of putting on a bathsuit is a bit frightening, it does keep me focused on my diet and exercise.

I've been trying to keep busy so as not to ruminate too much on things, and I have dinner with some girlfriends scheduled tomorrow night to take advantage of NYC's Restaurant Week. On Wednesday, I actually had four offers for drinks/dinners! Crazy. The winner is my niece Paige, who will be coming up for a special mom-daughter trip with my sister Steph that day.

25 Random Things

I received this meme through Facebook and decided to leverage the content for my blog as well.

1. I was born in NYC, although we left when I was 18 months or so. I moved back here in 2007.
2. I moved around a lot as a kid. The list of where I was raised is: NYC, Dallas, Cincinnati, St. Louis, Dallas, Midland, Houston then off to college.
3. My hazel eyes are usually mostly brown but turn bright green when I cry or my eyes are irritated.
4. I've been coloring my hair for the past 15 years. Currently, it's blonde.
5. I love to sing and perform. My biggest audience was over 8,000 when I sang the National Anthem at a Race for the Cure event in Plano, TX.
6. I am the middle child of three girls.
7. I am the proud auntie of 5 adorable, intelligent and loving kids: Anna (7), Colin (5), Paige (5), Graham (5) and Evelyn (1.5)
8. I've survived countless bad relationships and 2 divorces.
9. I have played the violin, clarinet and piano, although I currently just play my iPod.
10. I used to be near-sighted but had Lasik when I turned 30.
11. I used to own (and ride) a sports-bike, a Suzuki SV 650.
12. I'm not a morning person.
13. When I was 6, I had an operation to repair a hernia.
14. My degree is in health education, although I have taken it into a very different direction than I originally thought.
15. I always thought I would be a stay-at-home mom.
16. I still hope to have kids of my own.
17. I drink more English tea than coffee.
18. I really enjoy good food with good wine, and even better if there's someone to share it with.
19. I'm generally an extrovert and can talk to just about anyone.
20. I enjoy my alone time, too.
21. I prefer savory foods to sweet ones.
22. I've struggled with my weight, but it's currently headed in the right direction.
23. I've completed 2 adventure races and 2 triathlons with the encouragement & support of my big sister Jennifer.
24. I haven't figured out what I want to be when I grow up yet.
25. With the encouragement of friends, I've been writing a book and finding it to be quite a challenge! (It may turn out to be more of a pamphlet!)

WTF?

In my break-up conversation with FWB, we agreed to be friends. I figured that meant some time of silence, to heal and distance ourselves from what was, before resuming contact.

I got one and a half days of silence.

Since then it's been text messages and emails, comments on Facebook and phone calls. I've responded to some, but it's really bothering me. Of course, they are only friendly. But part of what sucks about this is that he decided not to be in a relationship with me. He said he couldn't give me what I want (time, appreciation). That's a bit of a blow to hear, no matter what. I guess he honestly didn't have any feelings for me other than friendship (anyone remember "he's just not that into you"?), so for him it's no big deal.

Snow

It's snowing today, and I'm at home to enjoy it (off for the MLK holiday). 

I ran some errands earlier and walked around in it. I'm still fascinated by the snow. It's so light, it floats down to earth, sometimes floating sideways before turning back downwards. How it muffles the sounds of the city, and how it makes everything look clean and new.

Two songs came to my mind. The first is from "The Sound of Music:"

"...snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes,

silver white winters that turn into spring,

these are a few of my favorite things."

And in choir, we are practicing some of our most challenging songs yet. Our choir director chose one song just for the women called "The Snow:" (it's in a minor key and hauntingly beautiful)

"O snow, which sinks so light,

Brown earth is hid from sight,

O soul, be thou as white,

As white, be thou as white as snow.

O snow, which falls so slow,

Dear earth quite warm below;

O heart, so keep thy glow

Beneath the snow.

O snow, thou art white no more,

Thy sparkling too, is over.

O soul, be as before,

Was bright, be as before

Was bright the snow.

Then as the snow all pure, all pure

O heart be, but endure;

Through all the years full sure,

Not as the snow, not as the snow."

When One Door Closes...

I decided to end it with FWB. I realized during this week of emotional ups and downs that several of my needs weren't being met in this relationship. Although we had scheduled time to meet a couple times, he cancelled, so I finally just called him on the phone.

First we talked about the incident with my big mouth. In retrospect, it wasn't a huge thing that I said. I took responsibility for it but also told him I shouldn't be treated like a pariah for one small mistake. Then I told him I've been thinking about our relationship and that it's not working for me. It's always been about him: how he's feeling, if he's available, he needs to take things slow. What about my needs? I told him he never compliments me and that I feel like I'm just "convenient" for him. I told him I want to be adored, I want someone who wants to spend time with me. After initially being defensive and saying if I had enough self-confidence I wouldn't need compliments, he agreed that he's been selfish, but he needs to just focus on him now. He also admitted he can't do what I need, so we agreed to just be friends. I told him I need to look out for me, just like he's looking out for himself.

It was a pretty good conversation. Neither one of us raised our voices, and I think we both got a chance to share our point of view. I'm a little sad that I won't be seeing him as much, but I also feel good that I stood up for my self and admitted I deserve more.

Interesting Tidbits

Alright, enough of the drama. Here's some other interesting things that I've done or seen this week.

On Monday and half of Tuesday, I was in Washington, D.C. for work. The city was getting ready for Obama's inauguration this coming Tuesday, and one of the funniest things was the WALL of port-a-potties along the Mall. There were hundreds of them!

From there, I flew to Chicago, also for work, and of course, where Obama recently departed. They are so proud that "one of their own" is going to be leading the country.

Of course, Chicago is a cold city in the winter, and while I was there, a new storm system blew in bringing with it lots of snow and the coldest air Chicago has seen in more than a decade. I was glad to leave, even though my flight was delayed a few hours. I had to get back to NYC before the storm hit here.

So today, the Weather Channel is telling me that while it's 12*F out there, it feels like -3*F with the wind chill. Brr!!! I'm thankful for my "puffy coat," which is filled with down and keeps me quite warm. Boots, gloves, hat and scarf complete the outfit, and the coldest part of me is my face.

Last night, I had a wonderful dinner with two dear friends -- former coworkers who have become great friends. It doesn't hurt that they are both attractive men who shower me with compliments either! It does the soul good. (And before you get any great ideas, they are both married with beautiful families.) One of them has a potential suitor for me, and I think I'm going to take him up on the offer to meet. Why not? FWB has definitely pulled back. I haven't seen him since last Saturday, before this whole thing, and when I asked about this weekend, he was noncommittal but mentioned plans with friends.

You know how they say things happen in three's? Three of my girlfriends are pregnant, all due between May and July. So far, I've learned two of them are expecting girls, and I'm gearing up to make them all quilts. That should keep me busy!

Like Tupperware

Sometimes when it rains it pours. It's tough when you've got stresses going on in both work and personal, but there's nothing really to do but muddle through it the best you can.

I'm touched and grateful for all the recent comments and off-site emails I've received during the drama of the past few days. It's very helpful to me to get outside perspectives, like seeing an issue through different lenses.

I'm still not sure how this will end, or if this is the beginning of "The End," but I know I'm resilient, like tupperware. I've survived my share of heartaches and heartbreaks, and I know I will get through this. It just sucks to be in the middle of it.

FWB still calls me like usual. Most of our "relationship" is over the phone. If nothing else, I hope we can always be friends. To be honest, I'm not sure what I want this to be. I haven't  decided if I want to make a Commitment to him, but I didn't (and don't) want it to end abruptly for something stupid I did. 

We'll See...

He said he needed time to cool down. He accepted my apology but admitted it makes him pull back. He's been so scarred from a past relationship that he's been very reticent to trust anyone, and we've been taking this whole thing so slowly, I don't know if we can go any slower without coming to a complete stop.

So we'll see. Time will tell if he truly forgives me and can get past this or if there will be an unbalance to the relationship.

Stay Tuned

Thanks to all of you for your thoughtful and supportive comments.

Last night, he was so angry he couldn't [or wouldn't] speak to me. But this morning, he called me and told me to let him know when my plane landed, like we usually do. (I'm travelling for the next several days.) He asked to talk later tonight, which may not happen tonight due to a long evening here with work. But at least he'll talk to me.

Learning the Hard Way

Life is all about making mistakes, right? And hopefully learning from them.

I have made plenty in my life, and some I've had to make more than once before learning the lesson. Unfortunately, those learnings don't prevent one from making brand new mistakes.

I'm horribly embarrassed to admit that I f***ed things up with FWB. Just when it was all going so well...

On New Year's Eve, by the end of the evening, I had had several drinks. I wasn't so drunk that I got sick, but apparently I said some things that were to be kept in confidence to one of FWB's friends. FWB is furious and completely [and justifiably] disappointed with me. I don't remember the conversation, but no matter -- the damage is done.

And I have no one but myself to blame.

FWB Update

I know I owe you all an update on FWB.

While I was away over Christmas (10 days in Texas), he called me every day, sometimes twice a day.

He invited me to join him and several friends for New Year's Eve. We went to dinner at an Italian restaurant in Jersey that lets you to bring your own wine, so each couple brought 2 bottles. The service was slow, but it wasn't all bad, allowing us time to talk and enjoy the wine. After dinner, we went to a local bar where they know the owner and bartenders. There were only a handful of people at the bar, so our party of 9 was probably a welcome sight. We watched the ball drop at Times Square on the jumbo screens and all agreed we'd rather be in a cozy bar than out in the weather which was zero degrees and surrounded by strangers pushing in on all sides.

On New Year's Day, FWB took me to a typical New Jersey diner. The food was good, and the patron watching was amazing. There are reasons why movies portray people from NJ the way they do! We spent the day watching movies and just hanging out. It's the longest we've ever spent together, and although we admitted it was unusual for each of us who are so used to being alone, it was also strangely comfortable and very easy.

Since then, it seems we've gone to a new level, although I'm not sure what to call it. I still don't call him "my boyfriend." I do get a little freaked out if I start to think "where is this going? do I want to make a commitment to this person?" so I'm trying to just stay in the moment and enjoy it for what it is right now.

So, you may be wondering about the picture. FWB hasn't told his colleagues yet that we're dating, and I don't want to let the cat out of the bag before he's ready. And I can't go into details without giving it away, but we need to keep it quiet for awhile. Trust me, he looks cute in the picture!

A few images from Christmas

I regret that I didn't take more pictures. I know Steph got some cute ones of me with each of Paige and Graham, but I don't have them yet.

Beginnings & Endings

As I landed in Newark last night and saw the new moon, I was reminded of my Nana's saying "turn your pennies over" when she would see a new moon. I'm not sure exactly what she meant by that, but I've always taken it to mean it's a new beginning. Time to prepare for looking forward.

Feeling philosophical, I'm realizing that life is really full of beginnings and endings. Vacations, holidays, trips, birth and death, relationships. The beginnings are often much more anticipated and enjoyed than the endings, but without endings, we couldn't have new beginnings.

My holiday trip to Texas was so enjoyable, but it was so difficult to say goodbye to everyone. I got especially choked up driving out of Dallas. I was able to meet my girlfriends for our annual lunch and then took the opportunity to empty the storage unit I had there. I had a sense of finality doing that. If I move back to Texas, I don't think it would be to Dallas (more likely Austin). It was a relief to cross the storage unit off my list of to-do's, but I was sad to admit to my girlfriends that I've truly moved on.

Every time I say goodbye to my great aunt Sudie, I wonder if it's the last time I will see her. I don't mean to be morbid, but she is 93 (94 in January) and her body is becoming frail.

When I left Austin, Anna clung to me, sobbing "Don't go! Don't go!" It breaks my heart.

Unfortunately, I didn't take many pictures on my trip. I was truly enjoying my time with everyone and forgot to pull the camera out to document it all. I have a few I'll post later.

And now we look forward to a new year. What will 2009 bring?

Christmas Past

Merry Christmas!

This picture was taken in 1977 or 1978 when we lived in Cincinnati. This year, I'm spending Christmas day with Jennifer and will be with Stephanie the day after.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas!

How old are you?

Trying to see as many loved ones as I can while I'm in Texas. I saw my Grandma and my great aunt Sudie, my aunt & uncle and their kids, and got the opportunity to have lunch with my closest girlfriends. I've gotten more hugs in the past couple days than I have in a month! It's great.

A funny story about my aunt Sudie, who despite struggling with increasingly fragile health this year will turn 94 in January. We had a rare opportunity for a private conversation while my more vociferous Grandma was on the phone in the other room.

Sudie said, wistfully, "I always wished you had had a baby. I think that you would have had a beautiful baby."

I said, "Well, I haven't completely given up hope yet, Sudie!" with a chuckle.

"How old are you?" She inquired.

"36." To which she inhaled her breath with her lips pursed in a disparaging way.

"Don't wait too long. Don't wait until you're 40."

[Like I'm consciously choosing to wait to have kids. I've wanted to have kids as long as I can remember but life hasn't exactly worked out the way I planned.]

It's funny I'm being told I'm too old by almost-94-year-old aunt!

Awesome

He told me last night that I'm awesome.

:-)

He had tickets to a band I'd never heard of and was hoping a coworker would go with him to the show. The coworker backed out at the last minute, and I offered to meet him. It was snowing and cold yesterday, and I was already at home, so he told me to just stay home where it was warm. But he said the fact that I would offer to meet him and go see a band I didn't know was indicative of how "awesome" I am. "I know you would [come out and meet me] because you're awesome like that. You're really awesome, Emily."

I have a hard time accepting compliments, but that made me smile (and say Thank You, of course).

Mixed Up

It's Monday, which means I only have four days to work until I leave for the holidays and visiting family and friends. I'm excited to be taking a break and to get to see those who I love so much, but I can't believe it's here so soon! With Thanksgiving being so late this year, I feel like I have not had enough time to prepare for Christmas. I still have a couple gifts left to purchase/create, and although I bought Christmas cards this weekend, I haven't opened the box yet to begin addressing them.

On Friday, I finally got to meet some of FWB's friends. We went out in Jersey to a bar where his friend was playing in the band. FWB was invited to perform with them for one song, and he was great! I was so proud. He told me afterwards that his friends liked me and said I was "adorable." [I know it's a positive word, but it kinda makes me want to gag.]

On Saturday night, he went with me to a party thrown by a client of mine. He did great, talking to these people he doesn't know, and I was impressed again. I tried to tell him so on the way back to the city, but he pulled back again, explaining again how he's not ready for anything serious. All I wanted to say was that I like how it is right now. It's not like I'm wanting him to move in! I got kinda choked up. I feel like every time I try to tell him I like him (not LOVE), he pulls back and it makes me feel unwanted, left in the cold. So I'm trying not to like him too much, because I think he has a greater chance of hurting me than I do of hurting him.

I feel a bit beat up today. Physically and emotionally. On Friday, I fell down his apartment stairs on the way to meet his friends, and my ankle is still killing me, plus today I woke up with a cold.

Mom's Holiday Gift Weekend

This week totally got away from me. Between travelling, dealing with a bout of food poisoning, and holiday parties, I just didn't find the time to blog!

Here are some pictures from my mom's visit last weekend. Our family draws names for gifts, and my mom was my giftee this year. She wanted to go to the Rockette's, and my dad and I also conspired to get tickets to Gypsy on Broadway. It was a fun-filled weekend.

She arrived Thursday night and successfully navigated the trains from Newark to the World Trade Center station. My apartment is just a couple blocks from there, and I met her at the station. On Friday, I had to work, so after some brief instruction and a MetroCard, she headed up to Rockefeller Center on her own and found her way back again to meet me for lunch. That night we saw Gypsy, and Patti Lupone was absolutely fantastic. We stuck around afterwards and got her to sign our Playbills! (The back of my mom's blonde head is in the picture with Patti Lupone.)

On Saturday, after walking around the holiday booths at Union Square and brunch with a couple of my friends, we saw the matinee show of the Rockettes. They were terrific. My favorite part was when they acted out the complete nativity story with animals and singing and dancing. The scale of the production is unbelievable.

Then we walked up and down 5th Avenue enjoying the decorations and battling the crazy crowds, all the while trying to stay warm! We met up with another friend of mine for some hot chocolate and then headed back downtown to meet FWB for dinner. (He passed the mom inspection!)

On Sunday, my choir performed at church, and once we got home and out of the incredible cold, we decided to stay indoors! We had dinner that night with an old friend of mine from college who was in town for business. The next morning, we each headed to separate airports!

It was a lovely weekend and kicked off the holiday time for each of us, I think.

FWB Update

My mom was in town last weekend, and I'll post about that soon. But since I'm in Chicago and can't post accompanying pictures, I thought I'd give my loyal readers an update on Friend-with-Benefits.

Throughout my week in Austin, over Thanksgiving, FWB called me everyday, at least once. My sister Jenn remarked, "He is SO your boyfriend." But I know he doesn't consider himself that.

I told him that I was going to go out with other guys, if I got any offers. Not directly in response to that, but soon after, he invited me to go with him for a day trip to Atlantic City. He knew I'd never been, and while I'm not as interested in gambling as he is, he also knew I would be intrigued by their spa.

After I returned from Austin, we drove to "AC," as I was told they call it. He entered a poker tournament and I explored. I had a lovely massage at the spa and tried out the jacuzzi and steam room. I met him for a late lunch (he got knocked out of the tournament), and he taught me how to play 3-card poker. It was fun. I kept even, and he won a couple hundred.

The next day, I wrote him a quick email, thanking him for the adventure. He said, (and I quote), "I really like where this is heading, Emily."

What?! WHERE is this heading? I don't know. For now, I just take it day by day.

Funnies with A&C

Spending time with my niece Anna and my nephew Colin always brings me many reasons to smile. Anna amazes me with her intelligence, and Colin is such a comedian.

Below, you can see some of the pictures from last week. Anna and her friend Ruby decided to put underwear on their heads and tights on their arms. They came out of her room giggling.

Colin wanted to be Spiderman in the hallway and started to crawl up it. I gave him a boost and he beamed, although he admitted it was a tiny bit scary.

I took the kids to Waco for a surprise visit to Grandma & Sudie. I heard "Are we there yet?" way too many times, but I also heard Colin entertaining himself with a little rhyme:

"Anna takes off her head, Colin takes off his feet. Anna can't think, Colin can't walk!
Anna takes off her bum, Colin takes off his ears. Anna can't poop, Colin can't hear!
Anna takes off her mouth, Colin takes off his penis. Anna can't eat, Colin can't pee!"

And on and on. I was silently cracking up in the front seat while he kept going through different scenarios.

Fun Pictures from Thanksgiving

Feeling Loved

When I arrived in Austin on Sunday, my sister was waiting at the airport with both my niece and nephew. It's a bit of a drive to the airport, and sometimes they don't want to go all that way. So it meant a lot that they were both there to greet me. Anna and Colin were jumping up and down as soon as they saw me, and as I knelt down to hug them, I was almost pushed over from their enthusiastic greeting.

I'm getting a bit spoiled by the attention. Every morning, I get fresh hugs and kisses, and when I get home from my company's Austin office, again they run and hug on me. Lots of lovin's. It's great!

Vulnerable

I got a call on Saturday from my bank's Fraud Department. [Cue suspenseful music] It seems my debit card was compromised, and with two transactions, the thief pretty much wiped out my account. I'm very glad that the bank was on top of it and quickly noticed the out-of-the-ordinary activity and froze my card, but I also feel so angry and vulnerable.

I've learned the hard way how to manage my funds, and one of the ways I stay away from credit card debt is to use the debit card. It's so convenient...until something like this happens.

I'm not sure how the card got compromised, but it certainly threw a wrench in my plans for the weekend. Fortunately, I had taken out some cash the night before in preparation for this week's travel, so I'm now using that sparingly until I get a new debit card and the stolen money gets replaced, which may take several weeks. I know this happens often and everyone is vulnerable to such a theft, but it doesn't make it any more pleasant.

It's Friday and Sunny and I'm Looking Ahead

I was supposed to have a date tonight with FWB. He called me this morning to cancel. Bummer.

But I'm so focused on next week, I'm not giving him too much thought. On Sunday, I fly to Austin to spend the week there. Fortunately, my company allows us to work from other offices, so I will meet my Austin colleagues and spend some time in their offices Monday-Wednesday. It's a great option because I'm avoiding travelling on the busiest travel days of the year AND I get to spend the evenings with my sister Jenn and her family. Plus, I don't have to take vacation days to do it.

Unlike last year, when several of my NY friends and colleagues wondered from my frequent visits to Texas if I truly lived here or there, this year I haven't been travelling home as much, mostly due to the rising costs of airfare. And of course, the NYers don't understand that Texas is a big place, and I have people to visit in Dallas, Houston, Austin and Waco. Unfortunately, the place that sees the least of me is Dallas. I have some terrific friends there, but my family is in the other cities.

And of course, when you travel, you don't want to be on the road the whole time. You want to spend quality time with people you miss and love. For Thanksgiving, I'm focused just on Austin. My parents will come in for Thanksgiving, and I'm hoping to meet up with a couple friends there for drinks or lunch. I'm also planning on packing my suitcase with all the food items I can't find up here to bring a little taste of Texas back with me.

Impetuousness vs. Caution

Nothing new to report on the dating scene. [sigh] Every few weeks, I feel the need to have a "where are we" discussion with FWB, but nothing's really changed. He did say he "adores me." While that was wonderful to hear, it was still in a friendly sort of way.

I asked him what he thought about me dating other people. He said he wouldn't ask me not to, that he couldn't ask me to wait for him because he didn't know when (or if?) things would change for him, for him to be ready to take it to the next level, so to speak.

I don't really want to see other people, but I'm thinking maybe that will help me maintain some distance from FWB. But I feel a little guilty about it, even though I asked him about it.

I know I have a tendency to throw myself into things. Sometimes this doesn't work so well: my past marriages being obvious examples. Moving to NYC is another example in a non-romantic way. It's been much more difficult than I thought it would be, and I'm not sure I totally thought it completely through before acting. But it's also been good in many ways. I've definitely grown personally, and professionally it's been very positive. I recognize that I make decisions quickly, and I also know that it doesn't always work out well. But that's me. I can admire others' more thorough processes, and although it does sometimes make me impatient, in matters of the heart, being cautious may protect them from getting hurt. I'm usually willing to jump in with both feet, putting my heart out there, and on more than one occasion, I've been devastated by the results. But somehow I still believe in the possibility of love, and feel that it's worth the risk. Guess I'm a romantic!

Warmth & Cold

Forget fall. Winter has come in with a vengeance. Since Sunday, it's been significantly colder with bone-chilling winds. My skin is suffering the consequences, and I can't seem to get enough moisturizer. I've been bundling up with multiple layers -- for instance today I'm wearing a turtleneck under a trench, and to go outside I add my coat, scarf, gloves and hat. Sometimes I consider a ski-mask. The wind chaps my face and makes my eyes water. But one of the things I love is the combination of warmth and cold, like enjoying a cup of hot coffee, wrapping my hands around the cup to enjoy the heat, or snuggling in for the night under piles of blankets. My cat Sabrina comes up to my shoulder and sniffs and digs in the blanket. I lift it up for her to climb in. She goes under, then turns around so her head is out with mine, slamming her body up against me, effectively spooning with me. Then I can put the covers back down and snuggle with her. She doesn't stay that way all night, but I enjoy feeling her purr beside me.

Quiet Weekend

Yesterday started off normal enough. I got my apartment cleaned up and headed out to my favorite Mexican dive in the West Village for fish tacos. They make really good fish tacos, and although you have to buy chips & salsa (not free like it is in Texas), it has a really nice flavor.

Leaving there, I walked East towards the Village and to Broadway, looking to get some Christmas shopping done when I started feeling ill. I quickly curbed the shopping for a subway home, and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening on the couch. I don't know if I had a virus or if it was something I ate (too soon for the fish tacos, but maybe something from yesterday?), but since the sky opened up and poured rain, it was good to be safely inside. Sabrina (my cat) warily watched the windows as the storm played out, and she kept me company on the couch as I watched my Netflix.

Yesterday was 65* and muggy with humidity, and today has begun bright and sunshine-y. It's so clear, I can see way into Jersey. I checked the weather, and it's also very cold! Being up 30 floors, I never really have to turn my heat on. But I've learned not to be deceived by the beautiful looking weather. That storm brought through colder air, and the high today is only 50. I'm not complaining...I'm still enjoying the change in weather after so many years of mostly summer in Texas.

I'm (thankfully) feeling better, so I'm off to church and then hope to get that shopping done that I started yesterday.

Good Signs

The scale has been kind lately. I don't weigh myself often -- sometimes not even each week -- but I'm tracking my progress, and thankfully, the progress is going in a downward trend! I'm happy to report I've now lost 6 pounds. While it's slow progress, I'm doing it in a way that will be easy to maintain and will [hopefully] result in permanent weight loss.

In addition to the scale, last week I had to take a belt to a shoe repair shop to get a new hole punched in it. It just wasn't tight enough! :-)

And I found a pair of corduroy slacks in my closet -- funny how things can just disappear in there and you don't look at them for months -- and was going to put them in the donation bag I have because they are a size lower than what I'm currently wearing. It's so disheartening to try those old sizes on and realize again that you're no longer that size. But I guess I was feeling brave and decided to give them a last go before I put them in the donation pile. THEY FIT! So exciting. I've worn them twice since then.

Texas on my Mind

I'm wearing my fancy cowboy (cowgirl?) boots today. They are black with silver trim. My mom and I bought them in El Paso for me to wear to an audition for Opryland. While the audition wasn't a success, I was proud that they didn't cut me off as quickly as some of the singers and let me finish the first verse. I figured it couldn't have been too bad.

On the subway tonight, a guy got on wearing a hat with the emblem from my college alma mater, Texas A and M. (Can't find the ampersand on this stupid blackberry) I gave him the thumbs-up Gig Em sign and he asked when I graduated. Then he said something about their football team not being so great this year. I shrugged. I haven't watched a college game in years. I don't watch much football at all anymore. In Texas, football is king, and although it's annoying that so much of the school funding goes to support the football program, I have fond memories of Friday night games throughout high school and college games on Saturdays after Friday night Yell Practice. It was fun to have that school spirit and feel like a part of something bigger than myself.

Dating or Not Dating?

As you smart commenters noted the last time I wrote about my friend-with-benefits, it seems we are dating, whether we call it that or not.

I finally admitted to FWB that I broke the rule (about being honest if we develop feelings so we could stop the benefits and remain friends). I started having feelings but was afraid to say anything because I didn't want to lose what we had. But, eventually, I realized it wasn't enough, and I had to take the risk of admitting my feelings. The conversation went well enough, and he admitted he's thought about feelings, too, but nothing's really changed. He stills calls me every day (HE calls ME), but I only see him about once a week. He's still maintaining his distance emotionally, too.

In many ways, this relationship is different than any previous. We laugh a lot, and I truly value our friendship and feel we can talk about anything. But it's also different in that usually when I've started dating someone, we want to spend all our free time together. Maybe it's good that we're taking it slowly, but I also worry that maybe "he's just not that into me," as the book says. Of course, I've asked him about that, and he denies that's the case.

I'm trying to just go with the flow, but I wish I got to see him more to see if this is really going anywhere or not.

Images of New York

I've been enjoying a quiet weekend after three weekends of visitors and travel. Last weekend, I joined a visitor on a double-decker bus tour of the city. It was cold (hence the hat, scarf and bundled up coat) but it was nice to see the sights and hear all the history from the tour guide.

Gems from the Farmers Market

Voting, NY-style

I voted this morning. Although some people made disparaging remarks that I didn't take advantage of early voting and was probably going to have to suffer through extreme crowds, I found it to be very well-organized and the entire experience took only 90 minutes.

The polling place for my district is the Surrogate Courthouse. It's an incredible structure, with marble floors and columns, brass fixtures and a painted ceiling in the foyer.

I learned it was completed in 1907 and was built as part of the early 20th century "City Beautiful movement, along with the Municipal Building and the New York County Courthouse. The idea behind the City Beautiful movement was to transform cities with spectacular, imposing classical buildings, fine artwork, and broad boulevards. The intention was to provide an uplifting experience for the community."

It certainly added to my voting experience.