Right Now

I'm supposed to be in Chicago right now. But I'm still in Austin.

I went to the airport as scheduled early early this morning to learn once I got there that the flight was delayed 1.5 hours. So I got some breakfast and settled in, even took a cat nap in the uncomfortable lounge area. When I woke, I learned the flight was delayed another hour. And then another. And then ANOTHER. There were multiple reasons given: there were tornados in the Dallas area last night, keeping flights from coming into Texas, there was a hail storm in Austin this morning, damaging some aircraft, and our flight crew was MIA.

Eventually, it got to the point where I wouldn't be getting into Chicago until the end of the day, missing all the meetings I had scheduled. Tomorrow's day was already truncated, with the plan to head back to the airport around mid-day. It didn't seem worth it to go all the way up there for a half day of meetings, so I asked for the credit for the flight and headed into the office here.

When I lived in NY, I heard so many NYers stories of where they were on 9-11-01. There were several near misses -- people missed their train or bus, a child was sick or something else kept them from showing up to the World Trade Center building on time. It reminds me that we don't have the overall picture. While the horror and tragedies that occurred that day are still hard to comprehend, those near misses make me think that sometimes, we aren't supposed to make that plane, or we're supposed to be in traffic.

What if you're exactly where you're supposed to be RIGHT NOW.

Holding On vs. Letting Go

The other day, as I was slowly entering the highway in rush-hour traffic, I noticed a fly on my windshield. He had landed while I was at the stoplight, and as I accelerated, he tried valiantly to hold on. His body was pushed towards the roof of the car as his little legs gripped with all their might to the windshield. Realizing the inevitable, I found myself thinking, "Just let go!"

And then I thought, how often do we cling to something we know rather than let go and enter the unknown possibilities in the future? I know I have.

We are created as "creatures of habit." We like routines. They are predictable, dependable. They bring order to our lives. But life ALWAYS throws us curve balls, things that rock our foundation and make us wonder about how we define ourselves.

The only constant in this world is change. Intellectually, I know this. But still, some part of me wants to hold on -- hold on to the sweetness of a child's laughter, hold on to the shared camaraderie with a colleague as we work on an assignment, hold on to the excitement of a new flirtation. But the child grows up and the relationship changes, the colleague moves on to a can't-pass-up opportunity, the flirtation evolves into something more or dissolves into nothing.

It's impossible to hold on to those moments. They are all fleeting. And I'm learning that to truly enjoy the moment, we have to also let go of our fears of the future when the moment is gone, and embrace whatever comes next.

Pondering

Have you ever had the feeling you're not doing what you're "meant" to be doing? I get that feeling often, and have for many years.

Although I purposefully don't talk about my work here, it's a good job. I'm good at it, but I'm not fulfilled by it like some of my colleagues. I envy them their passion. But I take pride in doing a good job, so I do.

But sometimes I wonder...should I be doing something different? Could I make more of a difference in the world doing something else?

I don't know what this other thing would be, and I believe things happen in life for a reason, so I try to make the most of where I am right now.

My Absence from the Blogosphere Explained

So...I haven't been much of a blogger lately. Partially, that's because I've been too busy and too exhausted to post. But I've also been rethinking the blog.

I recently read the book The Secret. It's hardly new, so you may be familiar with the concept. It's based on the law of attraction, and that we attract to us what we focus on. So if you focus on lack, you get more of that. If you focus on abundance, you get more of that. And the trick is to think about the things you want as if you already have them -- from a place of gratitude.

There's a chapter in the book that talks about relationships and relays the story about a woman who really felt ready for a relationship in her life. And when she read The Secret, she realized she literally didn't have ROOM in her life for a relationship -- all her closets were overfull! So she cleaned them out, and...

As I was reading that, I thought -- initially -- well, that's not me! In my new apartment, I have more than enough closet space and several that aren't full.

And then the chapter went on to say, "when you want to attract something into your life, make sure your actions don't contradict your desires." It hit me like a ton of bricks. My blog is/was -- I changed it that night -- "life of a thirty-something singleton." I am literally defining myself as a singleton! And, although I've had fun, this is not want I ultimately want.

Which leaves me wondering...what to do? I know my blog hasn't been super interesting of late to those who were hoping for disastrous-but-entertaining dating stories. I've mostly been healing my latest broken heart with niece & nephew time. But I'm not sure I want to return to disastrous-but-entertaining. I want so much more than that. I'm READY for so much more than that. And so, I'm debating about what to do with the blog. Do I just redesign/rename/refocus? Or do I start new somewhere else?

Selfishness Has Its Limits

Last night, in the too-many-moments before I fell asleep, I realized another reason of why I'm ready for a relationship. I'm tired of just considering myself. While I realize there are benefits to being able to be selfish, it does get old. Sure, I get to choose what restaurant to eat at/order from, where I'll go on vacation or how to spend my money all by myself, but sometimes, it would be nice to have another person's opinion and perspective. Maybe I'm not sure WHAT I want to eat, and without inspiration I tend to fall back on the same restaurants or meals that I usually cook.

While a relationship requires compromise and inevitably brings conflict, I find myself a little bored with just me. Just one of those thoughts before dreamland.

One More Time?

Why do we revisit or reconsider relationships from our past? I think sometimes the good memories stay with you more than the bad. And sometimes, especially during times of loneliness, you wonder if there is something worth salvaging. Or maybe it was the right person but the timing just wasn't right. Perhaps you didn't give the relationship a fair shot the first time around. And for me, I worry that I may throw in the towel too easily, run when things get tough, so I try again to make sure I'm not just avoiding conflict.

But I also tend to put more stock in my mind than my emotions. I trust thinking more than feeling. I understand (in theory) the importance of paying attention to those gut reactions, but I generally overthink things, rationalizing and reasoning away those pesky feelings.

I have another single friend (male) who told me you know, deep inside yourself, when something is right or not. I argued (of course), but what if I really don't know?

Or maybe it's just hard to shut the door on a relationship because in some way, it feels like admitting failure. Another one bites the dust. And it's always difficult to say goodbye.