Another Internet Dating Story

So a fellow singleton colleague of mine who recently moved to NYC recently went on a date with a guy she met through eHarmony (been there, done that). She said they had had several good phone conversations and agreed to meet. Before the meeting, she had a business trip which took her to Vancouver during the Olympic games. New-to-NY (N2NY) texted him a picture of the Olympic flame, and he made an off-color remark saying he wished she had sent a picture of her in lingerie instead, "just kidding." Kidding or not, the remark was overly flirtatious and not respectful of their new acquaintance. Thinking of his other positive qualities, N2NY went to meet him and hoped for the best.

So how did it go? She sat down with wide eyes to give me the scoop today. Apparently, after some time with conversation covering each of their respective occupations, he admitted, "Well, you're a very intimidating and powerful woman."

N2NY said, "I prefer confident." But he reiterated that he was intimidated by her in a way that wasn't a compliment but rather more of an excuse for him. But the final straw? He made another reference to lingerie. N2NY was outta there!

I've had men tell me I'm intimidating before. Usually when they can't perform up to task, so to speak.

Empty Calories

This time of year is overladen with diet temptations. Although I am much more a fan of savory foods than sweets, I do have a weakness for chocolate... and creme brulee, and pecan pie, and maybe a few others...but I'm honestly terrified of putting the pounds back on. I've already gained a few, and I'm anxious to get them off. Why is it SO much easier to gain than to lose???

Of course, it all comes down to calories in and calories out. I'm gearing up (mentally and in my workouts) for next year's triathlon, so that helps keep me motivated. But don't you hate it when you decide to splurge and eat that dessert because it just looks so unbelievably scrumptious, and when you put it in your mouth, you realize the taste doesn't compare with the beauty? It's such a disappointment. Empty calories without the enjoyment.

Sometimes dating is like that, too. They look great on the outside, but they turn out to be bland as cardboard on the inside. Or freaky. Or just emotionally retarded.

Take last weekend, for example. Technically, not a date, but it still proves the point. I went out for the evening with my girl friend Never Married, and we had a great dinner of tapas and sangria at the bar at Sala. (Absolutely our favorite thing is the datilles, roasted dates with almonds wrapped in bacon...YUM! And who needs desserts when you're eating bacon? But I digress.)

As we were finishing up, the bartender kept making our pitcher of sangria magically extend with additional happy juice to keep us around. We began talking to a couple guys seated near us. One is a physician from Florida, who was visiting his friend for his birthday. Both seemed normal, and fairly interesting. They asked where we were going next, so we told them and they decided to accompany us to the club. Florida Doctor bought us a drink there, and I ended up talking to Birthday Boy while NM chatted up the doctor. Everything was going normally. I can't remember any specifics of the conversation, but we were covering the basics, getting to know each other. And then he went and got all freaky. Asked me if I ever thought about kissing NM. Uh, no! So he asked me if I would. NO! Soon after that, NM and I decided to leave, and Birthday Boy asks for my phone number. I told him no, and when he asked why, I told him his request pretty much decided that. He proceeded to spew forth a verbal vomit of ugliness and vulgarity. Very strange!

Delusions of Grandeur

Un-effing-believable. I just got a call from Cuban Musician.

He called from a friend's phone so I didn't recognize the number -- because he was afraid I wouldn't pick up if I saw it was him.

He apologized over and over for hurting me, for embarrassing me, for lying to me, for being such an a$$hole....

And then he asked if he could come over and see me in person, so he could "apologize in person." Of course, I said NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT and told him I don't want to see him.

He didn't take "NO" for an answer the first 50 times I said it, but I can be repetitive. As I told him, "NO" is the same in English and Spanish, so there's no room for misinterpretation. I don't want to see him, and I'm certainly never going to let him in my place again. He said he was going to take a taxi over to my building, but he remembered I had moved and asked what my new apartment is. I wouldn't tell him, and I reminded him that I have doormen who wouldn't let him in. In fact, I said, I could call them and let them know I'm not expecting any visitors and if anyone came by asking to see me, they should call the cops. He backed off a little then, asking "why would you call the cops?"

I did get to yell at him and tell him how horrible the whole experience was for me. And when he said he misses me and feels like he ruined the best thing ever in his life, I asked why he didn't call before now. (It's been two months!) He said he was embarrassed at how badly he had acted.

And he clarified, he's not married, he's just been living with her for three years. And when he was spewing this garbage about wanting me back in his life, I asked "Do you still live with her?"

Well, yes, but...

Unbelievable. Does he think that this would work on me? That he could just call and apologize and I would fall back into his arms?

I actually laughed out loud at some of his preposterous explanations. That felt good, at least. But I'm still so angry!

Another NY Date

The guy I met last night described himself as an "Authentic NYer" -- born, raised and always lived in Manhattan. At first look, I was glad he looked like his pictures online (not always the case) and recognized me right away from mine, saying I looked exactly like my pictures, too.

We met at a great bar where he knows the bartender, and I got the bar's signature martini, which included orange-flavored vodka and a wine-based liqueur. It was refreshing without being too sweet. He got a whiskey-based cocktail, and while he offered me a taste, I don't like the smell of whiskey at all. He was very intrigued about my drink, and after several questions about it, I realized he wanted to try it and offered him a taste. After that, he felt like he could take a sip of my drink whenever he felt like it. It was strange, and I called him on it. He said, "Well, you said to share it with you!" which I did not. A sip is not "share." Whatever.

He enjoyed talking and apparently hearing himself talk. He's quite confident he's an interesting conversationalist. But the multiple times he interrupted me were annoying. I also noticed he had several mannerisms that, in my opinion, were effeminate. And while that usually sets my Gaydar off, I've seen this with other straight NY guys, and I think it's just a difference between Southern men and Yankee men. But I have a difficult time finding this attractive in a man.

In the middle of a conversation, he motioned to the bartender to give us the check and said, "let's get out of here, go somewhere else." Since it was 7:30, I assumed he meant grab a bite to eat, but you know what assuming gets you...

As we left the bar and started walking, I asked him, "Where are we going?" He stopped for a minute and said, "How about a rooftop? Is it too cold for you?" I agreed that sounded like fun and asked again where he was thinking of. "My place, of course! What did you think I meant by rooftop?" Well, I was thinking of the rooftop bars that I have been to in this city, and I'm not sure what you are planning. I told him that while I'm still learning the cultural differences between here and Texas (and believe me, there are many!), I did learn the hard way about not inviting someone up to your apartment unless you're expecting something. He asked me about how I learned that and completely agreed with the guy and told me I was in the wrong. (Yeah, thanks, I figured that out!) He also told me he wasn't expecting anything other than to enjoy my company. I still felt a little weird, though... (WHY don't I listen to my gut???)

He fixed me a drink - but not himself one - and again helped himself to sips of my drink. Weird. He was also overly touchy. He kept touching my hands or my arm while he was talking to me. Out-of-the-blue, he asked me, "Are you attracted to me?" and I was so caught off guard, I just told him the truth, sort-of, saying, "A little."

"A little?!" he was obviously disappointed. I told him I needed to get to know him more, that attraction to me is more than just how someone looks. He recovered, saying he only found me a little attractive, too. So I thought, maybe we can be good friends...

He showed me his balcony (NOT a rooftop) and moved in close. I panicked and put my hands on his chest and asked, "You're not going to kiss me, are you?" (Dumb question, of course that's what he was going to do.) Unfortunately, my question didn't stop him, but I just gave him a closed-mouth kiss and wiggled away.

I went to the bathroom and while I had a moment to myself, started thinking of ways to get out of there. But when I came back to the living room, he said, "Did you have everything you needed in there?" I laughed and said yes, toilet paper and a sink with soap. Then abruptly he asked, "Do you want me to walk you down stairs to get a cab?" What a 180-degree shift, but I wasn't going to pass up that opportunity and said, "Yes, please. That would be nice."

The best part of the date was the cab ride home!

First Match, Done

I forgot to change my voice mail message when I went to England. Ah well…it was less than a week that I was gone.

When I returned, I saw in my email I had received my first match from the matchmaker service, Andy. Immediately, I felt anxiety. The emails go out to both people, and we’ve been asked to contact each other via phone as soon as possible to set up a time to meet. As my rep told me, “we’ve already screened the person for you. Now, you just have to meet and see if there’s chemistry.” I felt bad that I hadn’t responded sooner and hoped he didn’t feel I was being rude.

Then I picked up my office voice mail messages, and sure enough, there was a message.
I called him back at the number he had left and got his voice mail. I explained I had been out of the country and apologized for not changing my voice mail or being able to return his call earlier.

We traded voice mails for a couple days. This was my first red flag: he left 4-minute voice mail messages! In today’s technology, you can actually see how long the message is, so I’m not exaggerating. His messages were thorough, but very repetitive. One morning, he left me a message on my cell phone, saying he could only be reached on his cell between 1 and 2, at his lunch time. So I didn’t immediately call back but planned to at the designated time.

Then I got into work and had almost the exact same 4-minute message on my work voice mail! It started, “I don’ t know how often you check your other voice mail, so…” On and on, giving me all his numbers again, his schedule for the next few days, spelling his email address twice. I called a friend (and colleague) into my office to get a second opinion. (She’s also very excited about the matchmaking service for me.)
After listening for a few minutes, she said, “Oh, he sounds nice. He’s probably just nervous. At least he’s communicative!” We chatted back and forth and I noted that his message was still talking from my speaker phone, while we had moved on to other topics!

Finally, Andy’s and my schedules matched up for a drink on Saturday. We had a couple more phone conversations, during which I learned he had actually signed up with a different company than the one I did, and it was bought out by my service company. Hmm…

He also told me about his four brothers and how close he is with them. And he mentioned he can be occasionally mean-spirited. Seemed odd thing to say, but I let it go.

We talked about how many people online don’t describe themselves accurately, using old pictures or lying about their weight. I told him I’m a genuine person, and he agreed he was, too. He described himself to me for our meeting and made a point of saying he was 180 lbs.

The bar I chose was in my neighborhood, and it is located just below street level. This turned out to be great because I saw him walk past before he came in. A sinking feeling came over me as I saw he is not remotely someone I would be attracted to.

I don’t know what scale he’s using, but he’s NOT 180 lbs. He was obviously overweight. His head seemed narrower at the top and wider at the jawline, extending into a chin that diagonally reached his neck.

Maybe he could be a great guy, though, and we could be friends.

Then he started to talk.

I already knew he was a talker, but it’s so annoying when someone asks you a question and then interrupts while you’re trying to answer. He again described himself as “occasionally mean-spirited,” (who SAYS that?!?), and I noticed as he spoke that he’s missing a tooth in the lower set.

Knowing he hadn’t signed up with my service, I asked if they had given him the personality profile. He said no. (Why did they match us?)

I told him how I love to travel, learning about different cultures and religions, different perspectives on the world.

He said how he hates walking around NYC and hearing the different languages.
“Really?” I said, “I LOVE that about this city.”

He went on to complain about how the tourists here don’t get out of your way on the sidewalk, and I explained I don’t think they realize our sidewalks are like highways in other cities. They’re not intentionally being inconsiderate.

[Side note: one of my pet peeves is when people make generalizations, like “All Southerners are dumb.” But this one took the cake.]

“People,” he says, “People are so inconsiderate.”
“ALL people?” I tried to get him to clarify.
“Yes.”
He said there were few people he had met in life that were worth knowing.

At this point, I can’t wait to get outta there. Then he starts dogging my neighborhood, knowing fully well it’s where I live.

“This is a terrible neighborhood. There’s no sense of community at all.”
I said, trying to agree-to-disagree, “Maybe it’s what you put into it.”
“No,” he said arrogantly, “it’s terrible. I used to date a girl who lived here. No one says hello to you, no one knows your name, there’s no sense of community at all.”
I firmly said, “That’s not my experience.” End of discussion.

I got out of there shortly there after, going straight home and writing a very strong email to my service. They responded by calling me and letting me vent, thanking me for my candor and promising to do better next time.

Art After Dark

Friday night I had a date with one of the guys I met at Speed Dating. He invited me to join him at the Guggenheim Museum for First Fridays, where you can jam to loud music spun by a DJ as you enjoy the art in the incredible building designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. The exhibition currently on display is one by Cai Guo-Qiang, a Chinese artist known for his "creative transgressions and cultural provocations."

It was interesting.

Traffic was congested, as usual, so I text-messaged that I would be 10 minutes late. No matter, the line to get in was around the building and down the block. When I found my date, he introduced me to his friend from work who was there and mentioned another friend was joining us. I was surprised, as I didn't realize our plan was for a group event.

We waited in line for 90 minutes before we were allowed in. No kidding. At least the weather was nice, but it was time filled with awkward conversation and many silences. Weird, to say the least.

Once inside, despite the ear-splitting music, both the exhibition and the people-watching was very entertaining. But I felt out of place. I'm not into music that loud -- oh, and did I mention my date was checking out every girl in sight? I felt strangely too old for this scene. Although there were others my age or older, the majority of the crowd seemed in their twenties. Besides, it was late and the end of a long and busy week for me. (By the time we got into the museum, it was 11:30 p.m. The event goes until 1 a.m.)

I'm glad I went and experienced something new. But I doubt I'll go again.

Anti-Valentine Party

Remember in junior high when you'd go to dances, where no one was really dancing, and everyone milled around awkwardly in a dimly lit gymnasium?

That's what last night's Anti-Valentine Party reminded me of, complete with 80's music. (At least the music was good.) Except there were no popular people and there was a multitude of geeks. I know it will make me sound very snobbish, but it seemed like the coalition of the rejects.

Besides the fact that there were almost 2 women for every man, and every girl (except me) had dragged a girlfriend along to at least talk to, I was stunned at the number of older singles. The biggest compliment I got of the night was from a guy who looked older than my dad ('course, my dad looks good for his age!) who told me, "I'm glad to see there's someone attractive here tonight." Kinda smarmy, but that was as good as it got.

Each person was handed half a Valentine with instructions to "find your other half." Cute idea, and it gave you an easy opener to talk to people. But in looking around the room, I realized I didn't really want to approach any of these guys. I talked myself into it after a half-price Cosmopolitan (hey, the bartender wasn't half bad looking), and began asking if anyone had the other half to a Spiderman Valentine. I ended up talking to three guys. The first was really awkward. He seemed nice, but I wasn't at all interested and the conversation was challenging. The second guy would have been okay to talk to except for the bad breath. I felt bad for him, because he was obviously chewing gum, but it wasn't enough to overcome the halitosis. The third guy, while probably 10 years older than me, was decent enough. We were having a good time discussing NY neighborhoods in regards to restaurants. His buddy, who was probably the best looking guy in the joint, was talking to a woman much older, probably in her 50's. At a mutual break in the conversation, the buddy introduced me to her and to his friend and then arrogantly said, "Okay, ladies, well, it was nice talking to you! Good luck tonight!" An obvious brush-off!

At that, it had been an hour, and I decided I was better off alone on my couch, enjoying some Indian take-out and wine with my snuggly cat.

Too Much Interest

When I came to NY in July to look for an apartment, the hotel concierge recommended a great Indian restaurant. Since I was staying at a hotel near my office, I remembered where it was and have gone several times, taking colleagues and visitors.

The first time I went, the manager took a liking to me and gave me his card, which was subsequently lost in the move. Every time I went, he would pay me special attention and give me freebies -- an appetizer or dessert.

"He's CUTE!" One of my colleagues said, "You should ask him out. He obviously likes you."

I debated. He is cute. I've never dated an Indian guy, but I have several friends from there and appreciate their culture and especially the food. Ah, what the hell!

So I gave him my card and agreed to go out with him.

We were having a perfectly nice time, just talking over drinks at a jazz bar, getting to know each other, when he blurts out, "I think I love you."

WHAT?!>#?

I said, "It's our FIRST date."

He tried to explain but just continued digging a hole for himself.

I said, "You don't even know me."

We moved on to other topics, but then he said it again!

Needless to say, our first date was also our last. But now I can't go to the restaurant. Except on Mondays (his day off).

***********************

I am missing Comments. Is anyone reading this? Several posts have ZERO comments. It's pretty disheartening.

A Bitter Aftertaste

Not knowing if I should leave the cucumber on the vine to get darker green, I called the most knowledgeable gardener I know, my brother-in-law Anthony. He clued me in that the longer you leave cucumbers on the vine, the more bitter they get. Uh, oh...

So I picked the one in the picture as well as another and tried them out. Sure enough, it was pretty bitter.

I omitted something from last weekend's post-game report on my dates with Chris. He said I seemed wonderful, intelligent, yada, yada, yada...(you can almost hear the "but" right?)...but he wasn't sure if he could "handle" the fact that I'm divorced.

This really upset me for two reasons. First, he knew this before he asked me out. I'm very honest, and it is in my profile. We even talked about it on the phone before we ever met. Second, this is something I can't do anything about! It's so frustrating. I told him, I'd change it if I could, but unfortunately, I don't have the ability to go back and time and undo all my mistakes.

So, I haven't heard from him. I guess he decided he couldn't handle it. Whatever. Well, I guess, like the cucumbers, there will be more!

How bad does it have to be to be classified a "bad date?"

Have you ever had a date that was going so badly, you had a friend call and make up an emergency for an excuse to end it?

I had a second (and last) date with a guy last Saturday. Our first date went pretty well, but I was nervous and drank a little too much. As we all know, that lowers your inhibitions. It also makes it easier to put up with personality quirks that normally would bother you. So for this date, I was very careful about my alcohol consumption.

Did he talk this much about himself, nonstop, on the first date? Or did I not notice?

It started off badly. We had agreed to meet at a shopping area that has several restaurants and a theater for dinner and a movie. I really wanted to see the Aviator, but he replied "No, I don't want to see that." Ok...we had a difficult time finding a movie neither one of us had seen and that he would agree to see. So we decided to start with dinner.

There are at least three restaurants in this center, and two of them have lots of healthy choices. I was hoping to be consulted on where to eat, but he just told me we'd be eating at the third (least healthy) restaurant.

At dinner, he went on and on about himself, his job, his views on religion. We had talked about religion on our first date. He works for a Christian company, so we had discussed briefly that we are both Christians. He knew I attend church most Sundays. So I was shocked when he announced, "I really don't believe in God unless I need something" and gave me an example of a time when he was in a dangerous situation and thought "God, help me out of this."

Are you kidding me?!? That's the ONLY time you BELIEVE in God? I have a problem with this...

When he went to the bathroom, I text-messaged my goddaughter, Annie, who is 17 and was at the Mavericks' game with a girlfriend. She offered to call and say her car wouldn't start, leaving her stranded. It sounded better than spending another couple hours with this guy...

He showed his true colors when Annie called and I told him I'd have to go.
"Can't she get a cab?"
She's 17...downtown (not a great area)
"I've been to Mavericks' games, and they're expensive. I can't believe she doesn't have enough money for a cab."
She didn't buy the tickets! Her dad gets them and didn't want to go tonight.

One of my friends said at least bad dates give you a good story. I've got lots of stories...